Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 1
99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie
Keeping Him Alive
Head Thug…..Will Ferrell
Puke…..Jerry Seinfeld
Thug #2…..Horatio Sanz
Thug #3…..Jimmy Fallon
[ a Puke is getting beat up by a group of thugs in an abandonedwarehouse ]
Head Thug: Tell us what we need to know, you lousy puke!
Puke: Oh, why don’t you just kill me and get it over with!
Head Thug: I’m afraid it’s not gonna be that easy. You see, I knowa thing or two about the human body.. and, if I have to, I can keepyou alive for weeks ’til I get what I want outta you.
Puke: Screw you!
[ the two other Thugs begin to viciously beat the puke to a pulp, untilthey discover that they’ve killed him ]
Head Thug: Alright, alright! That’s enough!
Thug #2: Hey.. he’s not moving.
Head Thug: I’m not getting a pulse.. Alright, get him on the table. [ the two thugs pick him up and drag him across the floor onto a hospitalstretcher ] Watch his neck! I think he’s had a contusion of the frontallobe – he’s going into shock. Incubate him. I want 60 CCs of saline, stat.Foot pressure?
Thug #2: 80 over 60.
Head Thug: Okay, he may have some internal bleeding. We may needa catscan.
Thug #2: We don’t have one.
Head Thug: St. John’s has one. Why don’t we have one?Damn, this old warehouse! Don’t take your eyes off that EKG, Sammy!
[ cut to exterior, warehouse ]
[ SUPER: LATER THAT NIGHT ]
[ cut to interior, warehouse, Thug #2 offering a drink of water to therecovering puke ]
Thug #2: Easy.. easy.. there you go.. alright.
Head Thug: [ looking at his patient’s chart ] Well.. you had quite alittle episode there, haven’t you? Have you been up at all?
Puke: I just went to the bathroom for a little bit..
Head Thug: Good, good.. Take it slow, so you’ll feel better. Do youfeel better?
Puke: Yeah.. much better..
Head Thug: Good, good.. that’s great to hear.. [ smacks him acrossthe face with his chart ] Let’s go! Let’s get him into the chair! [ thetwo other Thugs drag the puke out of the stretcher and toss him back intothe chair ] So, are you ready to talk, Puke?!
Puke: Go to Hell!
[ the Thugs start beating him up again, as he moans inaudibly ]
Head Thug: [ stopping the brawl ] What is it? What is it? Don’ttry to talk. Let’s go, people! Call Hank at ICU! Tell him to get ready!
Thug #2: Who’s Hank?
Head Thug: Just do it! Mr. Puke, can you hear me? You’ve beenbadly beaten, but you’re gonna be okay!
[ cut to exterior, warehouse ]
[ SUPER: ONE WEEK LATER ]
[ cut to interior, warehouse, Head Thug taking notes on Puke’s chart ]
Head Thug: How’s our little patient?
Puke: Could you.. raise the bed up.. a little bit..?
Head Thug: Sure, fine.. [ raises the bed ] How’s that?
Puke: ..Better..
Head Thug: Yeah? Better?
[ the group of Thugs jump on top of the stretcher and start to beat upthe Puke all over again ]
[ cut to exterior, warehouse ]
[ SUPER: TWO WEEKS LATER ]
[ cut to interior, warehouse, Puke laying helpless in the stretcher asthe Thugs examine him ]
Head Thug: Let’s see.. we did a little plastic surgery on you.. Itlooks good. I ddin’t realize I was treating Cary Grant, except for thisblood here. Are you feeling better?
Puke: [ realizing the trap, shakes head ] Uh-uh! No!
Head Thug: [ holding bat up high ] You’re not feeling better?
Puke: [ nervous ] No, no, not better at all, no. It’s worse!
[ Head Thug puts on a clown nose and holds a little doll in his hand ]
Thug #2: [ confused ] Boss, what are you doing?
Head Thug: Don’t you understand? You treat the disease, you lose.Treat the patient, you win. [ steps into a pair of bedpans and dancesaround ] Look at me, I’m a Monkey-Man! I’m a Monkey-Man!
[ the Puke starts to laugh ]
Thug #2: Boss! Look! He’s laughing! You’re gettin’ through tohim! It’s a miracle!
Head Thug: Alright! [ takes off his bedpan shoe and swats the Pukein the face with it ]
[ Thug #2 picks up the EKG machine and smashes it over the Puke’s skull ]
Head Thug: We’re losing him! Pedals! [ places them on thePuke’s chest ] Clear! Don’t give up on me! Live, dammit, live!
Thug #2: He’s alive!
Head Thug: Alright, now talk! [ punches the Puke’s face ]
Thug #2: He’s dead!
Head Thug: No! [ pounds the Puke’s chest ]
Thug #2: He’s alive! [ Head Thug punches the Puke ] Dead! [ HeadThug pounds the Puke’s chest ] Alive! [ Head Thug punches the Puke ] Dead![ Head Thug pounds the Puke’s chest ] Alive! [ Head Thug punches the Puke ]Dead! [ Head Thug collapses on the Puke’s chest ] Are you saving him, orare you beating on him?
Head Thug: I don’t know. I just don’t know!
Thug #2: Boss! It’s too late!
Head Thug: [ upset ] Alright, let’s call it. Autopsy.
Thug #2: What for?
Head Thug: Because I want to know why this happened, so that it doesn’t happen again.
[ fade to black as autopsy begins ]
