SNL Transcripts: Jerry Seinfeld: 10/02/99: Mary Katherine Gallagher

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 1

99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

Mary Katherine Gallagher

Shelley Peterbuilt…Cheri Oteri
Sean Patrick Flannery…Will Ferrell
Student…Ana Gasteyer
Avram Horowitz…Chris Kattan
Manute Greenburg…Tim Meadows
Lenny Schwartzmann…Jerry Seinfeld
Mary Katherine Gallagher…Molly Shannon

[exterior of St. Monica’s Catholic High School, several Catholic children walking around]

Shelly Peterbuilt: Hi, Sean.

Sean Patrick Flannery: Hey.

Shelly Peterbuilt: You excited to play in the big game today? You guys are so awesome!!!

Sean Patrick Flannery: You know it. Today’s a tough one, we’re playing the best basketball team in the interfaith league…Yeshiva Academy.

Student: They won the under five-foot division. There they are, omigod!!

Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod, omigod!

[basketball players come out one by one as Flannery calls them off]

Sean Patrick Flannery: That little guy is Avram Horowitz. Avram Horowitz; he’s the fastest forward in the league. Yeah, oh, oh, and that’s Manute Greenburg. He’s black!

Shelly Peterbuilt and Student: Oh!

Sean Patrick Flannery: He just transferred from Ethiopia.

Student: Omigod, look who’s coming!

Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod!

Sean Patrick Flannery: That’s right.

Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod!

Sean Patrick Flannery: That’s right, it’s Lenny Schwartzmann, the Jewish Michael Jordan. [comes out with curly afro]

Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod. Lenny is so cute. He’s the sexiest thing under a yarmulke I have ever seen.

Student: Omigod, omigod!!!

Shelly Peterbuilt: I’d like to ask him out but I’m so embarrassed.

Sean Patrick Flannery: Me too.

Shelly Peterbuilt and Student: What?

Sean Patrick Flannery: I mean just to shoot some baskets. I gotta go. [exits]

Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod, Lenny is so awesome. He would never go out with a Catholic girl, though.

Student: I know, I know, we’ll never know. I mean who would have the nerve to ask him. Omigod. Omigod. [they leave]

[Mary Katherine Gallagher appears]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Lenny Schwartzmann: What’s up?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: What’s up! I just want to say that you make a really great Jew basketball player.

Lenny Schwartzmann: Thanks, you know there’s been a lot of great Jewish basketball players. Dolph Shays, uh, Moses Malone, I think.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I also wanted to know if maybe sometime you would be interested in going out with me for a…for a…for a knish?

Lenny Schwartzmann: Uh, k-no!!!

Avram Horowitz: Ah nice, that was so Jewish Michael Jordan!

Manute Greenburg: [clicking noise]

Lenny Schwartzmann: No, you the man.

Manute Greenburg: [more clicking]

Lenny Schwartzmann: No, you the man. Alright, I’m the man. Come on, let’s go warm up guys. [teammates leave] Mary!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah?

Lenny Schwartzmann: I’m really sorry about the way I just acted. I’d like to go out with you but my parents won’t let me date a non-Jewish girl.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Why, because they think that I’m a slutty shiksa?

Lenny Schwartzmann: Actually, it was dirty, slutty shiksa.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah, my grandmother probably wouldn’t like it either. But she does say that Jewish guys are good providers and you’re very crafty.

Avram Horowitz: Lenny, hurry up. [at the door]

Lenny Schwartzmann: I’m coming.

Manute Greenburg: [clicking, at the door]

Lenny Schwartzmann: I said I’m coming!!!! You know, Mary, we’re just torturing ourselves, we’re too different. [sees Mary’s normal ritual] What are you doing?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes when I get nervous, I stick my fingers under my arms and I smell ’em like that. That’s gross.

Lenny Schwartzmann: I guess that’s a Catholic thing. No, I better go.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: No wait, Lenny, no whoa, no okay. [begins to fake her out] Okay, okay, okay. Be serious. I just want to say that…Lenny, we’re really not that different, you know. I mean, after I met you, I rented “Fiddler on the Roof” and I watched it 26 times in a row.

Lenny Schwartzmann: Really? Isn’t Topel a genius?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah, he’s great.

Lenny Schwartzmann: Oh, Mary, your skirt’s so plaid, it drives me mad! Maybe Billy Joel is right, Catholic girls do start much too late. Billy Joel rules!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah!

Lenny Schwartzmann: But can I ignore 6,000 years of tradition just to get a little Catholic poozle? I guess it’s you or bacon, Mary. What do you think I should do?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well…my feelings would best be expressed in a monologue from the movie, “Yentl” starring Mandy Patinkin and the great Barbra Streisand, as a young male-slash-female rabbi in training.

Lenny Schwartzmann: I’m with ya.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay…Forget about tradition. Forget about it, listen to your heart. Love knows no…no race or…or…or…religion. Papa can you hear me? Papa? Papa? Papa? [speaks in Yiddish loudly and falls backwards into bushes and statue of Virgin Mary]

Lenny Schwartzmann: Mary?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah.

Lenny Schwartzmann: Would you go out with me?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay, but I won’t convert.

Lenny Schwartzmann: Great, then we’ll just fool around. [kisses Mary] I’ll see you after the game. [exits]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay, ‘bye Lenny! [jumps and slides on her knees] Jewish Boys!!!!

Submitted by: Jason Dignard

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