Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 2
Heather Graham’s Monologue
Heather Graham: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you! Okay! Well, I’m really excited to be here! I’ve mostly done movies, so live TV is kind of new, but after doing Bogey Nights I feel I’ve seen everything. So I’m here, and I’m going to try my best . . .
Tim Meadows: Excuse me, Heather, uh . . .
Heather Graham: Hey, Tim!
Tim Meadows: Hi!
Heather Graham: Hi!
Tim Meadows: Heather, can I tell you something? Yeah, you know, you look, uh – you seem a little tense.
Heather Graham: Really?
Tim Meadows: Yeah, yeah.
Heather Graham: Well, actually, I’m not that tense. I mean, I have done nude scenes before.
Tim Meadows: Yeah, I know. But don’t worry, everybody gets a little nervous.
Heather Graham: Tim, I’m not really –
Tim Meadows: [Tim shushes her a few times, while staring at her breasts.] Don’t be so hard on yourself there. They’re looking great.
Heather Graham: WHAT?
Tim Meadows: I mean, you’re doing great. You know, you just need to relax, that’s all. You know, I’ve been on this show for eight years and every time I need to relax before a show, there’s a special place I like to go. Come on, I’ll show you.
Heather Graham: All right, well, if you think it’ll help!
Tim Meadows: [He leads her off the stage behind a sort of wall-type thing, with a door in front.] Yeah, yeah, come on, I guarantee you, it will help . . . Right this way. Okay, let me show you how to relax the Tim Meadows way. [The two are behind the wall.]
Heather Graham: What are you doing with your pants?
Tim Meadows: Oh, God . . .
Heather Graham: [Running out from behind the wall.] Okay, you know what?
Tim Meadows: What? [He runs out, fumbling with his pants zipper.]
Heather Graham: Um, thanks but no thanks.
Tim Meadows: [nervously] What? I thought you wanted to relax!
Heather Graham: Tim, I have a boyfriend!
Tim Meadows: Oh, that’s okay! I’m bisexual!
[Will Ferrell enters.]
Will Ferrell: Is Tim bothering you, Heather?
Tim Meadows: Hi Will. Sorry. [Runs off the set.]
Heather Graham: Do you know what he was doing back there?
Will Ferrell: Yeah, he’s got a bit of a problem, but everything’s going to be okay now.
Heather Graham: Okay, great. Well, thanks, I’m just gonna get on with it, you know . . .
Will Ferrell: Sure. Tim was right about one thing: you seem a little tense.
Heather Graham: Really!Will Ferrell: Yeah, just take a deep breath and relax and you’ll get through it.
Heather Graham: Thanks, Will!
Will Ferrell: Try stretching a little bit, you know? Try touching your elbows behind your back. Yeah.
[As Heather stretches her elbows behind her back, Will arches his neck to look at her chest.]
Will Ferrell: Good, good. Now reach, reach for the stars! Yeah, that’s good. See, I usually feel it right here. [He puts his hands right by her breasts.] Right here. That’s where I hold a lot of my tension. [He grabs Heather’s breasts.] Right about here.
Heather Graham: [Shoves Will’s hands away.] Thanks, Will, but I feel relaxed now, okay?
Will Ferrell: All right, if that’s the way you . . . Oh! Did anyone tell you that there’s a phone call back there for you?
Heather Graham: Oh, really, right now?
Will Ferrell: Yeah, yeah. It’s really important. Come on, it’s just . . .
Heather Graham: Well, don’t you think I should get it during a commercial?
Will Ferrell: It won’t take a long time. Watch your step. It’s just right here and . . . [He brings her up to that door on the back of the set with the 30 on it.]
Heather Graham: Wow, it’s really dark back here!
Will Ferrell: Here, here’s the phone!
Heather Graham: Oh my God. That’s the phone?
Will Ferrell: Yeah, but it’s for you!
Heather Graham: You know, I really didn’t need to see that.
[Chris Parnell enters, holding a large wrapped box.]
Chris Parnell: Hey, Heather, how’s it going?
Heather Graham: Oh, you know, it’s fine. You know, Chris, I don’t need anyone else to help me with my nervousness, okay?
Chris Parnell: I didn’t think you did. I just brought you this gift because I really admire you and your work.
Heather Graham: Oh, well, that’s really sweet! Thank you!
Chris Parnell: No, no, no, no, no, just open it.
Heather Graham: [Opens it.] Oh, ho, ho, that is really disgusting.
Chris Parnell: What? [As he shrugs his shoulders, the box appears to be attached to his private area.]
Heather Graham: Okay. All right, we have a great show! Marc Anthony is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!
Submitted by: Leadcrow90