Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 5
Smurf #1…..Will Ferrell
Papa Smurf/Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Grouchy Smurf/Al Pacino…..Chris Kattan
Hefty Smurf/Garth Brooks…..Garth Brooks
Little Richard/Smurf…..Tracy Morgan
Smurfette/Helan Bodham Carter…..Cheri Oteri
Celine Dion…..Ana Gasteyer
Announcer: This Fall, on NBC, prepare yourself for a historic miniseries event![Clips from other NBC miniseries are shown]
Announcer: With the magic of Merlin, the majesty of Noah’s Ark, and the wonder of Leprachans..[Words appear on screen as he says them.]
Announcer: All in one epic story of Love, Betrayal, Mystery and War![Cut to forest clearing filled with Smurfs. One smurf leaps up, sword in hand]
Smurf #1: Fellow Smurfs! Today we fight the battle of our lives. If we go down [He draws his sword] we go down SMURFING![Smurfs cheer. Cut to THE SMURFS written in an impressive and Dramatic font.]
Announcer: THE SMURFS. A story as timeless as the Bible and as old as the A-Team.[Cut to Sean Connery costumed as Papa Smurf]
Announcer: Starring Sean Connery as Papa Smurf.[Cut to Smurfs gather around Papa Smurf around a fire.]
Papa Smurf/Connery: If we smurf, let the bastards be smurfs WHO SMURF US!
Smurfs: Yeah![Cut to Grouchy Smurf, played by Al Pachino]
Announcer: Al Pacino as Grouchy Smurf.
Grouchy Smurf/Pacino: Let me tell you somethin?! I?m just getting? smurfed up! Hoo-smurf-ha!
Announcer: And an all star cast featuring Garth Brooks..[Cut to Garth Brooks as Hefty Smurf, who wears Roman armour, bending over the prone form of a smurf.]
Hefty/Garth Brooks: Don’t Smurf on me, man! Do not smurf on me![Reveal that the smurf he is leaning over is played by Meatloaf]
Meatloaf/Smurf: There’s.. somethin’.. I gotta tell ya.
Hefty/Garth Brooks: What, What is it, my fri-
Meatloaf/Smurf: S..S..Smurf. [He dies.]
Announcer: And Little Richard.[Cut to Little Richard.]
Little Richard/Smurf: Gather ’round, all you Smurfs! Because not everybody’s getting Smurfy! [Sings] A wap babaloobap a wapbamboo! [He starts singing Tutti Frutti while the smurfs dance around his piano.]
Announcer: It’s a story of war, Magic, and Love![Cut to Helena Bodham Carter as Smurfette, flipping her hair in slow-motion.] With Helena Bodham Carter as the woman who tore their world apart.[Cut to Smurfette/Helena Bodham Carter and Hefty/Garth Brooks standing on a bridge together]
Hefty Smurf/Brooks: Oh, Smurfette, I hand to see you. I’m..I’m half out of my Smurf!
Smurfette/Bonham Carter: Oh Hefty, you big, manly Smurf! I want you to smurf me! Smurf me right now! I want you to Smurf all over my smurfs!
Hefty/Brooks: Oh, I want to smurf you every which-way! I’m gonna smurf you in your smurfing smurf![They kiss and embrace. Cut to Celine Dion singing an over dramatic version of the Smurf theme song. Superimposed over a forest scene.]
Announcer: And a stirring soundtrack by Academy Award winner Celine Dion!
Celine Dion: La la la la la la, la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la la la la Smurf!
Announcer: An epic so grand, an event so memorable, it could only be called.. THE SMURFS.[Disclaimer and sotto-voiced annoucment appear:]
Announcer: Due to pending legal action, Smurfs may be called Blurfs.
Submitted by: Ted Zoldan