Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 2
99b: Heather Graham / Marc Anthony
The Zimmermans
Laura Zimmerman…..Cheri Oteri
Josh Zimmerman…..Chris Kattan
Heather…..Heather Graham
Will…..Will Ferrell
Flight Attendant…..Chris Parnell
Laura: [ pointing out the numbers ] Oh honey.
Josh: Oh. I’m sorry, I think you guys are in our seats. Is this A and B?
Laura: Yeah.
Heather: Oh, we thought this was C and D.
Will: Sorry about that.
Josh: That’s alright. It’s Ok, don’t worry about it. It’s not big deal. It’s just, you know, my wife is really particular about her seat. So…
Laura: Ooo! You’re pretty particular about my seat, too.
Josh: You’ve got the best seat in the house.
Laura: [ grinds her hips into him ] Ohh, this seat?
Josh: Yeah, this seat.
Laura: That seat?
Josh: Yeah, this seat.
Laura: Is this the seat you’re talking about?
Josh: That’s the seat I’m talking about.
Laura: Is this the seat?
Flight Attendant: [ breaking in between them ] Speaking of seats, can I ask you folks to take yours?
[ The Zimmermans take their seats ]Josh: Oh, sure. Don’t worry about it.
Flight Attendant: Hi, I’m Bruce Gaylord, your flight attendant.
Laura: Hi, Bruce!
Flight Attendant: And can I please ask you to store your carry on luggage securely beneath your seat or above you in the overhead compartment?
Laura: Oh, Ok sure. [ to Josh ] I’ll get it.
Josh: Honey, I can get it.
Laura: Sit down, I can handle it.
Josh: You sure?
Laura: Yeah.
Josh: Alright.
[ Laura stands over him, struggling with the bag ]Josh: Hey Tease. Ftttt. Teasy-tease. Ftttt. Hey. Hey. Here. I’m talking to you.
Laura: Yes Captain?
Josh: You having problems stowing that?
Laura: It won’t fit, Captain, it’s too big! [ she grinds her hips ]
Josh: Oh, I’ll make it fit! [ he slaps the seat ]
Laura: [ gasps ] Ooo! You can’t fit that thing!
Josh: Oh, I’ll fit that thing! [ he slaps the seat again ]
Laura: Oh, I want to see you fit it!
Josh: You watch me fit that thing!
Laura: You get over here and fit that!
Josh: You watch me fit that thing!
Laura: Get over here and fit it!
Josh: Don’t you make me go up there!
Laura: Get over here and fit this fat thing!
Josh: Don’t you make me go up there!
Laura: You fit this fat thing!
Josh: Don’t you make me go up there!
Laura: You fit that fat thing!
Josh: Don’t you make me go up there!
Laura: You get up here and fit that fat thing!
[ Josh bolts up and grabs Laura as she moans. Heather watches, intrigued. Will smiles to himself, oblivious, listening to headphones ]Laura: Oh, you dirty… [ Josh moans ] filthy… [ Josh moans ] naughty [ Josh moans ] bastard!
Josh: Oh yeah! [ Laura moans heavy ]
Flight Attendant: [ stepping in and grabbing the bag ] Why don’t I just stow this fat thing right back here?
Josh: Oh thank you, thank you very much! He’s very sweet!
Laura: Yeah, he’s nice. I like him. I’m going to write a letter!
[ they take their seat ]Heather: Are…are you guys newlyweds?
Laura: Oh no, we’re just an old married couple.
Captain: [ over intercom ] And, flight attendants please prepare for take-off.
Heather: Honey, how come we never act like that anymore?
Will: [ pointing to headphones ] I’m listening to jazz on 4!
Heather: Hey, how ’bout you try to fit your bag into my compartment?! [ grinding her hips ]
Will: Uh, my bag? What do you mean, I checked it.
Heather: Oh yeah? Well, where’d you check it?
Will: Uhh, at the ticket counter. You were there.
Heather: [ drops hands in defeat, grabs a magazine ] Never mind. Forget it!
Flight Attendant: [ over intercom ] Please note, the captain has turned on the “Fasten Seatbelt” sign. We might be experiencing some slight turbulance up ahead.
Laura: [ searches for seat belt under blanket ] Honey.
Josh: What?
Laura: I can’t find my seat belt. I think it’s stuck.
Josh: Oh, there it is. It’s all twisted. I’ll get it. [ puts his head under the blanket ]
Laura: Just play with it. Ok? Just play with it and then pull it out.
Josh: It’s Ok, I’ll pull it out.
Laura: Ok? You’re playing?
Josh: It’s Ok, I got it.
Laura: And when you pull it out I want you to buckle me.
Josh: [ bringing his head up ] You want me to buckle you?
Laura: [ grabbing his hair through clenched teeth ] I said buckle me. Now get down there and buckle me!
[ She shoves his head back under the blanket as Heather watches on with a big smile ]Josh: Ok, I’ll play with it Honey!
Laura: [ yelling louder and louder ] Ok, now make it tight for Mama! Mama wants it tight!
Josh: Mama wants it tight?
Laura: Mama wants it tight!
Josh: You want it tight?
Laura: [ grabbing onto the arm rests and thrusting her hips ] Alright, that’s it! Work it, Daddy!
Josh: Daddy’s working!
Laura: Work it, Daddy!
Josh: Daddy’s working!
Laura: [ yelling with Josh ] Work it, Daddy! Work it, Daddy! Work it, Daddy! Ok! You got it!
Josh: [ calm again ] It took a long time.
Laura: Sorry!
[ Heather watches them, biting her lip. She grabs her bag peanuts and scatters them to the floor ]Heather: Oh darn, I’m so clumsy! Honey?
Will: Hey, old Cosby stand-up on 5! Chickenheart! Very funny!
Heather: Look I, uhh, I dropped my peanuts.
Will: Oh. So…so pick them up.
Heather: I want you to get down on all fours and, like, pick them up for me!
Will: [ shrugs ] Alright. [ kneels to the floor ]
Heather: [ throwing a blanket over his head and grinding her hips ] Go on, look for those peanuts! Look hard for Mama! That’s it!
Will: Uhh, hey what’s with the blanket? Is there a reason for the…
Heather: I want you to get down there until you get every single one!
Will: We…we can get another bag of peanuts. It’s not a problem. It’s very dirty down here. [ lifts his head ]
Heather: [ shoving his head down and grinding harder ] I want you to get down on that floor and get those peanuts for Mama!
Will: Ow, my hair! We can get a bag of peanuts! It’s not a problem!
Heather: [ slapping her thighs in frustration ] You’re pathetic! [ stands and storms to the back ]
Will: [ starts to chase her] Honey, what did I… [ sits back down, confused ]
Captain: [ over intercom ] And now I’d like you to sit back and enjoy our in-flight feature film, “Simon Birch”.
Laura: Oh, I love “Simon Birch”. It’s the little kid with the glasses. I’m going to get my, uhh, my neck pillow.
Josh: Well Honey, be careful. There’s turbulance.
Laura: It’s ok, Honey, I’ll be fine. Don’t’ worry about me.
[ Suddenly the plane shakes, sending Laura into Will’s lap ]Laura: Oh God!
Josh: Honey!
Laura: Oh, I’m so sorry!
Will: Are you alright?
Laura: Yes, yes, I’m fine.
[ Heather comes back and sees Laura in Will’s lap ]Heather: Oh, so now you’re Mile-High Club Man.
Laura: Oh, no, it was just the turbulance. I just fell…
Heather: Oh really? [ fake stumbles ] Oh! Turbulance! [ falls into Josh’s lap ]
Laura: Oh yeah? Uh-oh, what just happened?! Uh-oh! [ jumps up and falls into Will’s lap, ass in the air ]
Heather: Oh you know, this turbulance is making me really hot! [ rips open Josh’s shirt ]
Josh: Oh, Ok! That’s enough! Thank you!
Laura: [ standing ] You like a…bumpy ride, bitch?
Heather: [ standing to face her ] Yeah, I like a bumpy ride. [ slaps her on the ass ]
Laura: [ grabs her hair ] Oh, I like a bumpy ride too. [ slaps her on the ass ] [ The two ladies continue to slap and pull on each other as they stand off. Eventually, Josh stands up ]
Josh: Hey hey, girls, stop this. Alright, let’s stop this.
Laura: Oh you want us to stop it, huh? [ grabs his hair ]
Josh: Hey, watch the hair! [ she slaps his face ] Hey come on! [ grabs his nipples ] Oh my god!
Laura: [ bending over the arm rest ] Make me stop it! Make me stop it!
Josh: [ spanking her ] Don’t make me do this! Don’t make me do this!
[ He continues spanking her until Will bolts out of his chair and grabs him ]Will: Hey, what are you doing? Nobody talks to my wife like that!
[ Will grabs Josh by the face and give him a giant, open-mouth kiss. Everyone starts freaking out, screaming ]All: Oh my God!
Laura: Oh my God! There are families in coach, Mister!!
Josh: We were watching “Simon Birch”!!!
Will: [ baffled ] What have I done? I don’t… [ he runs off, Heather chasing after him ]
Heather: I don’t even know you!
[ The Zimmermans console each other ]Laura: Oh my God!
Josh: Oh God!
Laura: Oh honey, are you Ok?
Josh: I’m Ok. I’m Ok.
[ Flight Attendant enters, carrying a plate ]Flight Attendant: Uhh, anyone care for a hot towel?
Laura: [ taking one ] Yeah, Ok. [ throws it to Josh ] I want a hot towel.
Josh: You want a hot towel?
Laura: [ bends over ] Right here.
Josh: Is that what you want?
[ Scene fades with Josh spanking Laura with the towel ]Submitted by: Adam
