Weekend Update with Colin Quinn


Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Marla Maples…..Cheri Oteri

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk, where he takes a quick drink of water before he’s ready to do the news]

Colin Quinn: Ah! Ugh. Hi, I’m Colin Quinn, here are tonight’s top stories.

Citing fundraising difficulties, Elizabeth Dole officially ended her bid for the presidency on Wednesday. Quoting Teddy Roosevelt, Dole said, “It is far better to dare mighty things than to live in the great twilight that knows not victory or defeat.” And then she quit. I don’t think she really understands what Roosevelt was talking about.

After her announcement, Bob Dole turned to his wife and said, “I knew Teddy Roosevelt, I worked with Teddy Roosevelt, and you are no Teddy Roosevelt.”

Following her withdrawl, Dole will return to a quiet life outside politics at home with her husband, where the only daily speeches she’ll be making will be, “Get that thing away from me.”…[finally puts down his first sheet of paper] All on one page.

The author of a disputed new book that alleges George Bush, Senior covered up a 1972 cocaine bust on behalf of his son, George W., has reportedly been identified as an ex-con who once tried to have his boss killed with a car bomb. Folks, that’s what we’ve come to. [portrait of George Washington] From “I cannot tell a lie” to [photo of George W. Bush] “The guy who knows about my coke busts tried to have his boss wacked.” [modest reaction]…Doesn’t seem to bother you, but, um…

At a movie premiere this week, Monica Lewinsky revealed a new, slimmer self to the paparazzi. She claims to have lost 30 pounds since late s – last summer, and to have gained some much-needed confidence. “After all,” remarked Lewinsky, “when I was heavier, the only man I could get was the leader of the free world.”

In business news, Martha Stewart earned a billion dollars in one day this week when her company, Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, went public on the New York Stock Exchange. Meanwhile, across town, Debbie Matenopoulos checked the cushions of her couch, trying to scare – scrape up enough money to buy a pint of Stonehaus vodka and some Hostess Sno Balls for breakfast.

The stock itself is now trading at 40 dollars a share. But for those of you who can’t afford to pay that much, I can show you how to make your own shares using some string and a Mason jar.

The World Wrestling Federation also went public this week. [one cheer] Economists say the WWF stock…that purchases come from similar socioeconomic and age groups, and tend to live in exclusive, gated [photo of a trailer] communities.

This week, Larry King announced that his 39-year-old wife is pregnant again, prompting King to boast that he’s, quote, “reinventing manhood.” When reached for comment, King’s wife said, “Just get him off me, okay?”

Tonight, part two of our retrospective looking back at the past thousand years, this is Weekend Upth – Update’s “The Millennium.”

[As dark, mysterious music plays, dissolve to a dissolving series of zooming-in pictures. The sequence of pictures is as follows: view of Earth from space, William Shakespeare, Neil Armstrong on the moon, a medieval knight, Albert Einstein, Ludwig von Beethoven, Christopher Columbus, a French military leader, doctored photo of “Happy Days” character Fonzie and Frankenstein’s monster standing in front of the airplane The Spirit of St. Louis, doctored photo of a bird of prey carrying away Abraham Lincoln, doctored photo of Harry Truman holding up a Chicago Daily Tribune newspaper with the headline “VADER DEFEATS FLINTSTONE.”]

Announcer #1: As we reflect on a thousand years of human achievement, we tend to focus on events that actually happened, and people who really existed. That’s one way to study history. But what about stuff that’s completely made up? Tonight, we look past the facts to examine the moments that never occurred.

[dissolve to an hourglass, then zoom in “WEEKEND UPDATE/THE MILLENNIUM”]

Announcer #2: Weekend Update’s “The Millennium.” [fade up words at the bottom as they are spoken] Part Two: Moments That Never Occurred.

[Music becomes more triumphant. Dissolve to a series of dissolving pictures. Sequence is as follows: 18th-century London, zooming-out doctored picture of Mark Twain and “Masters of the Universe” character Skeletor, doctored photo of an atom bomb exploding over St. Louis, the Great Wall of China, doctored photo of a kitten and three surgeons performing an operation, clip of Lucille Ball, doctored picture of Lucille in an electric chair with cereal mascot Captain Crunch approaching her, zooming-out doctored photo of a flying saucer over Mount Rushmore in broad daylight, zooming-out doctored portrait of the Mona Lisa with the head of Rollie Fingers, zooming-out doctored picture of Evel Knievel motorcycle jumping over George Washington and his troops crossing the Delaware River.]

Announcer #1: London, 1740. Mark Twain and Skeletor from “He-Man” have just won the Battle of Norway by dropping an atomic bomb on St. Louis. Meanwhile, in rural China, a kitten performs the first successful heart transplant. This leads to beloved funnywoman Lucille Ball being put to death in the electric chair by Captain Crunch. These are the events that define our millennium. Complex. Interwoven. Not at all true. Moments that never occurred.

[dissolve to “WEEKEND UPDATE/THE MILLENNIUM” graphic sequence]

Announcer #2: This has been Weekend Update’s “The Millennium.”

[cheers and applause; fade out music, dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin: This week, General Electric announced a recall of 3.1 million dishwashers. After hearing that there are over three million dishwashers in the United States, Pat Buchanan called for stricter immigration laws.

The New York chapter of the Ku Klux Klan held a rally in downtown Manhattan earlier today after a judge ruled this week that the city could not ban the march. New York has responded to the ruling as expected — within minutes of the judge’s decision, sidewalk vendors were out selling counterfeit white hoods.

Executives from the six major broadcast networks have agreed that later this year, they will stop indicating to TV listing services whether a show is a rerun or not. So join us live next week with our host, Fran Tarkenton and musical guest, Leon Redbone.

A poll released this week by the Pew Research Center said that Vice President Al Gore actually does well with women voters, in part because women aren’t concerned with the candidate’s personality. Of course! Women always feel comfortable with a homeless, quiet guy who hangs out with the creep who’s nailing [photo of Bill Clinton] all their friends.

For the first time since scientists began tracking air quality in the mid ’70s, Houston [an audience member sneezes] has supplanted Los Angeles — [to the audience member who sneezed] God bless you — as the smog capital of America….Houston has supplanted Los Angeles as the smog capital of America. Houston will now go on to face New Jersey in the finals….[very quietly to the audience member who sneezed] It would’ve worked better if you hadn’t sneezed.

World-renown cellist Yo-Yo Ma accidentally left his 2.5-million-dollar cello in the trunk of a New York City taxi this week, but recovered it a few hours later. Imagine a musician losing his cherished instrument. I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. [photo of Kenny G] Well– [applause]…There you go.

And at a party fundraiser last week, President Clinton said that he wished he could run for president again. When he was then asked what he would miss most about the presidency, Clinton said, “You know what.”

This week, a Reform Party presidential hopeful, Donald Trump, has been involved in a nasty battle with ex-wife number two, Marla Maples, who threatened to, quote, “expose Trump for what he really is.” Here, with a further comment, is Marla Maples.

[pan over to Marla]

Marla Maples: Thank you, Colin. You know, I was serious when I said Donald Trump would be exposed for what he really is — an arrogant model-chasing playboy creep.

Colin: But that’s what everybody already knows about him.

Marla: [after a pause] Oh….But you have to realize, Colin, that he wasn’t always like that. I mean, if you cou – could have just seen him with our daughter, Tiffany. We named her after the jewelry store.

Colin: Sounds classy.

Marla: I know….We had so much fun together. [becomes increasingly upset] But those…those happy days are gone now. And it was all my fault anyway, Colin, I…I just shouldn’t have turned 26. So stupid!…[whispers] So stupid!

Colin: Now wait, Marla…Marla, I – I mean, I still think you’re beautiful.

Marla: [piqued] You do?

Colin: Yeah! I mean, maybe we can go out.

Marla: [looks at Colin, then chuckles] Uhhh, I don’t know….I mean, what do you grab here, maybe a hundred grand a year, tops? [laughs]…[smugly] I mean, I’m sure in Brooklyn, you know, that, uh, you know, you’ve made it, but uh, [laughs]…I mean, come on! This is Park Avenue cooch over here, my friend! [cheers and applause]…Yeah!…This is a whole different Georgia peach we’re talkin’ about!…You know what I mean, Skippy? I mean, this is Ron Perlman-type stuff, Ace! [laughs]…Now, see? You strike me as the kind of guy that, one big screw-up, next thing, we’re living over a candy store on Flatbush Avenue. Am I right? Am I right?

Colin: Okay, I was just, [Marla laughs] you know…

Marla: Ooh! [touches Colin’s suit] Now where’d you get this suit?

Colin: Oh, well, it belongs to the show, but they said they’d give it to me when the season ends.

Marla: [laughs, then mimicks Colin] Well they said they’d give it to me when the season ends! [laughs] Listen. Why don’t you call me, Ace, when you have a closet full of those bad boys in New York, Z├╝rich, and the Caymans. Capisce? [laughs]

Colin: Marla Maples, everybody!…I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

[Marla kisses Colin on the cheek]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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