SNL Transcripts: Jerry Seinfeld: 10/02/99: Morning Latte



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 1



99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

Morning Latte

Announcer…Darrell Hammond
Tom Wilkins…Will Ferrell
Cass Van Rye…Cheri Oteri
Eli Van Rye…Chris Parnell
Dr. Jedediah Purdy…Jerry Seinfeld

[Morning Latte Credits]

Announcer: Good morning; grab a cup and get ready for Morning Latte!

Tom Wilkins: Woo!

Cass van Rye: Wow!

Tom Wilkins: Woo!

Cass van Rye: Geez!

Tom Wilkins: Woo!

Cass van Rye: Wow!

Tom Wilkins: Welcome to the Latte, I’m Tom Wilkins. What a tough morning!

Cass van Rye: Woo! And I’m Cass Van Rye! Yikes!

Tom Wilkins: Yikes!

Cass van Rye: Yikes!

Tom Wilkins: It’s not even ten a.m. and we’ve lost a producer and a hairdresser.

Cass van Rye: I’m telling you, talk about Murphy’s Law, what happened? What just happened?!

Tom Wilkins: I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you what happened!

Cass van Rye: What happened?

Tom Wilkins: I’ll tell you what happened. Cass’s hair person Tito just ripped her a new one. Yeah!

Cass van Rye: Well, Tito was late, and I said to him, “Hey, okay, I celebrate your gay Hispanic culture, my friend…”

Tom Wilkins: You’re here and you’re queer, we know.

Cass van Rye: We know, we know, okay. “But smoking ecstasy and raving ’til dawn with your gay buddies is no excuse for tardiness!”

Tom Wilkins: No, no.

Cass van Rye: Come on!

Tom Wilkins: No.

Cass van Rye: Come on! And then he did this snapping thing [snaps fingers repeatedly] like this to me…

Tom Wilkins: Uh-huh, right…

Cass van Rye: …and then left. Tom, it was like this right in my face.

Tom Wilkins: Yeah. No, no, I saw it, I saw it. [grabs her aggressively to stop the annoying snapping while Oteri tries not to laugh] I was there, I was there. Now the snapping thing happened after you called him a dirty brown he-she. Yeah. Now, and to make matters worse, our producer of two weeks, Shelby Gaines, quits over losing a parking spot.

Cass van Rye: What’s that about?

Tom Wilkins: What up? What up?

Cass van Rye: What’s that about? What up?

Tom Wilkins: My new Expedition takes up one and a half spots but sorry, Shelby, talk to my Ford dealer.

Cass van Rye: Yeah.

Tom Wilkins: Or to my hand.

Cass van Rye: Talk to his hand.

Tom Wilkins: Talk to my hand.

Cass van Rye: Talk to his hand. You know, luckily I had — I called my husband Eli out of a merger meeting so he could come to the studio to bring me the back of my earring.

Tom Wilkins: And we just slapped some headphones on him. So folks, will you please welcome our producer for the day, Mr. Eli Van Rye.

[shows eerily relaxed and quiet Eli Van Rye]

Tom Wilkins: [laughs]

Cass van Rye: Hi, pooker.

Eli van Rye: Cass. Tom.

Cass van Rye: Aah, that’s my little Jew.

Tom Wilkins: Hey, hey, hey. I finally saw The Sixth Sense last night. That little boy: what a weirdo!

Cass van Rye: Strange duck.

Tom Wilkins: What a weirdo!

Cass van Rye: Strange duck.

Tom Wilkins: What a weirdo!

Cass van Rye: Strange duck.

Tom Wilkins: What a weirdo.

Cass van Rye: Strange duck.

Tom Wilkins: Weird!

Cass van Rye: Yeah, you know what The Sixth Sense was a good movie, Tom, but if you want to talk about an amazing piece of cinema, I’m sorry, I’ve got three words for you: Wild Wild West.

Tom Wilkins: Yes.

Cass van Rye: Come on.

Tom Wilkins: Ooh.

Cass van Rye: Come on.

Tom Wilkins: Will Smith, Calvin Klein—- don’t make us wait too long for the sequel, please.

Cass van Rye: Kevin Kline. Yeah.

Tom Wilkins: Oh, Kev. Right, Kevin.

Cass van Rye: And I’ll tell you something. Move over, Abbott and Costello; here comes Smith and Kline.

Tom Wilkins: Yes. Yes. Hey, this presidential election, what about it?

Cass van Rye: It’s heating up, Tom, it’s heating up. It really is.

Tom Wilkins: I’m a little worried about Bush’s insatiable hunger for cocaine.

Cass van Rye: Yeah.

Tom Wilkins: What a coke monkey.

Cass van Rye: Yeah.

Tom Wilkins: Little coke monkey, yeah.

Cass van Rye: How many times do I have to say this? Drugs is a disease, folks!!! Get it through your head!

Tom Wilkins: You heard it right here. Yes, Cass. You know this because your husband Eli is a recovering alcoholic.

Cass van Rye: No, he’s just an alcoholic, Tom.

Tom Wilkins: Oh, okay.

[Eli looks dejected and embarrassed]

Cass van Rye: Plus, plus, keep in mind he’s on a combination of anti-depressant, anti-anxiety drug, Zoloft, and Buspar.

Tom Wilkins: Yes, How you doing, pal?

Eli van Rye: Top of the world, Tom.

Cass van Rye: You know Eli’s doing fine, Tom, but the side effects are rough.

Tom Wilkins: Okay.

Cass van Rye: It’s given him a real metallic odor to his breath.

Tom Wilkins: Oh.

Cass van Rye: Offensive, offensive.

Tom Wilkins: Yeah, yeah.

Cass van Rye: And it has completely wiped out his ability to ejaculate.

Tom Wilkins: Hey, keep us posted, buddy. Keep us posted, buddy. Well, I will tell you what is up-and-coming, our first guest and his new diet book. Please welcome Dr. Jedediah Purdy.

[audience applaudes as Purdy enters and all sit]

Cass van Rye: Woo, welcome. Look at you.

Tom Wilkins: You look great.

Cass van Rye: He’s thin.

Tom Wilkins: Like a lady.

Cass van Rye: He’s thin. He’s like a woman.

Tom Wilkins: Look at that little booty on you.

Cass van Rye: Yeah, he’s like a woman.

Tom Wilkins: Tell us about the book.

Jedediah Purdy: Well, it’s called “The Realm.”

Cass van Rye: Ooh, “The Realm.”

Tom Wilkins: “The Realm.”

Cass van Rye: Yeah, “The Realm.” Now see, I don’t know what that means.

Tom Wilkins: No, sounds English.

Jedediah Purdy: Well, it’s like “The Zone,” but some people feel trapped in a zone. So there’s little more room in “The Realm.”

Tom Wilkins: Not as confining.

Cass van Rye: No, now I’ll tell you Jed, um, I’m on the zone and I’m really happy with it. It’s really working for me.

Tom Wilkins: [shaking head] No, no it’s not. No, you should see yourself in shorts. Right, Eli? [Eli nods with no expression on his face]

Jedediah Purdy: Well, with “The Realm,” the weight loss is slow at first, but then it drops off. [hits Cass in the head unintentionally and unnoticingly with the book]

Cass van Rye: Right.

Tom Wilkins: Now, tell me, Jed. I’ll tell ya. I wanna know what is on the diet.

Cass van Rye: Yes.

Tom Wilkins: Tell us what’s on the diet.

Cass van Rye: Yes.

Jedediah Purdy: Well, it’s fruit in the morning, and meat for the rest of the day.

Cass van Rye: Ooooh, now can I eat pizza on your diet?

Tom Wilkins: Yeah.

Jedediah Purdy: No. No bread, no cheese.

Cass van Rye: How about plain pizza?

Tom Wilkins: Sure.

Cass van Rye: No one gets hurt.

Jedediah Purdy: No!

Cass van Rye: Oh, okay, how about this? How about cheese, tomatoes, and some bread?

Jedediah Purdy: No, that’s pizza. It’s just fruit and meat!

Cass van Rye: What about a pizza bagel? It’s small, it’s smaller.

Tom Wilkins: [grabs Cass by the neck] You can’t have the pizza, Cass, let it go. Let me run this one by you, Jedediah. What about calzones?

Cass van Rye: Oooh.

Tom Wilkins: Yeah.

Cass van Rye: Yeah.

Tom Wilkins: Yeah.

Cass van Rye: Calzones.

Jedediah Purdy: What are you people, idiots? Did you win the show on a contest? It’s fruit and meat. Fruit, meat. Fruit. Meat. That’s it.

Cass van Rye: Tom, we can have Hawaiian pizza.

Tom Wilkins: Ooh, pineapple and ham.

Cass van Rye: Yeah, that’s it.

[thud]

Jedediah Purdy: What was that?

Cass van Rye: Oh, it’s my husband, Eli, he’s just having a seizure. It’s just another side effect. It’s okay. [Eli shakes violently on the floor]

Tom Wilkins: Okay.

Cass van Rye: That’s okay.

Tom Wilkins: Can we get props to put a spoon in his mouth or a little chunk of leather or something?

Cass van Rye: What a morning, huh?

Tom Wilkins: Hey, hey, we’ll be right back with Wolfgang Puck. He’s gonna show us how to make gourmet pizzas.

Cass van Rye: Oooh, can I have a Gino’s pizza roll?

Jedediah Purdy: Oh, the hell with the both of you! [knocks over platter of food and exits]

Cass van Rye: Eli, can you clean that up, honey? Eli?

Tom Wilkins: “The Realm.”

Cass van Rye: Clean it up.

Tom Wilkins: “The Realm.”

Cass van Rye: “The Realm.” Eli, clean this up.

Submitted by: Jason Dignard

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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