Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
French Stewart…..Jimmy Fallon
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to “Celebrity Jeopardy”. Before we begin the Double Jeopardyround, I’d like to ask our contestants once again to please refrain from usingethnic slurs. That said, let’s take a look at the scores. Sean Connery has seta new “Jeopardy” record with -$230,000.
Sean Connery: You think you’re pretty smart, don’t you, Trebek? What with your Diegomustache and your greasy hair!
Alex Trebek: Look, what did I just say about ethnic slurs? From “3rd Rock From theSun”, French Stewart in second place with -$17,000.
French Stewart: I’m a late bloomer, Alex, and in Double Jeopardy, I’m gonna bloom!
Alex Trebek: Sure you will. And finally, back again, Burt Reynolds in a commandinglead with $14.
Burt Reynolds: Hey. Hey, ah.. check out the podium. Look at this.
Alex Trebek: Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to Turd Ferguson.
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, that’s right. Turd Ferguson. It’s a funny name.
Alex Trebek: Great. Let’s take a look at the final board. And the categories are:”Potent Potables”; “Sharp Things”; “Movies That Start with the Word Jaws”; “APetit Déjeuner” – that category is about French phrases, so let’s just skip it.
Burt Reynolds: Hey, uh, I speak a little French. You’re an assbite, pardon myFrench. [ does a quick laugh ]
French Stewart: My name’s French!
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, well, who gives a damn?
Alex Trebek: Moving on.. “Animal Sounds”; “Condiments”; and finally, “Your Ass or aHole in the Ground”. Mr. Reynolds, unfortunately you’re in the lead, so we’llstart with you.
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, I’ll take the condom thing for, uh.. eight thou.
Alex Trebek: That’s “Condiments”. For $400. “This condiment is made frommustard seeds”. [ Stewart buzzes in ] French Stewart.
French Stewart: The answer, of course, is onions. I’ll take “Condiments” for $800, thank you.. [ buzzer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: That’s not the right answer. [ Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.
Burt Reynolds: That’s not my name.
Alex Trebek: Okay. Turd Ferguson.
Burt Reynolds: [ laughs ] Yeah, what do ya want?
Alex Trebek: You buzzed in!
Burt Reynolds: No I didn’t.
Alex Trebek: Yes you did!
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, well, that’s your opinion.
Alex Trebek: I hate my job. The answer was “mustard”. Mustard is made from mustardseeds. Mr. Reynolds, it’s still your board.
Burt Reynolds: Yeah well, why don’t you give me, ah.. why don’tcha give me Ape Tit for $200.
Alex Trebek: It’s not “Ape Tit.” It’s A Petit.. [ shakes head ] ..never mind! Let’s justgo to “Animal Sounds” for $600. This is the sound a doggy makes. [ Connery buzzes in ] Mr. Connery.
Sean Connery: Moo. [ buzzer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: No.
Sean Connery: Well, that’s the sound your mother made last night! [ laughs ]
Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s not necessary. [ Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.
Burt Reynolds: Who is, ah, Scooby Doo? [ buzzer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: No.
Burt Reynolds: That was a funny dog, Scooby Doo. He drove around in a van and, ah,solved mysteries.
Alex Trebek: That is incorrect.
Burt Reynolds: No, that’s correct. I remember he had a pal, Scrappy Doo.
Alex Trebek: No. [ Stewart buzzes in ] French Stewart, the sound a dog makes.
French Stewart: Um.. [ breathes ] ..who is John Caffney and the Beaver Brown Band, thankyou very much, I’ll take Animal Sounds for $800 please.. [ buzzer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: No! Good Lord! We would’ve accepted “bow-wow” or “ruff”!
Sean Connery: Ah, ruff. Just the way your mother likes it Trebek!
Alex Trebek: Come on, that’s way out of line, but.. [ Reynolds walks up to Trebek wearing a large hat ] Mr. Reynolds, what are you doing?
Burt Reynolds: Ha-ha! Yeah, I found this backstage, an over-sized hat. It’s funny.
Alex Trebek: No, it’s not!
Burt Reynolds: Sure it is. It’s funny. It’s funny because it’s ah, bigger than, ah.. [ clears throat ] ..you know, a normal hat.
Alex Trebek: Uh, I see that. Get back to your podium.
Burt Reynolds: [ laughs ] Take a look at that!
Alex Trebek: Yeah, I see it. Go back to your podium. [ Reynolds goes back to his podium ] It’s not funny. What’s going on? Okay, let’s just move on to FinalJeopardy. And the category is.. you know what? I tell you what, just write a number. Any number, any number and you win. [ music starts ] We’ll accept anynumber, any number at all.. a one, or a two, or a three, or how about a four? It’s that simple, I know you can do this. [ music ends ] Let’s start with FrenchStewart, who’s grinning like an idiot. You look pretty sure of yourself. Thinkyou’ve got the right answer?
French Stewart: Yes, I’m pretty sure of it, Alex.
Alex Trebek: Well, all you had to do was write down a number. And you wrote.. [ showsStewart’s screen ] ..Threeve. A combination of three and five. [ Stewart nods ] Simply stunning. And you wagered.. [ shows his wager ] ..Texas with a dollar signin front of it. I’m speechless.
French Stewart: No, I did not get the answer from anyone else, it all came from Mr.Stewart’s noggin.. [ points at his head ] ..up here.
Alex Trebek: That’s beautiful. Mr. Reynolds..
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, don’t bother, I didn’t write anything.
Alex Trebek: Good work, all right. Finally, Mr. Connery.. the category was Numbers,and you wrote.. [ shows his screen ] ..a letter V. Well, I tell you what, my friend -V is a Roman numeral, so despite your best efforts, you answered correctly. Let’s see what you wagered.. [ wager is revealed to use the V as part of a K in”Suck it Trebek” ] “Suck it Trebek”. [ Connery laughs wildly ] That’s all the timewe have. Good night, my.. [ Reynolds places over-sized hat on Trebek’s head ]Would you get that off of me? [ pulls it off his own head ][ fade out ]
Thanks to GohanDZ for this transcript.