SNL Transcripts: Jerry Seinfeld: 10/02/99: Keeping Him Alive


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 1

99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

Keeping Him Alive

Head Thug…..Will Ferrell
Puke…..Jerry Seinfeld
Thug #2…..Horatio Sanz
Thug #3…..Jimmy Fallon

[ a Puke is getting beat up by a group of thugs in an abandonedwarehouse ]

Head Thug: Tell us what we need to know, you lousy puke!

Puke: Oh, why don’t you just kill me and get it over with!

Head Thug: I’m afraid it’s not gonna be that easy. You see, I knowa thing or two about the human body.. and, if I have to, I can keepyou alive for weeks ’til I get what I want outta you.

Puke: Screw you!

[ the two other Thugs begin to viciously beat the puke to a pulp, untilthey discover that they’ve killed him ]

Head Thug: Alright, alright! That’s enough!

Thug #2: Hey.. he’s not moving.

Head Thug: I’m not getting a pulse.. Alright, get him on the table. [ the two thugs pick him up and drag him across the floor onto a hospitalstretcher ] Watch his neck! I think he’s had a contusion of the frontallobe – he’s going into shock. Incubate him. I want 60 CCs of saline, stat.Foot pressure?

Thug #2: 80 over 60.

Head Thug: Okay, he may have some internal bleeding. We may needa catscan.

Thug #2: We don’t have one.

Head Thug: St. John’s has one. Why don’t we have one?Damn, this old warehouse! Don’t take your eyes off that EKG, Sammy!

[ cut to exterior, warehouse ] [ SUPER: LATER THAT NIGHT ] [ cut to interior, warehouse, Thug #2 offering a drink of water to therecovering puke ]

Thug #2: Easy.. easy.. there you go.. alright.

Head Thug: [ looking at his patient’s chart ] Well.. you had quite alittle episode there, haven’t you? Have you been up at all?

Puke: I just went to the bathroom for a little bit..

Head Thug: Good, good.. Take it slow, so you’ll feel better. Do youfeel better?

Puke: Yeah.. much better..

Head Thug: Good, good.. that’s great to hear.. [ smacks him acrossthe face with his chart ] Let’s go! Let’s get him into the chair! [ thetwo other Thugs drag the puke out of the stretcher and toss him back intothe chair ] So, are you ready to talk, Puke?!

Puke: Go to Hell!

[ the Thugs start beating him up again, as he moans inaudibly ]

Head Thug: [ stopping the brawl ] What is it? What is it? Don’ttry to talk. Let’s go, people! Call Hank at ICU! Tell him to get ready!

Thug #2: Who’s Hank?

Head Thug: Just do it! Mr. Puke, can you hear me? You’ve beenbadly beaten, but you’re gonna be okay!

[ cut to exterior, warehouse ] [ SUPER: ONE WEEK LATER ] [ cut to interior, warehouse, Head Thug taking notes on Puke’s chart ]

Head Thug: How’s our little patient?

Puke: Could you.. raise the bed up.. a little bit..?

Head Thug: Sure, fine.. [ raises the bed ] How’s that?

Puke: ..Better..

Head Thug: Yeah? Better?

[ the group of Thugs jump on top of the stretcher and start to beat upthe Puke all over again ] [ cut to exterior, warehouse ] [ SUPER: TWO WEEKS LATER ] [ cut to interior, warehouse, Puke laying helpless in the stretcher asthe Thugs examine him ]

Head Thug: Let’s see.. we did a little plastic surgery on you.. Itlooks good. I ddin’t realize I was treating Cary Grant, except for thisblood here. Are you feeling better?

Puke: [ realizing the trap, shakes head ] Uh-uh! No!

Head Thug: [ holding bat up high ] You’re not feeling better?

Puke: [ nervous ] No, no, not better at all, no. It’s worse!

[ Head Thug puts on a clown nose and holds a little doll in his hand ]

Thug #2: [ confused ] Boss, what are you doing?

Head Thug: Don’t you understand? You treat the disease, you lose.Treat the patient, you win. [ steps into a pair of bedpans and dancesaround ] Look at me, I’m a Monkey-Man! I’m a Monkey-Man!

[ the Puke starts to laugh ]

Thug #2: Boss! Look! He’s laughing! You’re gettin’ through tohim! It’s a miracle!

Head Thug: Alright! [ takes off his bedpan shoe and swats the Pukein the face with it ] [ Thug #2 picks up the EKG machine and smashes it over the Puke’s skull ]

Head Thug: We’re losing him! Pedals! [ places them on thePuke’s chest ] Clear! Don’t give up on me! Live, dammit, live!

Thug #2: He’s alive!

Head Thug: Alright, now talk! [ punches the Puke’s face ]

Thug #2: He’s dead!

Head Thug: No! [ pounds the Puke’s chest ]

Thug #2: He’s alive! [ Head Thug punches the Puke ] Dead! [ HeadThug pounds the Puke’s chest ] Alive! [ Head Thug punches the Puke ] Dead![ Head Thug pounds the Puke’s chest ] Alive! [ Head Thug punches the Puke ]Dead! [ Head Thug collapses on the Puke’s chest ] Are you saving him, orare you beating on him?

Head Thug: I don’t know. I just don’t know!

Thug #2: Boss! It’s too late!

Head Thug: [ upset ] Alright, let’s call it. Autopsy.

Thug #2: What for?

Head Thug: Because I want to know why this happened, so that it doesn’t happen again.

[ fade to black as autopsy begins ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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