SNL Transcripts: Jerry Seinfeld: 10/02/99: Oz


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 1

99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie


…..Jerry Seinfeld
Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger…..J.K. Simmons
Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher…..Lee Tergesen
Prisoner #97P904, Ryan O’Reily…..Dean Winters
Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill…..Harold Perrineau

Announcer: [ over scroll ] “On May 14th 1998, Jerry, George, Elaine,and Kramer were sentenced to one year in prison for violating theMassachusetts Good Samaritan Law. Then, due to a series of sarcastic quipsJerry made to prison guards, and a series finale regarded by most TV criticsas “Satisfactory At Best”, Jerry Seinfeld was transferred to a maximum securityprison.

That facility is known as..”

[ cut to title card: “OZ” ] [ show various fragments of Oz prison life – cut to Jerry carefully placingtoilet paper around the rim of the toilet in his prison cell ] [ show more scenes of prison life – segue to Jerry working out in the prisongym ] [ show two male inmates making out in the shower, slow pan left to Jerryflossing his teeth at the sink, disgusted at the scene taking place behind him ] [ open on Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger, forming a huddle with some of the other inmates, as Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher, descends the stairs in the background ]

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: Listen up – Beecher’s going down. In the shower. I’m gonna cut off his sac and stuff it in his mouth.

[ Jerry Seinfeld suddenly pokes his head into the crowd ]

Jerry Seinfeld: Hey, fellas. I noticed there’s no cardio equipment in the gym. Is there another room somewhere?

[ the prisoners give Jerry a series of dirty looks ]

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: Who are you?

Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld. Pleasure to meet you! [ extends his hand ]

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: You a Hebrew?

Jerry Seinfeld: Y-yeah. But people don’t seem to have a problem with it on a national level. [ smiles ] [ cut to Jerry standing next to ?? on the second-floor balcony ]

Jerry Seinfeld: What is with this place? It’s so cliquey. On the other hand, I kinda like the hole. You know, they throw you in naked. It’s like a spa. You know, you’re not looking too good.

?? : Adebisi pricked me with an AIDS-infected needle.

Jerry Seinfeld: [ backing off ] Well.. good luck with all that! [ walks away ] [ cut to the prison cafeteria – Jerry eating lunch with some of the other inmates. Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher, gives a dirty look to Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger, as he walks past the table. ]

Jerry Seinfeld: What is with you two?

Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher: Ah, you know. First, I was his bitch.. then he burned a swastika into my ass.. and then I took a crap in his face. And that started a whole.. thing!

Jerry Seinfeld: Tell me. I once dated a girl who I think was always wearing the same dress!

Prisoner #2: [ gives Jerry a strange look ] Anyway.. he nearly broke every bonein my body. I thought we were gonna make up, and he nailed me to the gym floor!

Jerry Seinfeld: Did he try to..?

Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher: No. Nothing happened.

Jerry Seinfeld: You missed out on the make-up sodomy?

Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher: I missed out on the sodomy!

Jerry Seinfeld: The make-up sodomy’s the best part of being nailed to a gym floor!

Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher: Missed out, baby!

[ cut to Jerry leading a prison rap session in one of the cells]

Jerry Seinfeld: You think you can hold out longer than me?

Prisoner #97P904, Ryan O’Reily: I know I can hold out longer than you!

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: Care to make it interesting?

Prisoner #97P904, Ryan O’Reily: A carton smokes?

Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill: I want in, too.

Jerry Seinfeld: You’re all on. [ shakes pinkies with everyone ] Whoever goes the longest without committing male rape wins the Contest.

All: [ throwing up their pinkies ] Yeaaaaaaahh!

[ cut to Jerry surrounded by prisoners ]

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: You should have had Kramer on the stand!

???: Kramer’s funny.

Jerry Seinfeld: Maybe I should have married Elaine. You know, the expectations were kinda high.

[ Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill, wheels up and throws his carton of smokes on the table ]

Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill: Well.. I’m out!

Jerry Seinfeld: You?!

[ Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill, throws his hands in the air ]

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: Yeah.. I’m out, too..

Jerry Seinfeld: [ pause ] Me, too. [ pauses, then laughs ] [ show a quick montage of scenes ]

Announcer: Next week, on “Oz”.

[ cut to exterior, the hole ]

Guard: [ slides door open, revealing a naked Jerry in the background ] You alright?

Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, I’m good. [ steps forward ] There’s no turn-down service, is there?

[ the Guard slides the door closed ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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