Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 1
Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger…..J.K. Simmons
Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher…..Lee Tergesen
Prisoner #97P904, Ryan O’Reily…..Dean Winters
Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill…..Harold Perrineau
Announcer: [ over scroll ] “On May 14th 1998, Jerry, George, Elaine,and Kramer were sentenced to one year in prison for violating theMassachusetts Good Samaritan Law. Then, due to a series of sarcastic quipsJerry made to prison guards, and a series finale regarded by most TV criticsas “Satisfactory At Best”, Jerry Seinfeld was transferred to a maximum securityprison.
That facility is known as..”[ cut to title card: “OZ” ] [ show various fragments of Oz prison life – cut to Jerry carefully placingtoilet paper around the rim of the toilet in his prison cell ] [ show more scenes of prison life – segue to Jerry working out in the prisongym ] [ show two male inmates making out in the shower, slow pan left to Jerryflossing his teeth at the sink, disgusted at the scene taking place behind him ] [ open on Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger, forming a huddle with some of the other inmates, as Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher, descends the stairs in the background ]
Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: Listen up – Beecher’s going down. In the shower. I’m gonna cut off his sac and stuff it in his mouth.[ Jerry Seinfeld suddenly pokes his head into the crowd ]
Jerry Seinfeld: Hey, fellas. I noticed there’s no cardio equipment in the gym. Is there another room somewhere?[ the prisoners give Jerry a series of dirty looks ]
Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: Who are you?
Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld. Pleasure to meet you! [ extends his hand ]
Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: You a Hebrew?
Jerry Seinfeld: Y-yeah. But people don’t seem to have a problem with it on a national level. [ smiles ] [ cut to Jerry standing next to ?? on the second-floor balcony ]
Jerry Seinfeld: What is with this place? It’s so cliquey. On the other hand, I kinda like the hole. You know, they throw you in naked. It’s like a spa. You know, you’re not looking too good.
?? : Adebisi pricked me with an AIDS-infected needle.
Jerry Seinfeld: [ backing off ] Well.. good luck with all that! [ walks away ] [ cut to the prison cafeteria – Jerry eating lunch with some of the other inmates. Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher, gives a dirty look to Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger, as he walks past the table. ]
Jerry Seinfeld: What is with you two?
Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher: Ah, you know. First, I was his bitch.. then he burned a swastika into my ass.. and then I took a crap in his face. And that started a whole.. thing!
Jerry Seinfeld: Tell me. I once dated a girl who I think was always wearing the same dress!
Prisoner #2: [ gives Jerry a strange look ] Anyway.. he nearly broke every bonein my body. I thought we were gonna make up, and he nailed me to the gym floor!
Jerry Seinfeld: Did he try to..?
Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher: No. Nothing happened.
Jerry Seinfeld: You missed out on the make-up sodomy?
Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher: I missed out on the sodomy!
Jerry Seinfeld: The make-up sodomy’s the best part of being nailed to a gym floor!
Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher: Missed out, baby![ cut to Jerry leading a prison rap session in one of the cells]
Jerry Seinfeld: You think you can hold out longer than me?
Prisoner #97P904, Ryan O’Reily: I know I can hold out longer than you!
Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: Care to make it interesting?
Prisoner #97P904, Ryan O’Reily: A carton smokes?
Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill: I want in, too.
Jerry Seinfeld: You’re all on. [ shakes pinkies with everyone ] Whoever goes the longest without committing male rape wins the Contest.
All: [ throwing up their pinkies ] Yeaaaaaaahh![ cut to Jerry surrounded by prisoners ]
Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: You should have had Kramer on the stand!
???: Kramer’s funny.
Jerry Seinfeld: Maybe I should have married Elaine. You know, the expectations were kinda high.[ Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill, wheels up and throws his carton of smokes on the table ]
Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill: Well.. I’m out!
Jerry Seinfeld: You?![ Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill, throws his hands in the air ]
Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: Yeah.. I’m out, too..
Jerry Seinfeld: [ pause ] Me, too. [ pauses, then laughs ] [ show a quick montage of scenes ]
Announcer: Next week, on “Oz”.[ cut to exterior, the hole ]
Guard: [ slides door open, revealing a naked Jerry in the background ] You alright?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, I’m good. [ steps forward ] There’s no turn-down service, is there?[ the Guard slides the door closed ] [ fade ]