Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 5
Express Flowers
Receptionist #1…..Paula Pell
Receptionist #2…..Jimmy Fallon
Receptionist #3…..Rachel Dratch
Heather…..Cherie Oteri
Donnie…..Garth Brooks
Katie…..Ana Gasteyer
[ Establishment shot : Skyscrapers]
[ Shot : Express Flowers action center ]
Receptionist #1 : And where would you like those flowers sent to?
Receptionist #2 : So thats a dozen roses to 143 Dustin Drive, ya?
Receptionist #3 : Would you like those in a vase or in a box?
Heather : Hello Express Flowers, this is Heather speaking, how may I help you today?
[ Split screen between Donnies house and action center ]
Donnie : Hum, yeah I wanna send like a dozen white roses to my girl.
Heather : Okay, and where would you like that deliver to?
Donnie : Hum, shes in Tallahassee, its in Florida, 887 Clearview road.
Heather : Okay. And what would you like the card to say?
Donnie : Have it say uh “To Gwen, Some flowers for the one I love Donnie“
Heather : Super. And what credit card-
Donnie : Hold on hold on, you know what? Scratch that! “To Gwen, I hope youve forgiven me Love, Donnie“
Heather : Okay. All right, great! Now what credit card-
Donnie : No, no, no, thats not it “To Gwen, I screwed up, you screwed up, now lets screw! – Horniest whishes, Donnie“
Heather : Thats what you want the card to say?
Donnie : Wait, wait, wait, stop! I got it all right? “Dear Gwen, jail changes a man, but I swear Ill never bite your face in anger again – love T-J“
Heather : T-J?
Donnie : Yeah dont worry about it
Heather : Fine, now for payment, would-
Donnie : Hold on, hold on, hold on.. “P.S. Gwen, when I caught you on fours whoa-“ lemme try that again all right? “P.S. Gwen!” I wanna get this right you know? “ when I caught you on all fours with that stuntman at Universal Studios, I just lost it!“
Heather : You know sir usually people just say that theyre sorry or/and, that theyre in love.
Donnie : Hey, hey, hey! why dont you write it in Doctor Frasier Crane!
Heather : Im sorry, please go ahead.
Donnie : All right, how about this? “Gwen, heres the bottom line, I got 800 buck in the bank, a well toughened penis and an NFL football phone, nuff said Love, The Genius“
Heather : Great.
Donnie : Is it really?
Heather : You said you didnt want my opinion.
Donnie : Oh, just tell me, is it great?
Heather : No its not.
Donnie : Damn, Im mad about this girl, all right here, we go, youre ready?
Heather : Okay.
Donnie : “Dear Joleen, I want ya–
Heather : You mean Gwen!
Donnie : Oh no, no! This is Gwens sister. Screw Gwen she smells like shrimps and wont do the weird stuff you know what I mean?
Heather : Okay, Joleen!
Donnie : Okay “Joleen, I send this note to you and flowers so Gwen wouldnt get suspicious. Now heres what I want you to do: get your step dads .38, force Gwen to give you her PIN number, then drive the Duster up here to Vancouver, so I can put my hands on your bathing suit area. Fondly, the Night Dog“
Heather : That wont fit on the card sir.
Donnie : Well jeez, I mean could you like fold up some paper or something?
Heather : You know what? Sure! Express Flowers aims to please.
Donnie : Mkay, I like the way you said that! You like eating uh, scrambled eggs and watching porn!
Heather : No sir, not at the same time.
Donnie : All right, this is not entire, here we go “Dearest Gwen, since you left me, Ive been tortured“
Heather : Hey, thats good.
Donnie : No, no! I mean it, literally, Ive been tortured by Renaldo, this guy who claims I whizzed in his kitchen, yeah he put dog food on my nuts and threaten hed stick his roddy on me, now “Sincerely The Fist of Love“
Heather : Okay, what credit card?
Donnie : Well, I uh, I dont think you guys accept it.
Heather : What is it?
Donnie : Its a Curt Schilling baseball card, you take it?
Heather : No! [ Heather hangs up the phone ]
Katie : [ enters the set, eating scrambled eggs ] Hey baby? The eggs is done you wanna watch some porn?
Donnie : Hey, you know it Katie! Thats my life baby!
[ Katie gets on the couch ]
[ Fade out ]
Submitted by: P-Y
