Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 3
Martha Stewart: The Commodity
Martha Stewart … Ana Gasteyer
Announcer: And now a message from Martha Stewart.
Martha Stewart: Do you love the amber hues of autumn filtered through the weathered planks of an 18th century New England barn? How about heirloom tomatoes plucked fresh from the garden and pickled in a savory rosemary brine? No? How about cold hard cash? I’m Martha Stewart and this week I hit the mother lode.
On Tuesday I sold 7.5 million shares of myself to you the apple-picking, antique-collecting, recklessly E-trading public. Martha Stewart is one of the most successful IPO’s in Wall Street history. The soothing aroma of money. [sniffs wad of money] It’s a scent I really cherish.
Some skeptics don’t believe in “lifestyle” as a commodity. But this week proved that millions of you are ready to stake your financial future on decorative gourds and pruning techniques and you won’t regret it. In addition in doubling in value every 8 hours, my stock certificates also make an elegant wall hanging. Fashioned out of hand-made linen paper and individually calligraphed by my personal secretary, each share evokes a homey sophistication and a pantload of East Hampton class.
Heavy investors in Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia will enjoy a festive shareholder’s lunch with all the trappings of tasteful productivity. I wonder if IBM shareholders get Caribbean pumpkin soup and individual profiteroles at their annual meeting. Not likely.
The real Martha Stewart is a frigid 58 year old divorcee with a filthy mouth and a mean streak. But Martha Stewart the commodity has tremendous potential for expansion and growth. Future ventures include retail stores, theme parks, and converting Cuba into an enormous Bed and Breakfast. So contact your broker or visit my website at marthastewart.sweetcrazymoney.com and buy a piece of me. Your nest egg and my obsessive WASPy perfectionism together we’ll milk the Dow Jones like a friendly old Holstein. It’s a good thing.
Submitted by: Michael Menninger