Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 4
Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Thank you, I’m Colin Quinn! Here are tonight’s top stories.
After U.S. District Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson ruled yesterday that Microsoft is a monopoly, the Justice Department predicted there would be serious consequences for the software giant. Citing a phrase Windows users know all too well, Judge Jackson told Microsoft executives, “You performed an illegal operation and will shut down.” [some applause]…Ah, the poetic justice of it all.
Microsoft spokesmen were quick to refute the charge that they prevent smaller companies from entering the industry, saying, “As these last few months have shown, Microsoft can be greatly affected by a smaller company with less money: the United States Government.”
The case against Microsoft may have to be thrown out, however, after a dramatic turn this week, in which it was revealed that Bill Gates and Attorney General Janet Reno are, in fact, brother and sister!
During an interview Thursday, Republican presidential hopeful George W. Bush struggled to answer questions about international politics. After the interview, however, Bush said he was confident that if he did become president, no one would worry about his intelligence, thanks to an old Bush family secret [photo of Dan Quayle] weapon that makes you look smarter.
Bush suffered minor injuries on Monday while on a midday jog when he dove to avoid a truck trailer that flipped into his running path. When asked later how severely he was injured, Bush responded, “I’ll let you know in two weeks when I reveal my position on pain.” [little reaction]…As for the cause of the accident…political experts say that having your opponent almost get hit by a tractor-trailer is just one of the many benefits Al Gore will receive after his recent endorsement by the AFL-CIO.
Vice President Al Gore dressed up as Underdog for his annual Halloween party…at the Vice President’s residence last weekend. Unfortunately, Gore spent the entire party trying to distance himself from a guy wearing a Clinton mask. [modest reaction]…[sarcastically] That sure was funny.
In a television appearance this week, Donald Trump said that if elected president, he would appoint himself U.S. Trade Representative and then, quote, “our partners would have to negotiate across the table from Donald Trump.” Hey, isn’t this the same guy who got outsmarted by Merv Griffin?
Lunday’s Sunday Times— excuse me, did I just say “Lunday”? London’s Sunday Times is reporting that Walt Disney Studios is planning to spend 80 million dollars filming the story of the Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski. Disney producers say the film will delve in Kaczynski’s criminal psyche, and trace the manhunt that brought him to justice, as well as show in graphic detail how Mickey Mouse ended up with only four fingers.
Chrysler…Chrysler, I mean, announced Wednesday that it will be eliminating its Plymouth line of cars. Plymouth, of course, is the maker of the popular…[unable to think of anything] ohh, uhhh, ugh. Anyway, that’s happening, so that should be good.
First Lady Hillary Clinton returned a donation to her potential New York Senate campaign after discovering that the money might be linked to the Mob. Once again proving that Hillary Clinton has no idea what it takes to be a New Yorker….[points to his sheaf of papers] Took it off the bottom. [cheers and applause] Hey hey! Hey!…It killed!
After closing on her New York home — her new home in Chappequa, New York this week, Hillary Clinton said that while the house would certainly be her primary residence, she would have to ask her husband if it would be his primary residence as well. “Weekend Update” contacted the President for his response to this question, but, as of air time, he was still just laughing.
Bob Barker taped four shows of “The Price Is Right” last week, his first week back at work since surgery in September to repair an artery that was reportedly clogged with…a years supply of Turtle Wax!…I used to be an announcer on MTV, thats why I still got it. Still got it.
An action figure…modeled after the WWFs Al Snow, which depicts him carrying around a womans head, has been pulled from the shelves at Wal-Mart, because of a complaint lodged by a university professor that the toy trivializes violence against women. The reaction from Wal-Mart shoppers was unanimous: “Whats a university professor?” [mixed reaction]…Ah, what are you, from Oklahoma? They dont give a damn.
A federal lawsuit filed this week accuses a suburban Syracuse school district of violating a kindergarteners constitutional rights by censoring a drawing made because it contained a religious image. In a related story, another kindergartener was expelled for doing [mimes with his hands] “this is the church, this is the steeple.”…[expecting more reaction] Gotta give me more than that when I put the paper down, its…humiliating to be staying with the…
Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra were arrested Friday after a noisy fight at a Miami Beach hotel. Authorities would not confirm whether the couple had been handcuffed before or after police arrived. [applause]…Oh! Now were cooking!
In this weeks People magazine “Sexiest Man Alive” issue, Monica Lewinsky said that her choice for sexiest man alive is “Friends” star Matthew Perry. Because, quote, “he seems to have kindness in his eyes, warmth in his laughter, and mischief in his smile.” A humble Perry responded, “Come on. Please dont drag me into your living hell.”
Im Colin Quinn, thats my story and Im sticking to it.
[fade to black]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson