Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 1
Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Jerry Seinfeld #1…..Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld #2…..Jimmy Fallon
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Ah, we meet again!…Hi, I’m Colin Quinn, and here are today’s top stories.
Yesterday, China celebrated the 50th anniversary of Communist rule with a nationwide festival of parades, speeches, and…I’m guessing, now, fireworks?
This week, Dan Quayle announced his withdrawl from the race for the Republican presidential nomination. Quayle cited the financial advantage of the George Bush campaign as a reason for his pull out, but emphasized that he nonetheless wishes his old boss all the best in his presidential bid.
When asked for his reaction to the withdrawl announcement, Pat Buchanan responded that Quayle was inferior, and needed to be eliminated.
The Washington Post reported today that Al Gore’s campaign manager, Craig Smith, has stepped down, because of Gore’s decision to relocate his headquarters to Nashville. Staffers expect Smith to be replaced by this man. [photo of Roy Clark]
A physical examination of Texas governor George W. Bush revealed that the presidential hopeful is in excellent health with the minor exception of mild hearing loss. Doctors assured reporters that the hearing loss was to be expected; you know how people always talk your ear off when you’re doing coke with them?…Said the doctor.
A runaway chain reaction at Japan’s Tokaimura uranium processing plant Thursday exposed thousands of people to dangerous levels of radiation. Japanese officials admitted that, although the r – radiation was bad, it was nothing compared to the time they had two atom bombs dropped on them. [some applause]
Country music superstar Garth Brooks has adopted an alter ego for his new concept album entitled In the Life of Chris Gaines….Funny, that’s the exact disguise I use whenever I go out to buy [doctored photo of Colin Quinn with the Chris Gaines hairdo — long, black hair on top and a little hair underneath the bottom lip] a Garth Brooks album. [some cheers and applause]
In local news, New York mayor Rudy Giuliani has drawn criticism this week for his attempts to shut down a Brooklyn museum [one audience member boos] exhibit featuring a rendition of the Virgin Mary that’s in questionable taste. While he was in Brooklyn, the mayor also shut down questionably tasteful renditions of the Virgin Mary found [doctored photo of a Virgin Mary headstone in a yard] on lawns throughout the borough. [applause and some cheers]
The painting itself, which portrays the holy mother splattered with elephant dung, is being exhibited at the Brooklyn Museum of Art, and will be covered by plexiglass to prevent protesters from defacing it….Which would involve what, cleaning the elephant dung off it?
Now tonight, “Weekend Update” presents the first in a series of retrospectives looking back at the last thousand years. As it draws to a close, we reflect on the millennium.
[Fade to black as dark, mysterious music plays; cut to a dissolving series of zooming-in pictures. The sequence of pictures is as follows: view of Earth from space, William Shakespeare, Neil Armstrong on the moon, a medieval knight, Albert Einstein, Ludwig von Beethoven, Christopher Columbus, a French military leader, a shark.]
Annoucer #1: A thousand years. Ten centuries of human history. We cannot tell every story. So we must choose one to speak for them all. But whose? The explorers? The great generals? Sharks? We went with the sharks.
[music becomes more triumphant; dissolve to an hourglass, then zoom in “WEEKEND UPDATE/THE MILLENNIUM”]
Announcer #2: Weekend Update’s “The Millennium.” [fade up words at the bottom as they are spoken] Part One: Sharks.
[fade to black, then fade up to a series of clips featuring sharks]
Announcer #1: 1000 AD. All over the world, sharks greet the new millennium by swimming and eating things. This continues for several centuries. Meanwhile, on land, the Mongols invade China. And the Black Death sweeps Europe. Sharks are not affected by any of this. But, as the Middle Ages begin, suddenly we find that sharks keep doing the same stuff. [dissolve to picture of Johannes Gutenberg demonstrating his printing press] Then, in 1454, Johannes Gutenberg perfects movable type printing. [dissolve to more clips of sharks] This leads to a flourishing of shark art and culture. Provided, “art and culture” mean “eating and swimming,” and “flourishing” means “stay the same.” You know, as it turns out, these water-breathing death tubes may not be the best way to relate a thousand years of history. Anyway, our bad!
[dissolve to “WEEKEND UPDATE/THE MILLENNIUM” graphic sequence]
Announcer #2: This has been Weekend Update’s “The Millennium.”
[cheers and applause as music fades out; fade to black, then fade up to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin: NASA admitted this week that the Mars Orbiter probe was destroyed after burning up in the atmosphere because scientists failed to convert English units of measurements to metric ones….A bunch of real rocket scientists, these guys, huh?…Despite the loss of the 125-million-dollar satellite, however, NASA says not to worry, ’cause it’s only a dollar 25 in metric money.
President Clinton vetoed a Republican tax bill last week, calling it, quote, “too big and too bloated.” If only he applied the [photo of Monica Lewinsky] same standards to everything. [mixed reaction]…The country’s turned pro-Lewinsky in the summer, huh? All right.
Edmund Morris, the author of Dutch, the controversial new Ronald Reagan biography, has been criticized for creating a fictional character as a device for telling the Reagan story. The character’s name? Chris Gaines.
Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura dismissed a barrage of criticism stemming from a Playboy interview, in which he called organized religion “a sham” and “a crutch for the m – weak-minded,” and suggested that prostitution and drugs should be legalized. Ah heh! He doesn’t sound so crazy now, does he?
Former senator and New York Knick Bill Bradley admitted last week to smoking pot during his younger days. Really? I never would’ve dreamed that somebody who spent the 1970s hangin’ out with guys named “Earl the Pearl” and “Clyde” would even have access to pot.
A Kentucky man was arrested this week after entering the home of actress Ashley Judd. The intruder was held by police until having his bond posted by a desperate and lonely Wynonna. [mostly groans]
Breastfeeding…breastfeeding on federal property got the seal of approval under a bill President Clinton signed into law this week. I mean, what were the odds of [photo of a thumb-up Bill Clinton] that one not getting it? [cheers and applause]
And now it’s time for tonight’s point-counterpoint. Our topic: Should the government impose tighter restrictions on the so-called soft money campaign donations? Here to argue in favor of new spending limits is former television star Jerry Seinfeld.
[pan over to Jerry #1]
Jerry Seinfeld #1: Thank you, Colin. [clears throat]
Colin: And taking the counterpoint is [Jerry Seinfeld #2 enters next to Jerry #1] former television star Jerry Seinfeld.
Jerry Seinfeld #2: Okay, thanks, Colin! Thanks a lot, buddy!
Colin: Gentlemen, your topic is campaign finance reform. Begin.
Jerry #1: What is going on with the Gap? First it was T-shirts, jeans, the khakis — that was great, but now they’re inventing clothing. Have you seen these drawstring pants? Where – w – where am I going in these things, a clambake? Slumber party? Should I volunteer at a hospital?
Jerry #2: Jerry, what are you talking about? I love the Gap!…It’s like going into your closet, except there’s a guy in there! “Hey, guy, pocket tee?” “Really? Thanks, Gap! What, you’ll refold it?” This place is great! [cheers and applause; says something inaudible to Jerry #1]
Jerry #1: Jerry, you ignorant slut. [cheers and applause]…First, they’re swing dancing. Now they want us to wear a vest! It’s stupid! It looks stupid! I say, let’s not wear the vest! We gotta stop these people!
Jerry #2: I know! And those commercials, I mean, they’re not even dancing for us anymore!
Jerry #1: Yes! Just this sullen line of teenage automatons barking out orders!
Jerry #2: [chanting] “We’re gonna dress you up in a vest! We’re gonna dress you up in a vest!”
Jerry #1 and Jerry #2: [chanting] “We’re gonna dress you up in a vest!” [cheers and applause; both look at each other, smile, and nod]
Jerry #1: You’re funny!
Jerry #2: So are you! So are you!
Colin: Hey, uh, fellas, you seem to have found a lot of common ground. Perhaps in the future, we shouldn’t have a person debate himself.
Jerry #1: But – but he makes a good point!
Jerry #2: I like what this guy has to say.
Jerry #1: I know. You’re me.
Jerry #2: Uh, no, you’re not. I’m you!
Jerry #1: I know! I’m kidding!
Jerry #2: I know you’re kidding!
Jerry #1: I know you’re kidding about me kidding! I’m kidding!
Jerry #2: Wanna go see a movie?
Jerry #1: Yeah!
Jerry #2: Yay!
Jerry #1: Let’s go!
[cheers and applause as both Jerrys leave the studio on their chairs]
Colin: Thank you, Jerry Seinfeld. I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it….[collects his sheaf of papers] Good night!
[fade to black]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson