SNL Transcripts: Heather Graham: 10/16/99: The Zimmermans


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 2

99b: Heather Graham / Marc Anthony

The Zimmermans

Laura Zimmerman…..Cheri Oteri
Josh Zimmerman…..Chris Kattan
Heather…..Heather Graham
Will…..Will Ferrell
Flight Attendant…..Chris Parnell

[ Establishing shot of an airport. Open to inside an airplane. Will and Heather sit next to each other in their seats as Josh and Laura enter, carrying bags and looking at their ticket. They get to Will and Heather and look at the seat numbers. ]

Laura: [ pointing out the numbers ] Oh honey.

Josh: Oh. I’m sorry, I think you guys are in our seats. Is this A and B?

Laura: Yeah.

Heather: Oh, we thought this was C and D.

Will: Sorry about that.

Josh: That’s alright. It’s Ok, don’t worry about it. It’s not big deal. It’s just, you know, my wife is really particular about her seat. So…

Laura: Ooo! You’re pretty particular about my seat, too.

Josh: You’ve got the best seat in the house.

Laura: [ grinds her hips into him ] Ohh, this seat?

Josh: Yeah, this seat.

Laura: That seat?

Josh: Yeah, this seat.

Laura: Is this the seat you’re talking about?

Josh: That’s the seat I’m talking about.

Laura: Is this the seat?

Flight Attendant: [ breaking in between them ] Speaking of seats, can I ask you folks to take yours?

[ The Zimmermans take their seats ]

Josh: Oh, sure. Don’t worry about it.

Flight Attendant: Hi, I’m Bruce Gaylord, your flight attendant.

Laura: Hi, Bruce!

Flight Attendant: And can I please ask you to store your carry on luggage securely beneath your seat or above you in the overhead compartment?

Laura: Oh, Ok sure. [ to Josh ] I’ll get it.

Josh: Honey, I can get it.

Laura: Sit down, I can handle it.

Josh: You sure?

Laura: Yeah.

Josh: Alright.

[ Laura stands over him, struggling with the bag ]

Josh: Hey Tease. Ftttt. Teasy-tease. Ftttt. Hey. Hey. Here. I’m talking to you.

Laura: Yes Captain?

Josh: You having problems stowing that?

Laura: It won’t fit, Captain, it’s too big! [ she grinds her hips ]

Josh: Oh, I’ll make it fit! [ he slaps the seat ]

Laura: [ gasps ] Ooo! You can’t fit that thing!

Josh: Oh, I’ll fit that thing! [ he slaps the seat again ]

Laura: Oh, I want to see you fit it!

Josh: You watch me fit that thing!

Laura: You get over here and fit that!

Josh: You watch me fit that thing!

Laura: Get over here and fit it!

Josh: Don’t you make me go up there!

Laura: Get over here and fit this fat thing!

Josh: Don’t you make me go up there!

Laura: You fit this fat thing!

Josh: Don’t you make me go up there!

Laura: You fit that fat thing!

Josh: Don’t you make me go up there!

Laura: You get up here and fit that fat thing!

[ Josh bolts up and grabs Laura as she moans. Heather watches, intrigued. Will smiles to himself, oblivious, listening to headphones ]

Laura: Oh, you dirty… [ Josh moans ] filthy… [ Josh moans ] naughty… [ Josh moans ] bastard!

Josh: Oh yeah! [ Laura moans heavy ]

Flight Attendant: [ stepping in and grabbing the bag ] Why don’t I just stow this fat thing right back here?

Josh: Oh thank you, thank you very much! He’s very sweet!

Laura: Yeah, he’s nice. I like him. I’m going to write a letter!

[ they take their seat ]

Heather: Are…are you guys newlyweds?

Laura: Oh no, we’re just an old married couple.

Captain: [ over intercom ] And, flight attendants please prepare for take-off.

Heather: Honey, how come we never act like that anymore?

Will: [ pointing to headphones ] I’m listening to jazz on 4!

Heather: Hey, how ’bout you try to fit your bag into my compartment?! [ grinding her hips ]

Will: Uh, my bag? What do you mean, I checked it.

Heather: Oh yeah? Well, where’d you check it?

Will: Uhh, at the ticket counter. You were there.

Heather: [ drops hands in defeat, grabs a magazine ] Never mind. Forget it!

Flight Attendant: [ over intercom ] Please note, the captain has turned on the “Fasten Seatbelt” sign. We might be experiencing some slight turbulance up ahead.

Laura: [ searches for seat belt under blanket ] Honey.

Josh: What?

Laura: I can’t find my seat belt. I think it’s stuck.

Josh: Oh, there it is. It’s all twisted. I’ll get it. [ puts his head under the blanket ]

Laura: Just play with it. Ok? Just play with it and then pull it out.

Josh: It’s Ok, I’ll pull it out.

Laura: Ok? You’re playing?

Josh: It’s Ok, I got it.

Laura: And when you pull it out I want you to buckle me.

Josh: [ bringing his head up ] You want me to buckle you?

Laura: [ grabbing his hair through clenched teeth ] I said buckle me. Now get down there and buckle me!

[ She shoves his head back under the blanket as Heather watches on with a big smile ]

Josh: Ok, I’ll play with it Honey!

Laura: [ yelling louder and louder ] Ok, now make it tight for Mama! Mama wants it tight!

Josh: Mama wants it tight?

Laura: Mama wants it tight!

Josh: You want it tight?

Laura: [ grabbing onto the arm rests and thrusting her hips ] Alright, that’s it! Work it, Daddy!

Josh: Daddy’s working!

Laura: Work it, Daddy!

Josh: Daddy’s working!

Laura: [ yelling with Josh ] Work it, Daddy! Work it, Daddy! Work it, Daddy! Ok! You got it!

Josh: [ calm again ] It took a long time.

Laura: Sorry!

[ Heather watches them, biting her lip. She grabs her bag peanuts and scatters them to the floor ]

Heather: Oh darn, I’m so clumsy! Honey?

Will: Hey, old Cosby stand-up on 5! Chickenheart! Very funny!

Heather: Look I, uhh, I dropped my peanuts.

Will: Oh. So…so pick them up.

Heather: I want you to get down on all fours and, like, pick them up for me!

Will: [ shrugs ] Alright. [ kneels to the floor ]

Heather: [ throwing a blanket over his head and grinding her hips ] Go on, look for those peanuts! Look hard for Mama! That’s it!

Will: Uhh, hey what’s with the blanket? Is there a reason for the…

Heather: I want you to get down there until you get every single one!

Will: We…we can get another bag of peanuts. It’s not a problem. It’s very dirty down here. [ lifts his head ]

Heather: [ shoving his head down and grinding harder ] I want you to get down on that floor and get those peanuts for Mama!

Will: Ow, my hair! We can get a bag of peanuts! It’s not a problem!

Heather: [ slapping her thighs in frustration ] You’re pathetic! [ stands and storms to the back ]

Will: [ starts to chase her] Honey, what did I… [ sits back down, confused ]

Captain: [ over intercom ] And now I’d like you to sit back and enjoy our in-flight feature film, “Simon Birch”.

Laura: Oh, I love “Simon Birch”. It’s the little kid with the glasses. I’m going to get my, uhh, my neck pillow.

Josh: Well Honey, be careful. There’s turbulance.

Laura: It’s ok, Honey, I’ll be fine. Don’t’ worry about me.

[ Suddenly the plane shakes, sending Laura into Will’s lap ]

Laura: Oh God!

Josh: Honey!

Laura: Oh, I’m so sorry!

Will: Are you alright?

Laura: Yes, yes, I’m fine.

[ Heather comes back and sees Laura in Will’s lap ]

Heather: Oh, so now you’re Mile-High Club Man.

Laura: Oh, no, it was just the turbulance. I just fell…

Heather: Oh really? [ fake stumbles ] Oh! Turbulance! [ falls into Josh’s lap ]

Laura: Oh yeah? Uh-oh, what just happened?! Uh-oh! [ jumps up and falls into Will’s lap, ass in the air ]

Heather: Oh you know, this turbulance is making me really hot! [ rips open Josh’s shirt ]

Josh: Oh, Ok! That’s enough! Thank you!

Laura: [ standing ] You like a…bumpy ride, bitch?

Heather: [ standing to face her ] Yeah, I like a bumpy ride. [ slaps her on the ass ]

Laura: [ grabs her hair ] Oh, I like a bumpy ride too. [ slaps her on the ass ] [ The two ladies continue to slap and pull on each other as they stand off. Eventually, Josh stands up ]

Josh: Hey hey, girls, stop this. Alright, let’s stop this.

Laura: Oh you want us to stop it, huh? [ grabs his hair ]

Josh: Hey, watch the hair! [ she slaps his face ] Hey come on! [ grabs his nipples ] Oh my god!

Laura: [ bending over the arm rest ] Make me stop it! Make me stop it!

Josh: [ spanking her ] Don’t make me do this! Don’t make me do this!

[ He continues spanking her until Will bolts out of his chair and grabs him ]

Will: Hey, what are you doing? Nobody talks to my wife like that!

[ Will grabs Josh by the face and give him a giant, open-mouth kiss. Everyone starts freaking out, screaming ]

All: Oh my God!

Laura: Oh my God! There are families in coach, Mister!!

Josh: We were watching “Simon Birch”!!!

Will: [ baffled ] What have I done? I don’t… [ he runs off, Heather chasing after him ]

Heather: I don’t even know you!

[ The Zimmermans console each other ]

Laura: Oh my God!

Josh: Oh God!

Laura: Oh honey, are you Ok?

Josh: I’m Ok. I’m Ok.

[ Flight Attendant enters, carrying a plate ]

Flight Attendant: Uhh, anyone care for a hot towel?

Laura: [ taking one ] Yeah, Ok. [ throws it to Josh ] I want a hot towel.

Josh: You want a hot towel?

Laura: [ bends over ] Right here.

Josh: Is that what you want?

[ Scene fades with Josh spanking Laura with the towel ]

Submitted by: Adam

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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