SNL Transcripts: Garth Brooks: 11/13/99: Boston Teens


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 5

99e: Garth Brooks

Boston Teens

Sully…..Jimmy Fallon
Denise…..Rachel Dratch
Assistant Manager…..Garth Brooks

Sully: Hey Tommy, is it rolling? Is the light flashing? Allright cool. Yo yo yo this is Pat Sullivan in Miss Nicholson’s fourth period audio/visual class. For my project I’m filming a trip to Burlington mall with my girl Denise.

Denise: I swear to god Sully, if you don’t get that Burger King breath out of my face, I’m gonna be wicked pissed off.

Sully: So what? If I was rich I’d eat a Whopper every day.

Denise: You’re retarded!

Sully: You are! [ kissing ]

Assistant Manager: Hey, kids, kids. I’m gonna have to ask you not to dry-hump by the food products.

Denise: Are you the manager?

Assistant Manager: You flatter me, I’m the assistant manager.

Denise: Oh, I want to know if you’re hiring any holiday help?

Assistant Manager: We sure are. You kids filming this?

Denise: He is, it’s a school project. He’s not a verbal person, but he is a very visual person.

Sully: I got a learning disorder cos my mom was a big huffer back in the day.

Assistant Manager: Well yes, we are looking for part-timers. Your name?

Denise: Denise McDenna, but everybody calls me Zazoo!

Assistant Manager: Alright Zazoo, you have any experience?

Denise: I worked at Foot Locker for two hours once.

Assistant Manager: Do you have any food product experience?

Sully: She’s got a lot of experience handling sausages.

Denise: Shut up! [ they make out some more ]

Assistant Manager: Okay, okay. We are looking for motivated young people to hand out samples to holiday shoppers.

Denise: Oh my god! I could totally do that!

Assistant Manager: Watch out, it’s tricky cos you have these round sausages and you cut them into little squares.

Denise: Allright allright, I know this one. You like, divide it by four, and then you like square the…

Sully: She should be in charge of cutting the cheese!

Denise: You are so stupid!

Sully: You are! [ more making out ]

Assistant Manager: Whoa, this video’s rated R. Come on, kids.

Denise: Is there any healthcare with this job? Cos there’s like a 40/60 chance I might be pregnant.

Sully: Yeah, if we have a kid I’m naming in Nomar. Mark my words!

Assistant Manager: There’s no health insurance. You get $4.80 an hour, and if you do a good job you get a free piece of nut log after Christmas.

Sully: Hey Tommy, did you get him saying “nut log”?

Denise: So when do I start?

Assistant Manager: Hold on. There’s a couple more questions. Now were you ever convicted of a felony?

Denise: Uh, is public urination a felony?

Assistant Manager: No.

Denise: What about taking your top off at a hockey game?

Assistant Manager: Haha, alright. You know what, umm… I’ll just call you in a few days.

Denise: Alright. Oh wait! You didn’t take my number.

Assistant Manager: No Denise, you’re right. I didn’t take your number. I don’t think you have the skills needed to hand out free bits of cheese.

Sully: Haha, denied! You got burnt.

Denise: Oh come on! I really need this job, cos I was gonna use this money to get Christmas nail tips – eight reindeer, and two baby Jesuses!

Assistant Manager: Sorry Zazoo, you’re just not Hickory Farms material.

Denise: Hey, why the F not?

Assistant Manager: Well, I’ll tell you why the F not.You come in here with no experience, drinking a family-size carton full of screwdrivers..

Denise: You said Vodka didn’t smell!

Sully: I don’t know!

Assistant Manager: I tell ya it’s just disrespectful. [ faces the camera, as Sully goes behind him and makes faces at him ] Here’s a tip for all you kids out there – We wanna hire ya, we really do. When you show up late with a ring through your eyebrow and a pot leaf drawn on the back of your uniform in magic marker, well you just make it darn near impossible. [ turns around and looks at Sully, who suddenly stops mocking him and looks the other way for a second ] And kids, just between us.. [ looks away, as Sully grabs a giant salami stick and waves it around like a sword ] ..I went through that tough-guy phase. I used to skip school, drink beer, set police cars on fire, but eventually – you gotta grow up. Stop enjoying your life and do your job, be serious. What am I saying? I’ll tell you what I’m saying. I’m saying get rid of that camera cos you’re blocking the kielbasas! [ puts his hand over the camera; Sully puts the salami down and walks in front of the camera ]

Sully: Alright, looks like Denise didn’t get that job.

Denise: That’s alright, I got Christmas presents for my entire family! [ she opens her jacket which has stuff hidden inside ]

Sully: You are wicked clever! Let’s go do it in the parking lot! [ she jumps on his back ]

Denise: Alright, but you are NOT taping it this time!

Sully: Come on!

Denise: Oh, and you gotta make sure you cut out the part where I said I was knocked up!

[ fade to black ]

Submitted by: Becca

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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