Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 5
The Devil Can’t Write A Love Song
[ Scene opens with Milo trying to write a song with his guitar ]
Milo: [ singing ] “Shes staring over, a bowl of dreams..” Oh, God, no.
[ Girlfriend walks in ]
Girlfriend: Why arent you at work?
Milo: Oh hey honey, come here and sit down, I wanna play you this song.
Girlfriend: Why arent you at work?!
Milo: I got fired.
Milo: I dont need that stupid job, this ones the one.
Girlfriend: Youre pathetic, Milo. You are a talent-less loser, and Im not supporting you anymore. Send me a note when you win a Grammy, jerk!
[ she leaves ]
Milo: Well, fine! Fine, leave! Youll see! Im gonna be big, youll see. Im gonna be a big loser. Ugh, man, Im never gonna go anywhere without a hit song. Dude, I would sell my SOUL for a hit song.
[ all of a sudden Lucifer appears ]
Lucifer: Arggh! [ with rock and roll music in the background ] I am Lucifer! And I have heard your request! And it shall be granted! Do you, Milo Jenkins, Truly wish to render your soul to me, in exchange for the success you crave?!? [music ends]
Milo: Yes sir I do. I mean, if I could have one hit song I know it would solve everything for me.
Lucifer: It shall be done! [ A flame comes over Milo, as he screams ] Now then forsaken soul, open thine ears, and sleek thy thirst on the music that could force kings to their knees!!
Lucifer: And oceans to boil! Behold, the song that will take you to the top of charts!!
[ Lucifer takes his guitar and starts playing, very out of tune ]
Lucifer: [ singing ]
“Theres a guy named Fred and hes got a pair of slacks.
Oooh Freds got slacks!
They fit down the sides and tight around the waist!
Ooh Freds got slacks..”
[ stops playing ]
Hold on a second. This thing is out of tune.
Milo: Man, I dont wanna miff you, but that sucked.
Lucifer: [ defensive ] I said the guitar, was out of TUNE!! It wasnt my FAULT!! “Freds Slacks” is a winner!! But fine! Here we go, Ill give you another Behold! This fiendish masterpiece, from the bowels of HELL!!!
[ begins to sing in a high pitched voice with the guitar still out of tune ]“Mondays!
Boy I hate Mondays!
They make me so steamed!
Talkin bout the Weekend!
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh , Oh, Oh..”
[ stops singing ]
Son of a bitch!! Is it humid in here or something, ’cause the guitar keeps getting out of tune!
Milo: Man, what kind of guitar is that?
Lucifer: Its a hell-spun mixture of the bones of fornicators!! And the sinew of thieves and gluttons!!! MWUHAHAHAHA! [ pauses ] ..Its uh, Its a Fender.
Milo: Oh! Well, Man, look, maybe we should just call this deal off, ’cause uh, it just seems to me that youre just not that good.
Lucifer: [ defensive ] OH REALLY? [ Thunder and lightening in the background ] Then where did this tasty lick come from?? [ plays an out of tune ditty on his guitar ] Uh-huh! Uh-huh! And on top of it, add this!
[ plays his guitar out of tune again and sings with a fake British Accent ]
“Zorgas borgas, I just got bit by the love bat, and its driving me MAD!!”
[ stops singing ]
Milo: What the hell was that?
Lucifer: Ok, just hold on. Im just gonna jump into one without thinking. No thinking! Im just gonna let it flow and let it flow now.
[ begins playing his out of tune guitar like a heavy metal group, while singing ]
“Fast car! On the highway!
On the byway! Mr. Robotron!”
[stops singing ]
Ok, thats not a good one, I gotta move on. I gotta move on, do you mind if I sit down?
Milo: No, no, please! Help yourself.
[ Lucifer sits ]
Lucifer: I cant be so critical, just get out of my head and go, just go!
[ starts playing his guitar like an out of tune version of “All Star” by Smash Mouth ]
“Hey you, youre a nice guy
Put your shoes on, hey you!”
[ stops playing ]
Milo: Ok, now hold on, thats a Smash Mouth song with different lyrics!
Lucifer: No its not! Its.. [ singing softly ] “Hey you, youre a..” [ stops singing ] Oh what the frick! Cut me a break! This is hard!
Milo: Oh, well hey man, thanks anyway. But if its ok with you, Ill just keep on pluggin and uh, truthfully, you kind of made me feel better about myself.
Lucifer- You know whats hard is the F chord. It hurts my fingers.
Milo: Yeah, thats a tough one, Mr. Devil. I tell you what.. [ yawns ] I tell you what else is toughstaying up this late, Im sure you gotta go! So um
Lucifer: Wait, Wait, Wait!! I think I got it, I think I got it, so here I go
[ doesnt use the guitar, but instead makes rapping sounds with his hands and does a rap ]
[ rapping ]
“Uh! Im the devil, and Im here to say,
Im the most evil rapper in the U.S.A.
All my homies and my bitches say Ohhhh”
Alright, Im leaving. Ive embarrassed myself. Im sorry about this.
Milo: No, no, thats ok. These things happen you know.
Lucifer: Im kind of tired, is it cool if I leave throught the front door?
Milo: Yeah, just make sure you jiggle the handle and make sure it locks on your way out.
Lucifer: Alright. Take her easy!
Milo: Yeah, you too!
Lucifer: [ singing ] “Take her easy Shes my lady and thats what I said..” [ stops singing ] Hey, that was good.
Milo: No. No.
Lucifer: Sorry. Im gone! [ he exits ]
Milo: Alright. Man, the devil cant write no love songs. Hey! [ picks up guitar and starts singing in tune ]
“Oh, the devil never could write a love song.
Didnt seem to matter how much he tried.
And ’cause the devil never got his heart broke
and the devil never cried.”
[ he keeps singing as the camera fades to black ]
Submitted by: Blake B.