SNL Transcripts: Heather Graham: 10/16/99: Weekend Update with Colin Quinn



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 2



99b: Heather Graham / Marc Anthony

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
…..Horatio Sanz

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Hi! I’m Colin Quinn, here are today’s top stories.

Following a military coup in Pakistan Tuesday, the global community is now faced with an increasingly unstable relationship between two nuclear powers: Pakistan and its neighbor, India. In the event of a nuclear conflict, experts envision a destroyed infrastructure, political chaos, and millions starving. In other words, nuclear war could set those countries back months.

Irish-Americans were stunned and outraged last week when President Clinton compared the Northern Ireland peace talks to the bickering of saloon drunks….If you’re as upset as I am…about the President’s perpetuation of the myth of drunken, bloated Irishmen, then write to your senator! [photos of Ted Kennedy and Patrick Leahy; cheers and applause]

Texas governor George W. Bush’s campaign for president continues to pick up steam. Last week, in fact, President Clinton said that Bush reminded him of himself. Marking the most blatant case of negative campaigning in political history.

Vice President Al Gore’s campaign received a boost this week with an endorsement from the AFL-CIO. However, the endorsement did not include the United Auto Workers, who pointed out that in their industry, they’ve always fought against man being replaced by machines….I do not intend to stop now.

Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous have recently updated their questionnaire that helps people determine if they have a substance abuse problem. Questions range from the standard “Have you ever missed work due to drugs or alcohol?” to a newer, more specific “Have you ever been so wasted, O.J. had to call 9-1-1 on you?” [some applause]

Monica Lewinsky’s father, Bernard Lewinsky, is demanding an apology from NBC after a “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit” episode referred to oral sex as “getting a Lewinsky.”…In a letter to NBC, Mr. Lewinsky said it was an outrage and demanded that the reference never be heard again. NBC lawyers responded that he can “go George Michael himself.” [cheers and applause]

Here in New York…here in New York, Italian-Americans celebrated Columbus Day last week with the traditional parade down 5th Avenue. The event was unfortunately marred by the usual unpleasantness — every few feet, one of the marchers would stop, glare at the crowd and say, “What are you lookin’ at?” [some applause]

Last week, ten states approved a referendum that bases teacher salaries on student achievement. Is this a solution to the education crisis in this country? Is there an education crisis? These questions and more on tonight’s “Update Forum.” Joining me tonight is someone who is affected directly by this measure: six-year-old Jasmine.

[pan over to Jasmine]

Jasmine, your thoughts on this?

Jasmine: I like my teacher. I think she should get paid well.

Colin: Hah, hold on a second, please. N – n – no one asked you your feelings about your teacher. Do you think that a teaching system based on incentives is beneficial or harmful?

Jasmine: I don’t know.

Colin: [becomes increasingly intimidating] You don’t know. [chuckles to himself] You don’t know what you think?

Jasmine: Well, I don’t think my teacher should lose money. She’s nice.

Colin: Ho – ho – ho! And what do you base this opinion on, [leans closer to Jasmine] research? Statistics? This is “Update Forum,” Jasmine! You came on here to debate!

Jasmine: I, um–

Colin: [mimicking Jasmine] I, um, I— you didn’t have an opinion on this? I am a fully grown and sophisticated adult! I have opinions about politics, religion, the Internet; you only know about Happy Meals and gum!

Jasmine: I’m sorry! But I’m nervous to be on TV.

Colin: Oh-h-h! But you wanted to be on, didn’t you? After all, you didn’t have to say “yes” to be on! But your naked ambition came through! You’re a little manipulator, Jasmine, yes you are, a little con artist!

Jasmine: You’re scaring me!

Colin: Don’t play games with me! I have a driver’s license! [sits upright]…You know what I think? I don’t think you even wanted to be on TV! But you wanted to be a good little girl! And you thought that if you did good on TV, it would keep Mommy and Daddy together. Instead [some groans]…y– [reacting to audience] oh-h! [leans closer to Jasmine] You messed up! You failed! So Mommy and Daddy are gonna break up! And the main reason is, their marriage couldn’t work because you never went to bed on time! Yeah! It’s your fault! And the only other person that has any meaning in your life, your teacher, is gonna get fired and then it’s just you, baby! And ten years from now, all anybody will remember about this debate is who won! I won this debate, didn’t I?

[returns to normal] Well, this has been the “Update Forum.” [cheers and applause] My guest tonight was Jasmine….Thank you, Jasmine, hope to see you again sometime.

Jasmine: Bye!

[Colin playfully laughs and tickles Jasmine; Jasmine laughs, then Colin grabs her hand and lets her go]

Colin: Oh!…Huh!

Pat Buchanan has begun notifying supporters that he will make a major speech on October 25th, in which he is expected to announce that he will leave the Republican Party and seek the Reform Party nomination. But insiders are not ruling out the possibility that he’s simply to announce that he’s gonna invade Poland. [scattered applause]

In science news, paleontologists recently discovered the fossil remains of a fierce turkey-sized animal with sharp claws and teeth. That may have been the first flying feathered dinosaur, a missing link to today’s birds. And according to Strom Thurmond, it tastes like chicken. [some applause]

Anne…Anne Heche….Anne Heche and Ellen DeGeneres announced last week that they would like to get married in Vermont, if the state would legalize same-sex marriages. Until that time, the couple said they are keeping their fingers crossed, which has enhanced their sex life. [strong reaction]…It doesn’t even…make sense, really, but…something about it! Just thought I’d let…

A recent analysis of government data revealed that four of New York City’s five boroughs are among the top ten counties in America with the highest concentrations of cancer-causing toxins in the air. Take that, New Jersey!

Potential New York Senate candidate Hillary Clinton decided last week not to attend the Mets’ or Yankees’ ongoing league playoffs, but said she would go to the World Series. When asked which team she would root for if both New York squads made it that far, she replied, “Which one has more Jews?” [mixed reaction]

In a recent interview, supermodel Cindy Crawford revealed that whenever she needs to strike a pose with a sexy look on her face, she imagines a secret, private image. [photo of Colin Quinn] Baby! [some applause]…Don’t tell everybody. It’s bad for him to spread it around.

French chefs protesting high taxes last week pelted Paris riot police with eggs. Police retaliated by pouring ketchup all over the eggs. [scattered applause]

Back in New York, leaders of the Ku Klux Klan said they would sue city officials after being denied a permit to hold a white pride rally there. Come on, we already have 41 white pride gatherings every year at the Garden. [photo of three New York Rangers hockey players]…Need one more?

Bill and Hillary Clinton spent last Monday together at Camp David, celebrating their 24th wedding anniversary. I think it’s great to see after all they’ve been through, they still have a sense of humor. [applause]…No word…no word as of yet on what gifts the couple exchanged, but it’s a good bet he did not receive a Lewinsky. [cheers and applause]

And now, here to talk about this year’s Latin explosion in pop music is our very own Horatio Sanz!

[pan over to Horatio]

Horatio Sanz: Thank you. [Colin chuckles] Yeah. [chuckles] And thank you, Colin. [Colin chuckles] Now, for months now, everyone’s been talkin’ about the Latin explosion. Now, granted, some Latin musicians had really big hits this summer, like Ricky Martin, Jennifer Lopez, and Marc Anthony. [cheers]…Yes. Give it up for Marc Anthony — who is here tonight. God bless. [cheers and some applause]…But Colin, that’s only three people. Uh, is that really an explosion?…I…I mean, th – there’s five guys in Smash Mouth. Alone! I mean, is that, like, a white dude explosion?…Oh, and Matchbox 20, Third Eye Blind, and Offspring were all in the Top 20. No one called it a jackass explosion. [mixed reaction]…But – but more important, Colin, why is the Latin explosion just music? Let’s branch out tonight. I’d like to announce the start of the Latin comedy explosion. [cheers] Yeah!…A-and…to kick it off, I’m going to perform some of the traditional Latin comedy I grew up with….The kind you might see on Telemundo. And, Colin’s gonna help me out.

[Upbeat Latin music begins playing. Colin puts on a fake handlebar mustache and Spanish hat and gets a small bowl and spoon, while Horatio puts on a sailor’s hat with red hair both sides. Some applause before the skit begins.]

[Colin and Horatio speak Spanish; English subtitles appear throughout the skit. Horatio speaks in a loud, high-pitched voice.]

¡Yo quiero helado tamarindo!
(Please can I have some ice cream?)

Colin: ¡No helado para tí, niño!
(No! No ice cream for you, little boy.) [slaps Horatio’s hand]

Horatio: ¡Ay!

Colin: ¡No! [slaps Horatio’s hand]

Horatio: ¡Ay! [Colin slaps his hand]

¡Pero me gusto tamarindo, Tío Colin!
(But I want some ice cream, uncle.)

Colin: No, tú eres un niño muy malo.
(No, you are a bad boy.)

Horatio: ¡Waaaaaa!
(Waaaaaa!)

Colin: ¡Ave María! Siempre quieres tamarindo. Okay, come el helado.
(Holey moley! Always wanting ice cream. Okay, have some. You’re a nice boy.) [gives Horatio the bowl and spoon]

Horatio: ¡Qué bueno!…[tastes the “ice cream”] ¡Tamarindooooo!
(Hooray! Hooray! I like ice cream!) [end of skit]

[cheers and applause as Colin and Horatio stand up and take some bows, then sit back down]

Colin: Latin comedy explosion, Horatio Sanz, everybody!

Me llamo Colin Quinn, esa es mi historia y me quedo con ella.
(I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.)

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

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