Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 6

99f: Jennifer Aniston / Sting

Nick Burns: Your Company Computer Guy

Female Employee.....Jennifer Aniston
Male Employee #1.....Horatio Sanz
Male Employee #2.....Chris Kattan
Nick Burns.....Jimmy Fallon

Female Employee: Oh, damn it! It crashed again. Hey, did somebody call Nick Burns the computer guy?

Male Employee #1: I called him about half hour ago. He told me to hold my horses.

Male Employee #2: I don't like that guy.

Female Employee: Well you know what, I don't like this new program. It's crap. I don't know why we switched.

Nick Burns: Because the new program is written for OS8 and can function twice as fast. Is that enough reason, Nancy Drew?

Theme Song: "Nick Burns, the computer guy. He'll fix your computer, then he's going to make fun of you. Cause he's Nick Burns, your company computer guy."

Nick Burns: Okay, all right, all right, what's wrong with the computers?

[ everyone talks at once, making it hard for Nick to understand ]

Nick Burns: Overload, overload, my processor can only hold one command at a time here.

Male Employee #2 I have a question Nick, I'm trying to do this quarterly, I just, I can't get the stupid e-mail package to open at all.

Nick Burns: It's the e-mail that's stupid, not you right? What does it say when you try to open it?

Male Employee #2 It can't find the appropriate program to open the file.

Nick Burns: This is 6.0 version, you didn't upgrade yet, did you genius? Just use the translation file for it?

Male Employee #2 Where's that?

Nick Burns: Move! ... [ sits down ] Done. Was that so hard? Boy I'm so glad I came down here, it's really worth my trip. Whose next?

Male Employee #1 Hey Nick, how's it going?

Nick Burns: Oh great, really great. I love teaching people remedial computers here. You guys should be wearing helmets or something?

Male Employee #1 I'm having trouble with my printer, all my stuff keeps going on that printer in marketing.

Nick Burns: Oh, is the walk killing you here buddy (pats Sanz's belly)? Just get better shoes, that's all.

Male Employee #1 It would be easier if it were here. I had my print monitor up here.

Nick Burns: Tried to use the print monitor huh? That didn't work did it? Print monitor, no.

Male Employee #1 No it didn't.

Nick Burns: That's cause the print monitor, monitors the document you're printing. It doesn't tell what printer the direction it's going to go to.

Nick Burns: Just scroll your chooser.

Male Employee #1 That thing you pull down?

Nick Burns: The thing you pull down? You mean Apple file? Do that.

Male Employee #1 I didn't know what it was called.

Nick Burns: Obviously. You go to your chooser, go to the printer, pick your zone, and pick your printer.

Male Employee #1 Hold on, I'm on the chooser. Okay. Is this the zone here?

Nick Burns: Move! [ sits down ] ... See where it says "4" and "FL". That's fourth floor. That's where we are, we're on the fourth floor. That's it. You pick that one. Is that so hard? Geeze Louise, I can't wait to get my NTSC and quit this job. [ steps over to the Female Employee's computer ] What's your problem?

Female Employee: Well, it just crashes every time my screen saver comes up.

Nick Burns: Alright, let's run a test, just type in: XY.VIOLATOR/467 F47

Female Employee: Type in?

Nick Burns: Move! ... [ sits down ] Okay, here. Do you want me to save your game of Minesweeper here?

Female Employee: Nope, you don't have to, you don't have to.

Nick Burns: Okay, thanks. Instead of playing a game, God forbid we read the manual. Have you people ever seen computers before? What I do here is press the letters and it manipulates the screen here and we have fun with it.

Female Employee: Yeah, I know about computers, okay. I'm on the Internet at home.

Nick Burns: Let me guess, you're on AOL?

Female Employee: Yeah. What's wrong with that?

Nick Burns: Nothing, except it doesn't understand Java scripts. [ laughs ] ... God I wish someone were here who knew about computers, 'cause that would have gotten a laugh. [ fiddles with her computer ] Damn it crashed, what is this? Move!

Female Employee: You're already sitting there.

Nick Burns: Yeah, shut up. [ computer sounds ] What the hell is wrong with this thing?

Female Employee: Hey look everybody, the great computer guy doesn't know what's wrong.

Nick Burns: I'll figure it out. Just trust me. I'll do it, right here.

Female Employee: What's the matter there wizard? You're new program not working?

Nick Burns: It's not the program. It's not the program. Don't say it.

Female Employee: Oh no it's not? You're sure? You're sure?

Nick Burns: I just have to check the recent applications. Did you install a Dilbert screen saver?

Female Employee: Yeah, I love Dilbert.

Nick Burns: Well you already had flying toasters on there. There's a conflict. That's whats causing your computer to crash. Not our software. Damn, I'm good.

Female Employee: I didn't know you couldn't have two screen savers.

Nick Burns: Obviously. That's why our systems are corrupted here. Problem solved. [ his pager beeps ] It's those goofs over in Organizational Development. They make you guys look like braniacs over there. I'm outta here. Oh, by the way, you're welcome!

Theme Song: "Cause he's Nick Burns, your company computer guy."

[ fade ]

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