SNL Transcripts: Garth Brooks: 11/13/99: Wilson’s


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 5

99e: Garth Brooks


Female Customer #1…..Molly Shannon
Nadine…..Cheri Oteri
Female Customer #2…..Ana Gasteyer
Male Customer #1…..Tim Meadows
Roy…..Garth Brooks
Male Customer #2…..Chris Kattan

[ Female Customer approaches Nadine at the Merchandise Return desk ] Female Customer: Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Nadine: How can I help you today?

Female Customer: I bought this Cappuccino machine and I think it’s broken so I’d like to return it.

Nadine: Simmah down nah.

Female Customer: Excuse me?

Nadine: Everybody wanna return something, so just simmah down nah!

Female Customer: I wasn’t even getting excited..

Nadine: Simmah down nah!

Female Customer: What are you talking about, this is ridiculous!

Nadine: Simmuuuuuuuh! Add it up; Simmah plus down, plus nah equals simmah down nah, now simmah down nah!

Female Customer: Oh my.. [ leaves in disgust ]

Nadine: Get to steppin’ nah, y’hear? Who’s up there? Who’s up?

[ Couple approach ]

Female Customer #2: Hi, I think we’re next, my boyfriend bought..

Male Customer #1: Yeah, we bought this shirt.

Nadine: Okay, everybody simmah down nah, one at a time!

Male Customer #1: Okay, well, I bought this shirt on sale, and…

Nadine: Give it here.

Male Customer #1: Okay..

Nadine: Give it here!

Male Customer #1: Okay, here it is.. [ he gives her the shirt ] One of the sleeves seems to be longer than the other.

Nadine: [ smells the shirt [ You wore it nah!

Male Customer #1: Well, I know, I had to try it on.

Nadine: Well, slow it down nah, simmah down..

Female Customer #2: Stop telling us to simmer down.

Nadine: Slow it down, nah!

Male Customer #1: Listen, we’re not going to slow it down now either.

Nadine: Quiet down nah?

Female Customer #2: No. Let us speak to the manager.

Nadine: [ into microphone ] Roy, come on up, I need the manager now, y’hear?

[ Roy enters ]

Roy: Hi, I’m Roy, is there some sort of problem?

Male Customer #1: Yes, thank God, a normal person. Listen, your salesperson here..

Nadine: Nadine!

Male Customer #1: Okay, Nadine, okay, she’s not being very helpful. She’s very difficult.

Female Customer #2: Look, the shirt we purchased is defective and we want to return it, simple as that.

Roy: [ smells shirt ] Oh God.. You are aware, sir, this is not cloth toilet paper, aren’t you? I mean, this is not underwear. It is meant to be worn on the upper part of the body, not drug through the valleys of your buttocks.

Male Customer #1: What the hell are you talking about?

Female Customer #2: I will never shop here again!

Roy: Everybody simmah down nah!

Male Customer #1: Okay, I wasn’t upset before, but now I am furious!

Nadine: What happens when you cook greens at low heat?

Male Customer #1: You simmer them…

Nadine: Opposite of up?

Female Customer #2: Down.

Nadine: [ holds up “Now and Later,” covers “and Later” with arm ] Now read this.

Male Customer #1: Now.

Nadine: Simmah down nah!

Male Customer #1: We don’t need to simmer down now, we just need our money back.

Nadine: [ holding “Now and Later” ] Okay, not lah! Nah! Not lah! Nah! Simmah down NAH!

Roy: Hit me.

Nadine: Hit me.

Roy: Sim.. [ pause ] ..Muh.. [ pause ] ..Dahn.. [ pause ] ..Nah. Simmah down nah!

Female Customer #2: I cannot believe this store would hire you people!

Nadine: Quiet down nah! Quiiiiiiiiet down nah! Quiet down nah!

Male Customer #1: What disease do you people have?

Roy: [ holds up keys ] Key.. [ points to his armpit ] ..Pit.. [ holds up pillow ] ..Down.. [ holds up “ShaNaNa album, covers “ShaNa.” ] Na. Keep it down nah! Store policy.

Female Customer #2: You know, I cannot believe that you can’t handle a simple shirt return. What are you going to do for the holidays?

Nadine: Deck the halls nah?

Roy: Light menorah nah!

[ Couple leaves, as Male Customer #2 advances in line ]

Male Customer #2: I’d like to return this.

Nadine: Excuse me?

Male Customer #2: Take it back nah!

Nadine: Roy?

Roy: Don’t worry, I’m on it..

Submitted by: Jordan Davidson

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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