Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 5
Assistant Manager…..Garth Brooks
Sully: Hey Tommy, is it rolling? Is the light flashing? Allright cool. Yo yo yo this is Pat Sullivan in Miss Nicholson’s fourth period audio/visual class. For my project I’m filming a trip to Burlington mall with my girl Denise.
Denise: I swear to god Sully, if you don’t get that Burger King breath out of my face, I’m gonna be wicked pissed off.
Sully: So what? If I was rich I’d eat a Whopper every day.
Denise: You’re retarded!
Sully: You are! [ kissing ]
Assistant Manager: Hey, kids, kids. I’m gonna have to ask you not to dry-hump by the food products.
Denise: Are you the manager?
Assistant Manager: You flatter me, I’m the assistant manager.
Denise: Oh, I want to know if you’re hiring any holiday help?
Assistant Manager: We sure are. You kids filming this?
Denise: He is, it’s a school project. He’s not a verbal person, but he is a very visual person.
Sully: I got a learning disorder cos my mom was a big huffer back in the day.
Assistant Manager: Well yes, we are looking for part-timers. Your name?
Denise: Denise McDenna, but everybody calls me Zazoo!
Assistant Manager: Alright Zazoo, you have any experience?
Denise: I worked at Foot Locker for two hours once.
Assistant Manager: Do you have any food product experience?
Sully: She’s got a lot of experience handling sausages.
Denise: Shut up! [ they make out some more ]
Assistant Manager: Okay, okay. We are looking for motivated young people to hand out samples to holiday shoppers.
Denise: Oh my god! I could totally do that!
Assistant Manager: Watch out, it’s tricky cos you have these round sausages and you cut them into little squares.
Denise: Allright allright, I know this one. You like, divide it by four, and then you like square the…
Sully: She should be in charge of cutting the cheese!
Denise: You are so stupid!
Sully: You are! [ more making out ]
Assistant Manager: Whoa, this video’s rated R. Come on, kids.
Denise: Is there any healthcare with this job? Cos there’s like a 40/60 chance I might be pregnant.
Sully: Yeah, if we have a kid I’m naming in Nomar. Mark my words!
Assistant Manager: There’s no health insurance. You get $4.80 an hour, and if you do a good job you get a free piece of nut log after Christmas.
Sully: Hey Tommy, did you get him saying “nut log”?
Denise: So when do I start?
Assistant Manager: Hold on. There’s a couple more questions. Now were you ever convicted of a felony?
Denise: Uh, is public urination a felony?
Assistant Manager: No.
Denise: What about taking your top off at a hockey game?
Assistant Manager: Haha, alright. You know what, umm… I’ll just call you in a few days.
Denise: Alright. Oh wait! You didn’t take my number.
Assistant Manager: No Denise, you’re right. I didn’t take your number. I don’t think you have the skills needed to hand out free bits of cheese.
Sully: Haha, denied! You got burnt.
Denise: Oh come on! I really need this job, cos I was gonna use this money to get Christmas nail tips – eight reindeer, and two baby Jesuses!
Assistant Manager: Sorry Zazoo, you’re just not Hickory Farms material.
Denise: Hey, why the F not?
Assistant Manager: Well, I’ll tell you why the F not.You come in here with no experience, drinking a family-size carton full of screwdrivers..
Denise: You said Vodka didn’t smell!
Sully: I don’t know!
Assistant Manager: I tell ya it’s just disrespectful. [ faces the camera, as Sully goes behind him and makes faces at him ] Here’s a tip for all you kids out there – We wanna hire ya, we really do. When you show up late with a ring through your eyebrow and a pot leaf drawn on the back of your uniform in magic marker, well you just make it darn near impossible. [ turns around and looks at Sully, who suddenly stops mocking him and looks the other way for a second ] And kids, just between us.. [ looks away, as Sully grabs a giant salami stick and waves it around like a sword ] ..I went through that tough-guy phase. I used to skip school, drink beer, set police cars on fire, but eventually – you gotta grow up. Stop enjoying your life and do your job, be serious. What am I saying? I’ll tell you what I’m saying. I’m saying get rid of that camera cos you’re blocking the kielbasas! [ puts his hand over the camera; Sully puts the salami down and walks in front of the camera ]
Sully: Alright, looks like Denise didn’t get that job.
Denise: That’s alright, I got Christmas presents for my entire family! [ she opens her jacket which has stuff hidden inside ]
Sully: You are wicked clever! Let’s go do it in the parking lot! [ she jumps on his back ]
Denise: Alright, but you are NOT taping it this time!
Sully: Come on!
Denise: Oh, and you gotta make sure you cut out the part where I said I was knocked up![ fade to black ]
Submitted by: Becca