SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Aniston: 11/20/99: Jennifer Aniston’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 6

99f: Jennifer Aniston / Sting

Jennifer Aniston’s Monologue

…..Jennifer Aniston
Woman in Audience…..Tina Fey
…..Molly Shannon
…..Ana Gasteyer
…..Cheri Oteri
…..Rachel Dratch

Jennifer Aniston: Thank you! I am so thrilled to be finally hosting”Saturday Night Live”.. and I say “finally”, because I’m the fifthcast member, I think it is, to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”. And I askedthe other four if they had any advice, and they said, “Just relax, havefun, and stay away from that Chris Kattan!”

[ Guy in Audience interrupts ]

Guy in Audience: Jennifer? I’m a big fan of the show “Friends”, and I was wondering, in reallife, are you all really friends?

Jennifer Aniston: Um.. what an original question.. you remind me ofthe fifty other people who ask me that every day! [ spots Womanin Audience with a question] Uh, yeah?

Woman in Audience: Hi! Is your boyfriend Brad Pitt gonna be heretonight?

Jennifer Aniston: No. No, Brad is not here – he’s actually in Londonpromoting his new movie “Fight Club”. Hey, you know what, by the way?That restraining order is still in effect, Misty. And you know what?Nothing personal here, but I don’t really feel like doing this question-and-answerthing any more, so.. uh.. [ retreats backstage ]

Molly Shannon: Hey.

Jennifer Aniston: Hey, Molly.

Molly Shannon: Are you okay, Jennifer?

Jennifer Aniston: Yeah.

Molly Shannon: It seems like you just sort of bailed there on themonologue.

Jennifer Aniston: Oh.. well, it’s just that I get so tired ofanswering those questions, you know?

Molly Shannon: Yeah, I know. Well, is there anything I can help youwith?

Jennifer Aniston: Well, you know what, actually there is. I wantyou to hit me as hard as you can.

Molly Shannon: Excuse me?

Jennifer Aniston: If you want me to have a good show, I want you tohit me as hard as I can.

Molly Shannon: Well, gosh, Jennifer.. I don’t know.. uh.. [ punchesJennifer’s breast ]

Jennifer Aniston: Hey! Ow! That was my boob! [ pinchesMolly’s breasts ]

Molly Shannon: Hey, you! You told me to hit you! Are you okay?

Jennifer Aniston: Well, yeah, actually.. for the first time, I don’tthink I’ve ever felt so alive! [ punches Molly’s face ]

Molly Shannon: [ angry ] I am gonna kick your ass, pretty lady![ shoves Jennifer ] You want some more of that, “Rachel”?
[ Jennifer punches back, but Molly returns the attack with a blow to thehead with a stage light. Jennifer grabs Molly by the hiar and rams her headinto the cast lockers. Ana Gasteyer and Cheri Oteri run in to stop the fight. ]

Ana Gasteyer: Stop it, you guys! What the hell is going on here?

Molly Shannon: No, it’s okay. Jennifer just asked me to..

Jennifer Aniston: No, no, no, no! First rule of “Fight Club”: “Donot talk about ‘Fight Club’!” Or wait a minute.. is it “talkabout it”? I don’t know.. I haven’t seen it. Isn’t that awful?

Ana Gasteyer: Wait a minute. How do we join “Fight Club”?

Cheri Oteri: Yeah! I want a piece of that!

Jennifer Aniston: Well, it’s actually very simple. You and I justbeat the hell out of each other!

Cheri Oteri: Okay! [ throws a punch at Ana ] You oughtta calmdown, Olive Oyl!

Ana Gasteyer: Oh, yeah? Bring it on, Munchkin! [ swats at Cheriwith a paint can ] Hey, this is fun, I like this!

[ Cheri grabs Ana by the hair and pounds her head into a table, then pullsout a lock of her hair ]

Jennifer Aniston: [ elated ] Ooh, Martha Stewart got her ass kicked!

Molly Shannon: I like “Fight Club”! [ does her Mary Katherine GallagherSuperstar jump ] [ Jennifer shoves Molly to the ground, as Ana and Cheri continue to scuffle ]

Rachel Dratch: [ interceding ] Hey, what do you guys think you’re doing?!

Cheri Oteri: [ laughs ] What’s it to ya, new meat, huh? [ punches Rachel ]

Rachel Dratch: I’m gonna tell Lorne!

Jennifer Aniston: Whoa-oa! Second rule of “Fight Club”: “Don’t tellLorne about ‘Fight Club’.”

Rachel Dratch: [ interested ] “Fight Club”? What’s that?

Cheri Oteri: [ laughing deviously ] Hey, Rachel, look at this..[smacks Rachel in the jaw ] “Fight Club”!

[ Molly cracks a chair over Rachel’s back ]

Ana Gasteyer: Hey, “Featured Player”! [ cracks a ladder over Rachel’shead ]

Rachel Dratch: [ reeling in the excitement ] This is FREAKIN’ awesome!

Jennifer Aniston: She’s mine now! [ breaks a plywood boardacross Rachel’s back, then drags her by the hair toward Home Base ] Alright.Any more questions? I didn’t think so. We got a great show, Sting is here..and, if you want, we will kick his tantric ass, too! Stick around,we’ll be right back.

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