Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Regis Philbin…..Darrell Hammond
Carol…..Ana Gastayer
Paul the silent husband…..Horatio Sanz

[ The “Millionaire” title card appears and then fades to set where Regis is standing ]

Regis : Well, Carol Yatse from Oil City, Pennsylvania, you’ve won 32 thousand dollars so far and I bet you have plans for that money, right Carol?

Carol : Ya, we’re um, home owners and we’re hoping to add on a sunroom.

Regis : Well, the next question is worth 64 thousand dollars, you could buy the SUN if you wanted! Are you ready?

Carol : I sure am, Regis.

Regis : All right here we go… Who is the voice of “E.T., The Extraterrestrial”?, is it Richard Dreyfuss… Debra Winger… Frank Oz… or Micheal J. Fox!

[ Carol thinks for a few seconds ]

Regis : YOU NEED MORE TIME?

Carol : Yeah!

Regis : Okay take all the time you need.

Carol : … Can I have the question again please?

Regis : Hey absolutely. Who is the voice of “E.T”. is it – The Extraterrestrial – is it Richard Dreyfuss… Debra Winger… Frank Oz… or Micheal J… Fox!

[ Carol breaks down and start crying ]

Regis : ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

Carol : I don’t.. I don’t know…. Not really… I’m so sorry… I know this isn’t the place to do this…

Regis : Carol don’t worry about it people feel a lot of PRESSURE on this show.

Carol : It’s not, it’s really not the show so much you know what I mean. There is a lot of pressure on the show but, maybe it’s opening up a lot of other things…All this stuff I’ve been training in down.. for all this time… you know it.. I don’t know…

Regis : What do you want to do here Carol?

Carol : [still crying] I don’t – I don’t know what I want! I’m… I’m so embarrassed oh boy..

Regis : You wanna talk to someone?

Carol : No.. my.. my husband is out here in the audience

Regis : All right.. you wanna talk to him?

Carol : I do, I do but I can’t talk to him.. he’s SO shut down.. but it’s not just him.. I’M SHUT DOWN TOO! It’s like we feel each other you know Regis, and I love him so much – I love you so much Paul!

[ Camera switch to Paul, pointing his finger at himself and then at his wife meaning “I love you too!” ]

Carol : I love you.. oh my God!

Regis : What do you want to do Carol?

Carol : I don’t know.

Regis : Come on!

Carol : I’m usually so good at trivia and I should be having fun, but how could you have fun when, everyone expect me to keep it together all the time?

Regis : Carol this might be the right time to use one of your lifelines.

Carol : Maybe I should call my best friend Helen, she’ll know what to do.

Regis : All right our fr—

[ Carol blows her nose ]

Carol : …our friends at AT&T are gonna help us phone Helen and see if she could help.

Carol : Okay

[ phone rings and Helen comes on the line ]

Helen V/O: Yes?

Regis : Is this Helen?

Helen V/O: Yes it is.

Regis : This is Regis Philbin from ABC’s Who Wants to be a Millionnaire! We have Carol here who wants to talk to you…

Carol : Helen!

Helen V/O: Carol what is going on…?

Carol : [ still crying ] Helen this is so weird I can’t stop!

Helen V/O: Carol hold it together. You’re on a game show – have a wine or something, I can’t talk about this anymore I gotta go I’m sorry. [ Helen hangs off the phone ]

Carol : I’M GONNA CRACK IT UP!

Regis : Carol! [Regis claps his hands] Carol! CAROL! Look at me! Right here in my eyes! Regis PHILBIN right here! You’re just feeling “feeling scattered“! The biggest sin you’ve committed is being human! I know exactly what you’re doing, when the Joey Bishop show got cancelled I had PANIC attacks, then along came Live with Regis and Katie Lee and I had panic attacks about THAT being my legacy. Then along comes this show and I’m HIP again, I endorse fake batter count! Life is a roller coaster ride Carol, and it’s okay to feel scared on a roller coaster! And I give you permission to let it out!

Carol : I think I’m done.. I think I’m okay..

Regis : All right

Carol : Thank you Regis

Regis : Does that trivia queen wants to take another shot at the question?

Carol : Okay.. okay..

Regis : Let’s do it.

Carol : Okay…

Regis : Let’s do it – Who is the voice of “E.T”? – is it Richard Dreyfuss… Debra Winger… Frank Oz… or Micheal J… Fox!

Carol : The money really isn’t important is it Regis?

Regis : Let’s not get crazy Carol!

Carol : I’m… I’m just gonna say: “Richard Dreyfuss”

Regis : Is that your final answer?

Carol : Ya, it is…

Regis : I’m sorry Carol, that’s WRONG… it’s DEBRA WINGER and on a personal note you sure STUNK UP THE STABLE! We’ll be right back with more of Who Wants to be a Millionaire!

[ Fade out ]

Thanks to P-Y for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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