SNL Transcripts: Jerry Seinfeld: 10/02/99: Mary Katherine Gallagher

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 1

99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

Mary Katherine Gallagher

Shelley Peterbuilt…Cheri Oteri
Sean Patrick Flannery…Will Ferrell
Student…Ana Gasteyer
Avram Horowitz…Chris Kattan
Manute Greenburg…Tim Meadows
Lenny Schwartzmann…Jerry Seinfeld
Mary Katherine Gallagher…Molly Shannon

[exterior of St. Monica’s Catholic High School, several Catholic children walking around]

Shelly Peterbuilt: Hi, Sean.

Sean Patrick Flannery: Hey.

Shelly Peterbuilt: You excited to play in the big game today? You guys are so awesome!!!

Sean Patrick Flannery: You know it. Today’s a tough one, we’re playing the best basketball team in the interfaith league…Yeshiva Academy.

Student: They won the under five-foot division. There they are, omigod!!

Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod, omigod!

[basketball players come out one by one as Flannery calls them off]

Sean Patrick Flannery: That little guy is Avram Horowitz. Avram Horowitz; he’s the fastest forward in the league. Yeah, oh, oh, and that’s Manute Greenburg. He’s black!

Shelly Peterbuilt and Student: Oh!

Sean Patrick Flannery: He just transferred from Ethiopia.

Student: Omigod, look who’s coming!

Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod!

Sean Patrick Flannery: That’s right.

Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod!

Sean Patrick Flannery: That’s right, it’s Lenny Schwartzmann, the Jewish Michael Jordan. [comes out with curly afro]

Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod. Lenny is so cute. He’s the sexiest thing under a yarmulke I have ever seen.

Student: Omigod, omigod!!!

Shelly Peterbuilt: I’d like to ask him out but I’m so embarrassed.

Sean Patrick Flannery: Me too.

Shelly Peterbuilt and Student: What?

Sean Patrick Flannery: I mean just to shoot some baskets. I gotta go. [exits]

Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod, Lenny is so awesome. He would never go out with a Catholic girl, though.

Student: I know, I know, we’ll never know. I mean who would have the nerve to ask him. Omigod. Omigod. [they leave]

[Mary Katherine Gallagher appears]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Lenny Schwartzmann: What’s up?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: What’s up! I just want to say that you make a really great Jew basketball player.

Lenny Schwartzmann: Thanks, you know there’s been a lot of great Jewish basketball players. Dolph Shays, uh, Moses Malone, I think.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I also wanted to know if maybe sometime you would be interested in going out with me for a…for a…for a knish?

Lenny Schwartzmann: Uh, k-no!!!

Avram Horowitz: Ah nice, that was so Jewish Michael Jordan!

Manute Greenburg: [clicking noise]

Lenny Schwartzmann: No, you the man.

Manute Greenburg: [more clicking]

Lenny Schwartzmann: No, you the man. Alright, I’m the man. Come on, let’s go warm up guys. [teammates leave] Mary!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah?

Lenny Schwartzmann: I’m really sorry about the way I just acted. I’d like to go out with you but my parents won’t let me date a non-Jewish girl.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Why, because they think that I’m a slutty shiksa?

Lenny Schwartzmann: Actually, it was dirty, slutty shiksa.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah, my grandmother probably wouldn’t like it either. But she does say that Jewish guys are good providers and you’re very crafty.

Avram Horowitz: Lenny, hurry up. [at the door]

Lenny Schwartzmann: I’m coming.

Manute Greenburg: [clicking, at the door]

Lenny Schwartzmann: I said I’m coming!!!! You know, Mary, we’re just torturing ourselves, we’re too different. [sees Mary’s normal ritual] What are you doing?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes when I get nervous, I stick my fingers under my arms and I smell ’em like that. That’s gross.

Lenny Schwartzmann: I guess that’s a Catholic thing. No, I better go.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: No wait, Lenny, no whoa, no okay. [begins to fake her out] Okay, okay, okay. Be serious. I just want to say that…Lenny, we’re really not that different, you know. I mean, after I met you, I rented “Fiddler on the Roof” and I watched it 26 times in a row.

Lenny Schwartzmann: Really? Isn’t Topel a genius?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah, he’s great.

Lenny Schwartzmann: Oh, Mary, your skirt’s so plaid, it drives me mad! Maybe Billy Joel is right, Catholic girls do start much too late. Billy Joel rules!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah!

Lenny Schwartzmann: But can I ignore 6,000 years of tradition just to get a little Catholic poozle? I guess it’s you or bacon, Mary. What do you think I should do?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well…my feelings would best be expressed in a monologue from the movie, “Yentl” starring Mandy Patinkin and the great Barbra Streisand, as a young male-slash-female rabbi in training.

Lenny Schwartzmann: I’m with ya.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay…Forget about tradition. Forget about it, listen to your heart. Love knows no…no race or…or…or…religion. Papa can you hear me? Papa? Papa? Papa? [speaks in Yiddish loudly and falls backwards into bushes and statue of Virgin Mary]

Lenny Schwartzmann: Mary?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah.

Lenny Schwartzmann: Would you go out with me?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay, but I won’t convert.

Lenny Schwartzmann: Great, then we’ll just fool around. [kisses Mary] I’ll see you after the game. [exits]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay, ‘bye Lenny! [jumps and slides on her knees] Jewish Boys!!!!

Submitted by: Jason Dignard

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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