SNL Transcripts: Jerry Seinfeld: 10/02/99: Jerry Seinfeld’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 1

99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

Jerry Seinfeld’s Monologue

…..Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld: Yo, thank you very much! You’re too good! [wild applause] This is great, so great to see you all here. It is so great, so many people all week have been asking me about what I’m doing now that I’m done with the show. And, I just want you to know I just sold my house in L.A., and moved back to New York and its been great. [more wild applause]

Great! Great to be back in the city, it’s the most exciting city in the world; I give you my typical day. Up at eight, no matter what I have my juice, always like to pop on the USA channel and watch “Wings.” They usually have two of them, that’s a solid hour block. That leads right into “The Single Guy” at nine; then “Ned and Stacey,” “Boston Common,” and then obviously “Naked Truth” at 10:30.

Then it’s over to F/X for another hour of “Wings”, which is always solid. Then its 1:00, time to get going. So, I flip on “Days”——-“Days of Our Lives,” but that whole thing with Kristian Alfonso playing both Hope and Princess Gina, I mean, why doesn’t she play Kristof and kidnap the baby too while she’s at it?

Then, by the afternoon, my brain feels like mush, and that’s when I take advantage of one of the single greatest things about living in New York, “The Equalizer!” Everyday at five, six, and seven.

Then, it’s dinnertime, and I get out of my pajamas finally. Get in my sweatpants and hit the street! So many great restaurants. I know this little place near me——well, it’s not so much a restaurant as it is a cart, but it is the best meat-on-a-stick in the city. And after six or seven of them, I’ve had it.

So I go home, grab some Pop-Tarts and a Yoo-Hoo; get in the tub. And then at ten, check out a little TV, Spanish station. They have this show, “Aeropuerto,” it’s a little like “Wings.” [huge laughter] I like that show. Then up at eight for another day in New York, the greatest city in the world. Anyway, that’s basically what I’ve been up to; plus I dated a couple of married women. [huge applause] But we’ve got a great show, David Bowie is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Submitted by: Jason Dignard

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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