SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Aniston: 11/20/99: Roberta’s Thanksgiving


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 6

99f: Jennifer Aniston / Sting

Roberta’s Thanksgiving

Father…..Chris Parnell
Roberta…..Cheri Oteri
Mother…..Ana Gasteyer
Sarah…..Jennifer Aniston
Grandpa…..Darrell Hammond

Father: My, honey, you’ve really outdone yourself this year! Well, I just want to begin by saying that I am very thankful to be spending this day with my wonderful family.

Roberta: And me.

Father: Yes, and Roberta too.

Mother: Oh, we’re so happy to have you, Roberta. You can take your coat off, if you like.

Roberta: It’s from the Burlington Coat Factory.

Sarah: So Roberta, how do you know Dad?

Roberta: I work in accounts payable at your father’s firm. I’m in charge of all the company’s debts.

Father: Yes. Roberta overheard me talking about our little family gathering and said she didn’t have any place to go. Several times actually.

Roberta: I usually spend Thanksgiving with my father and my aunt, but they went and booked themselves on a carnival cruise. It’s a large boat designed for those who like nonstop activities including shuffleboard and skeet. But I exempted myself from the aquatic fun because the Carnival Cruise Corporation doesn’t allow pets aboard its vessels.

Mother: Oh, you have pets?

Sarah: Mom, mom, don’t.

Roberta: I have… I have 8 cats. There’s Langly, Dominic, Hi Ho, Nut Nut, Montell, Jesus–

Sarah: Uh, Daddy, could you um pass the turkey please?

Roberta: Othello, and the most finicky: Gilligan. He’ll only eat Fancy Feast.. It’s funny, ’cause he’ll only eat Fancy Feast—

Sarah: Well this fancy feast is–

Roberta: From the commercial!

Sarah: Well this fancy feast is getting cold. So you know what, I’m just gonna go ahead and grab myself a little drumstick here..

Roberta: Would it be inappropriate for me to incorporate a blessing?

Sarah: Dad, did you not already say one?

Father: Yes I did.

Roberta: Dear Jesus–

Sarah: We’re Jewish.

Roberta: — savior of the world. I’d like to thank thee for my new Hebrew friends and the top-notch chow we are about to consume. I’d also like to thank thee in advance for the 7 bags of leftovers I’ll be able to take home to my cats.

Father: Okay, let’s eat.

Roberta: Langly, Dominic, Hi Ho, Nut Nut, Montell, Jesus.. (looks up) Not you. Othello, and Jesus, you know Gilligan. He’ll only eat–

Sarah: Fancy Feast! Amen!

Roberta: Amen.

Father: Alright. Uh, Grandpa, if you could pass those sweet potatoes, I’d be most grateful.

Grandpa: Holy hell, I wish I was DEAD!

Father: Yeah, just pass the potatoes.

Mother: Sarah, it’s such a shame that Richard couldn’t join us tonight.

Sarah: Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that he invited me to join him next week in Paris.

Mother: Oh, that’s so exciting! Our Sarah jetting off to Paris!

Roberta: Have ya ever been to Scranton?

Sarah: Nope.

Roberta: Don’t count it out. The beauty of the skyline alone made me do a double take. (demonstrates) I stayed, I stayed at the airport Ramada.

Sarah: (sarcastic) Oooh, Ramada.

Roberta: It’s funny, because they hadn’t washed the sheets.

Sarah: I’m sory, how was that funny?

Roberta: You didn’t let me complete the tale. Apparently the previous guest shot himself in the head.

Grandpa: I need a frickin’ drink!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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