SNL Transcripts: Heather Graham: 10/16/99: The Ladies Man


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 2

99b: Heather Graham / Marc Anthony

The Ladies Man

Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
Roller Girl…..Heather Graham

Announcer: Oh yeah… It’s time for the Ladies’ Man.

Leon Phelps: Yeah what’s hapnin’ and welcome to “TheLadies’ Man,” the love line with all the rightresponses to your romantic queries. I’m Leon Phelps,and how you all doing tonight? Hm? (Crowd applauses)Yeah? Well that’s good! I’m doing really good, ’causeI got my Covosseir right here, hahaha! And tonight, Iwanna talk about the movies. Now, I don’t mean the bighollywood blockbusters, with their cheap laughs andcar crashes. No, I mean the sophisticated andintelligent films. Good old fashoined ones, withladies wearing no underpants. That’s right, it’s timeonce again for… “The Ladies’ Man’s wonderful worldof adult and erotic cinema!” I’m talking about pornos!Yeah, that was cool. Tonight, I will be joined by avery special celebrity guest critic, you problablyknow her from her work in the classic 1976 film,”Skanks on Skates.” Please welcome adult cinima star,Roller Girl!

Roller Girl: Hi!

Leon Phelps: Have a seat! It is so nice to have youhere.

Roller Girl: It’s my pleasure, Leon.

Leon Phelps: Yes, now tell us why you’re tonight’sguest critic.

Roller Girl: Well, ’cause last night you told me if Ihad sex with you, then you’d put me on the show.

Leon Phelps: Shyeaahhaha…. Aaand?

Roller Girl: Oh yeah, well tonight on the show, we’llbe looking at 4 classic adult films newly released onvideo, from my favorite era, the 70’s.

Leon Phelps: Yeah that’s right. Now our first film, inthe 1977 release, is called “Officer and theGenitalman”.

Roller Girl: IT stars Candy Buttsome, Fifi Latoosh,and Barney Penis.

Leon Phelps: Yeah, well Barney Penis is not a veryinventive porn name, but he is a terrrific actor,which is why I really wanted to like this movie more.But the continuity was bad, and so distracting, and ittook away from a very promising storyline about anofficer’s genitals.

Roller Girl: Well Leon, I liked it. It had a classicsoundtrack, some inventie camerawork, and a whole lotof doggystyle!

Leon Phelps: Haha, yeah, well… there’s such a thingas too much doggystyle… Wait a minute, what did Ijust say!? That is absolutley crazy, you’re rightRoller Girl, this is a great film!

Roller Girl: And now our next film is a gripping dramaabout crooked cops on the take, and the one man on theforce willing to stand up to them. Plus, they humpalot.

Leon Phelps: Yeah, that’s right. It’s called “The ModSquat”.

Roller Girl: Now I for one loved this movie, but i betyou didn’t like it, Leon.

Leon Phelps: On contrare, bonjour! I loved this movie!And strangley enough, it was because of thenon-pornographic moments, like in this clip here.

Roller Girl: Let’s take a look.

(The screen shows a naked woman, and 2 men, whileanother woman brings a cup of wine in. Classic 70porno music is playing. The clip lasts about 3seconds.)

Leon Phelps: Yeah, well that was the longestnon-pornographic moment in the film, so… But rightafter that part, the Mod Squat got into some serioussquattin’, so…

Roller Girl: Yeah, I didn’t see what you meant. Thatscene was very dramatic and well acted. Now our nextmovie is a bit of an odd choice, I don’t think it’s anadult film! It stars Bill Murray, and it’s called”Meatballs”. Did you pick this one Leon?

Leon Phelps: Yes, I did. Uhh, you see when I firstrented it, I thought it was an adult film. I mean itis called “Meatballs”. You know? But then I watchedit, and this is one of the funniest movies ever made!I serious! If you like to laugh, do yourself a favor,and rent “Meatballs”. Okay Roller Girl, our last filmis very special for me, because you are in it. It iscalled “Space Knockers”.

Roller Girl: That’s right Leon. In it, I playedPrincess Lebia from the planet Boobula. I am sent toearth to have sex with every man.

Leon Phelps: Yeah, this film is a lost gem, I simplyloved it! Especially your famous monologue, in whichyou say goodbye to every man on the planet Earth.

Roller Girl: Well alot of people ask me to do thatspeech.

Leon Phelps: Well it’s some of the best writting I’veever seen. Would you please do us a favor and do ittonight? Please? Please? (She readies her helmet) Thisis gonna be good!

Roller Girl: (Sad piano tune starts playing) People of the Earth, when I was transmorted from the planet Boobula to your magnificent blue ball, my intentions were pureley erotic. WHen I first arrived, I *came* in peace. Now, with the help of you, Mr. President, and you, the pool cleaner, and you the field hockey team, I have enough sexual energy to orgasmiganicaly transmortify my way back to Boobula. I will miss you earthlings, I will miss your dongs. Good bye!

Leon Phelps: (Crying) Yeah that was great..! It’s justthat every time I hear that speech, I just think, whycouldn’t she stay? Why did she have to go back toBoobula?

Roller Girl: Well that’s okay, I come back 9 more times!

Leon Phelps: Yeah, I know, I was in 3 of those movies!Well anyways, we are out of time here. Thank you forbeing here Roller Girl it’s a pleasure. And we’ll seeyou next time on “The Ladies’ Man!”

Submitted by: Lonnie Fukuda

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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