Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 6
Dad: Tell us, Son: what did you think of the movie?
Doogie: [ bummed ] It was stupid!
Mom: Stupid? Well, what about your buddy Jaimie? What did he think of the movie?
Doogie: He liked it.
Dad: Yeah? I bet Jaimie was jealous when he saw your holographic Charizard, huh?
Doogie: Yeah, he traded me for it.
Dad: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.. You traded your holographic Charizard?
Mom: [ appalled ] But Charizard is the coolest Pokemon. And you traded it? For what? What, are you stupid? What did you get in return?
Doogie: These. [ holds up cards ]
Mom: [ grabbing the cards ] What are these? Let me see.. [ looks at card ] A Metapod. Great! Terrific! You know what its power is – it hardens. That’s really gonna help you in the battle to become a Pokemon master. [ tosses card, looks at next one ] Oh, and Magnamite – great! What a coup! [ tosses card ]
Dad: [ sarcastically ] I wonder how you ever talked Jaimie into giving up a Magnamite in exchange for a Charizard?
Mom: [ looking at next card ] Hey, and look here, honey – another Metapod! You can never have enough Metapods, can you, Doogie? [ tosses card, looks at next one ] Oh, well, at least you got a Diglett! He can’t change forms, his power is digging. Son, you are just a dumbass!
Dad: Son, she’s right. You’re a buffoon.
Mom: You know what? I’m gonna call Jaimie’s mother and get those cards back for you.
Doogie: I don’t care! I don’t even like Pokemon!
[ his parents gasp ]
Mom: Oh, that’s great. So you’re just gonna be the weird kid in school, is that it? Well, let me tell you something – it’s not fun being the outcast, okay? I didn’t like REO Speedwagon in school, and people thought I was strange. Luckily, I had a nice rack, so I was able to overcome it! What are you gonna do?
Dad: Son, you’re not good-looking like your mother. How do you expect to make friends?
Mom: I did not spend fourteen hours in labor so I could give birth to the stupid kid in school!
Dad: Honey, you’re absolutely right. He’s gonna be the creepy kid. He’s going to be the one everyone hates.
Mom: I can see it now – you’ll be 35, living in a trailer, smacking your Common Law wife; she’ll call the cops, they’ll show up, and find you in your meth lab. Is that what you want?
Mom: Well, you’d better get it together, Mister!
Dad: Son, your mother and I are just so disappointed in how you turned out. I think you’d better go to your room and think about being a normal kid. Okay?[ Doogie goes to his room ]
Mom: And I’m gonna come in there and check on you! You’d better be reading that Harry Potter book!
Dad: [ sighing ] I’m not sure about this kid, Honey. I just wish we could trade him in.
Mom: Oh, wouldn’t that be cool? You know, we could get one of those Asian kids. I mean, they’ve got great powers, they’re quick learners, and they assimilate well.
Dad: Yeah, if only life was like Pokemon.
Mom: Yeah, if only..[ fade to black ]