Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 1
99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie
Action 8 Newswatch
Connor Stands…..Jerry Seinfeld
Taffy Davenport…..Ana Gasteyer
Hale Breezy…..Chris Parnell
Sorrell Matthews…..Tim Meadows
Roger Sorkin…..Will Ferrell
Announcer: It’s the 11 o’clock Action 8 Newswatch, with Connor Standsand Taffy Davenport, and the entire Action 8 News Team.
Connor Stands: Our top stories tonight: the president has beenassassinated. But president of what? We’ll tell you in the nexthalf-hour. Taffy?
Taffy Davenport: Connor, it’s no bark and all bite for goldenretrievers and other so-called family dogs. What’s causing these sweet andfurry creatures to viciously attack sleeping toddlers? Stay, and we’lltell you in a minute.
Connor Stands: Also tonight: a common household item – something weall have in our homes and are probably using right now – is found to be fullof lethal poison. We’ll tell you what it is at the end of the hour.
Taffy Davenport: Also: a psychopathic sex criminal makes a prisonbreak, threatening to kill the person he meets in a large public area.Coming up, we’ll tell you where, and Hale Breezy’s gonna guide usthrough this evening’s approaching monsoon.
Hale Breezy: Taffy, Hurricane Paula is here. The deadly storm ismoving fast and taking no prisoners! On my Weather Roundup, I’ll give youtips on how to keep the fatalities in your family to a minimum!
Connor Stands: And more on that deadly household object. Hint: youwon’t find it in your refrigerator. Taffy?
Taffy Davenport: And, later in the hour, Big 8 Reporter SorrellMatthews gives us an update on the infestation of disease-bearing insectsin your community.
Sorrell Matthews: Taffy, a source close to the Mayor says that in 48hours, all bugs will become carriers of a deadly virus that may ornot be the Bubonic Plague. But, not to worry. You can protect yourselffrom this seemingly inescapable plague by using common everyday bugrepellents.
Taffy Davenport: In a related story, a deadly toxin, found in onecommon everyday bug repellant, is linked to a crippling neurologicaldisorder. We’ll tell you which one later in the broadcast. Connor?
Connor Stands: Another hint: you can’t bounce it. More on thatdeadly household object coming up. And, on our Big 8 Special Report,Newswatch’s own Taffy Davenport asks the question, “Are We Really Safe?”
Taffy Davenport: Are We Really Safe? What about our schools? Ourchildren? The elderly? How about our pets? And, finally, are safetyproducts safe? A new study says no. I’ll wrap it up for you later in thehour.
Connor Stands: The lethal household product is not made of wood, noris it made of plastic. And you don’t even have to use it for it to endyour whole life. I’ll solve this puzzle at the end of the hour.
Taffy Davenport: And you don’t want to miss tonight’s Roger SorkinMinute.
Roger Sorkin: Can a potty chair crush my toddler’s kneecap? Youbetcha! Can mental patients buy automatic weapons at gun fairs? My cousindid! Can an airbag spontaneously inflate and burn me while I sit in a parkedcar eating my lunch? Hell, yeah! Don’t panic? No, panic! Panic!Don’t miss a minute of the minute!
Connor Stands: This just in – that household product has just gottendeadlier. And the longer you wait, the deadlier it gets.
Taffy Davenport: Is it a rubber band?
Connor Stands: You’ll have to find out with everybody else, Taffy,at the end of the hour.
Taffy Davenport: All these stories and an interview with ZZ Top,live at the State Fairgrounds.
Connor Stands: More news on that presidential assassination: hewill be replaced by the Vice-President. But Vice-President of what?We’ll tell you after the break.
[ fade ]
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