Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 5
Female Customer #1…..Molly Shannon
Female Customer #2…..Ana Gasteyer
Male Customer #1…..Tim Meadows
Male Customer #2…..Chris Kattan
[ Female Customer approaches Nadine at the Merchandise Return desk ]
Female Customer: Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
Nadine: How can I help you today?
Female Customer: I bought this Cappuccino machine and I think it’s broken so I’d like to return it.
Nadine: Simmah down nah.
Female Customer: Excuse me?
Nadine: Everybody wanna return something, so just simmah down nah!
Female Customer: I wasn’t even getting excited..
Nadine: Simmah down nah!
Female Customer: What are you talking about, this is ridiculous!
Nadine: Simmuuuuuuuh! Add it up; Simmah plus down, plus nah equals simmah down nah, now simmah down nah!
Female Customer: Oh my.. [ leaves in disgust ]
Nadine: Get to steppin’ nah, y’hear? Who’s up there? Who’s up?
[ Couple approach ]
Female Customer #2: Hi, I think we’re next, my boyfriend bought..
Male Customer #1: Yeah, we bought this shirt.
Nadine: Okay, everybody simmah down nah, one at a time!
Male Customer #1: Okay, well, I bought this shirt on sale, and…
Nadine: Give it here.
Male Customer #1: Okay..
Nadine: Give it here!
Male Customer #1: Okay, here it is.. [ he gives her the shirt ] One of the sleeves seems to be longer than the other.
Nadine: [ smells the shirt [ You wore it nah!
Male Customer #1: Well, I know, I had to try it on.
Nadine: Well, slow it down nah, simmah down..
Female Customer #2: Stop telling us to simmer down.
Nadine: Slow it down, nah!
Male Customer #1: Listen, we’re not going to slow it down now either.
Nadine: Quiet down nah?
Female Customer #2: No. Let us speak to the manager.
Nadine: [ into microphone ] Roy, come on up, I need the manager now, y’hear?
[ Roy enters ]
Roy: Hi, I’m Roy, is there some sort of problem?
Male Customer #1: Yes, thank God, a normal person. Listen, your salesperson here..
Male Customer #1: Okay, Nadine, okay, she’s not being very helpful. She’s very difficult.
Female Customer #2: Look, the shirt we purchased is defective and we want to return it, simple as that.
Roy: [ smells shirt ] Oh God.. You are aware, sir, this is not cloth toilet paper, aren’t you? I mean, this is not underwear. It is meant to be worn on the upper part of the body, not drug through the valleys of your buttocks.
Male Customer #1: What the hell are you talking about?
Female Customer #2: I will never shop here again!
Roy: Everybody simmah down nah!
Male Customer #1: Okay, I wasn’t upset before, but now I am furious!
Nadine: What happens when you cook greens at low heat?
Male Customer #1: You simmer them…
Nadine: Opposite of up?
Female Customer #2: Down.
Nadine: [ holds up “Now and Later,” covers “and Later” with arm ] Now read this.
Male Customer #1: Now.
Nadine: Simmah down nah!
Male Customer #1: We don’t need to simmer down now, we just need our money back.
Nadine: [ holding “Now and Later” ] Okay, not lah! Nah! Not lah! Nah! Simmah down NAH!
Roy: Hit me.
Nadine: Hit me.
Roy: Sim.. [ pause ] ..Muh.. [ pause ] ..Dahn.. [ pause ] ..Nah. Simmah down nah!
Female Customer #2: I cannot believe this store would hire you people!
Nadine: Quiet down nah! Quiiiiiiiiet down nah! Quiet down nah!
Male Customer #1: What disease do you people have?
Roy: [ holds up keys ] Key.. [ points to his armpit ] ..Pit.. [ holds up pillow ] ..Down.. [ holds up “ShaNaNa album, covers “ShaNa.” ] Na. Keep it down nah! Store policy.
Female Customer #2: You know, I cannot believe that you can’t handle a simple shirt return. What are you going to do for the holidays?
Nadine: Deck the halls nah?
Roy: Light menorah nah!
[ Couple leaves, as Male Customer #2 advances in line ]
Male Customer #2: I’d like to return this.
Nadine: Excuse me?
Male Customer #2: Take it back nah!
Roy: Don’t worry, I’m on it..
Submitted by: Jordan Davidson