Guiliani’s World Series Bets
Mayor Rudolph Guliani…..Darrell Hammond
Voice in Crowd…..Will Ferrell
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. As you know, our beloved Yankees are in the World Series for the second straight year. Before tonight’s game, I received a phone call from the Mayor of Atlanta, Bill Campbell, and he proposed a little wager on the World Series. He said he’d send me a bushel of Georgia peaches if the Yankees won.. and if the Braves won, I had to send him a box of New York strip steaks. Well, I laughed in his face. I said, “Ha ha ha ha ha!” I said, “Listen up, you thissel-chewing hayseed. Betting for peaches might fly with you rubes in the Hillbilly State, but not with the Mayor of New York City.” He asked what I wanted to bet.. I said, “I know my Yankees are gonna win. I got $250,000 to back it up.” That’s right. A cool quarter of a million dollars. And he claimed he didn’t have that kind of money.. I didn’t call him a liar, I just said, “Fine, Huckleberry. If the Braves win, I send you a painting of the Virgin Mary smeared with fecal matter. And if the Yankees win, I want you to send me fifty of your most inbred, redneck Georgia state troopers to come up here and crack skulls of street vendors and cabbies.” Still, the man said no. You know why?
Voice in Crowd: Because you’re crazy?
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: No. Because he knows the Braves suck. They suck hard, they suck at commitment, they suck completely. And then I said, “Okay, Mayor of Heehaw-Land: if the Yankees win, I’ll line up all our vagrants and crazies, winos and cabbies, and I’ll send them to Atlanta.. and if, by some fluke, the Braves win, I take your bums!” But, again, he refused, because Mayor Campbell knows that the Yankees are the better team! Finally, I said, “Okay, here it is: if the Yankees win, we get the severed head of John Rocker on a stick. If the Braves win, I’ll dress up like Scarlett O’Hara, and you can romance me with a plunger.” That’s when he hung up. ‘Cause he’s terrified of our Yankees! I want all you people to remember how much I believe in the Yankees next year when you’re voting for the Senate. ‘Cause you can bet your sweet ass Hillary doesn’t care about the Yankees, and we don’t need people like that in Congress. Thank you, and go Yankees! Oh, and one more thing: Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“