SNL Transcripts: Garth Brooks: 11/13/99: Express Flowers


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 5

99e: Garth Brooks

Express Flowers

Receptionist #1…..Paula Pell
Receptionist #2…..Jimmy Fallon
Receptionist #3…..Rachel Dratch
Heather…..Cherie Oteri
Donnie…..Garth Brooks
Katie…..Ana Gasteyer

[ Establishment shot : Skyscrapers] [ Shot : Express Flowers’ action center ]

Receptionist #1 : And where would you like those flowers sent to?

Receptionist #2 : So that’s a dozen roses to 143 Dustin Drive, ya?

Receptionist #3 : Would you like those in a vase or in a box?

Heather : Hello Express Flowers, this is Heather speaking, how may I help you today?

[ Split screen between Donnie’s house and action center ]

Donnie : Hum, yeah I wanna send like a dozen white roses to my girl.

Heather : Okay, and where would you like that deliver to?

Donnie : Hum, she’s in Tallahassee, it’s in Florida, 887 Clearview road.

Heather : Okay. And what would you like the card to say?

Donnie : Have it say uh “To Gwen, Some flowers for the one I love – Donnie

Heather : Super. And what credit card-

Donnie : Hold on hold on, you know what? Scratch that! “To Gwen, I hope you’ve forgiven me – Love, Donnie

Heather : Okay. All right, great! Now what credit card-

Donnie : No, no, no, that’s not it… “To Gwen, I screwed up, you screwed up, now let’s screw! – Horniest whishes, Donnie

Heather : That’s what you want the card to say?

Donnie : Wait, wait, wait, stop! I got it all right? “Dear Gwen, jail changes a man, but I swear I’ll never bite your face in anger again – love T-J

Heather : T-J?

Donnie : Yeah don’t worry about it…

Heather : Fine, now for payment, would-

Donnie : Hold on, hold on, hold on.. “P.S. Gwen, when I caught you on fours whoa-“… lemme try that again all right? “P.S. Gwen!” I wanna get this right you know? “…when I caught you on all fours with that stuntman at Universal Studios, I just lost it!

Heather : You know sir usually people just say that they’re sorry or/and, that they’re in love.

Donnie : Hey, hey, hey! why don’t you write it in Doctor Frasier Crane!

Heather : I’m sorry, please go ahead.

Donnie : All right, how about this? “Gwen, here’s the bottom line, I got 800 buck in the bank, a well toughened penis and an NFL football phone, ‘nuff said – Love, The Genius

Heather : Great.

Donnie : Is it really?

Heather : You said you didn’t want my opinion.

Donnie : Oh, just tell me, is it great?

Heather : …No it’s not.

Donnie : Damn, I’m mad about this girl, all right here, we go, you’re ready?

Heather : Okay.

Donnie : “Dear Joleen, I want ya

Heather : You mean Gwen!

Donnie : Oh no, no! This is Gwen’s sister. Screw Gwen she smells like shrimps and won’t do the weird stuff you know what I mean?

Heather : Okay, Joleen!

Donnie : Okay “Joleen, I send this note to you and flowers so Gwen wouldn’t get suspicious. Now here’s what I want you to do: get your step dad’s .38, force Gwen to give you her PIN number, then drive the Duster up here to Vancouver, so I can put my hands on your bathing suit area. – Fondly, the Night Dog

Heather : That won’t fit on the card sir.

Donnie : Well jeez, I mean could you like fold up some paper or something?

Heather : You know what? Sure! Express Flowers aims to please.

Donnie : M’kay, I like the way you said that! You like eating uh, scrambled eggs and watching porn!

Heather : …No sir, not at the same time.

Donnie : All right, this is not entire, here we go “Dearest Gwen, since you left me, I’ve been tortured

Heather : Hey, that’s good.

Donnie : No, no! I mean it, literally, I’ve been tortured by Renaldo, this guy who claims I whizzed in his kitchen, yeah he put dog food on my nuts and threaten he’d stick his roddy on me, now “Sincerely – The Fist of Love

Heather : Okay, what credit card?

Donnie : Well, I uh, I don’t think you guys accept it.

Heather : What is it?

Donnie : It’s a… Curt Schilling baseball card, you take it?

Heather : No! [ Heather hangs up the phone ]

Katie : [ enters the set, eating scrambled eggs ] Hey baby? The eggs is done you wanna watch some porn?

Donnie : Hey, you know it Katie! That’s my life baby!

[ Katie gets on the couch ]

[ Fade out ]

Submitted by: P-Y

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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