Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 6
Roberta’s Thanksgiving
Father…..Chris Parnell
Roberta…..Cheri Oteri
Mother…..Ana Gasteyer
Sarah…..Jennifer Aniston
Grandpa…..Darrell Hammond
Father: My, honey, you’ve really outdone yourself this year! Well, I just want to begin by saying that I am very thankful to be spending this day with my wonderful family.
Roberta: And me.
Father: Yes, and Roberta too.
Mother: Oh, we’re so happy to have you, Roberta. You can take your coat off, if you like.
Roberta: It’s from the Burlington Coat Factory.
Sarah: So Roberta, how do you know Dad?
Roberta: I work in accounts payable at your father’s firm. I’m in charge of all the company’s debts.
Father: Yes. Roberta overheard me talking about our little family gathering and said she didn’t have any place to go. Several times actually.
Roberta: I usually spend Thanksgiving with my father and my aunt, but they went and booked themselves on a carnival cruise. It’s a large boat designed for those who like nonstop activities including shuffleboard and skeet. But I exempted myself from the aquatic fun because the Carnival Cruise Corporation doesn’t allow pets aboard its vessels.
Mother: Oh, you have pets?
Sarah: Mom, mom, don’t.
Roberta: I have… I have 8 cats. There’s Langly, Dominic, Hi Ho, Nut Nut, Montell, Jesus–
Sarah: Uh, Daddy, could you um pass the turkey please?
Roberta: Othello, and the most finicky: Gilligan. He’ll only eat Fancy Feast.. It’s funny, ’cause he’ll only eat Fancy Feast—
Sarah: Well this fancy feast is–
Roberta: From the commercial!
Sarah: Well this fancy feast is getting cold. So you know what, I’m just gonna go ahead and grab myself a little drumstick here..
Roberta: Would it be inappropriate for me to incorporate a blessing?
Sarah: Dad, did you not already say one?
Father: Yes I did.
Roberta: Dear Jesus–
Sarah: We’re Jewish.
Roberta: — savior of the world. I’d like to thank thee for my new Hebrew friends and the top-notch chow we are about to consume. I’d also like to thank thee in advance for the 7 bags of leftovers I’ll be able to take home to my cats.
Father: Okay, let’s eat.
Roberta: Langly, Dominic, Hi Ho, Nut Nut, Montell, Jesus.. (looks up) Not you. Othello, and Jesus, you know Gilligan. He’ll only eat–
Sarah: Fancy Feast! Amen!
Roberta: Amen.
Father: Alright. Uh, Grandpa, if you could pass those sweet potatoes, I’d be most grateful.
Grandpa: Holy hell, I wish I was DEAD!
Father: Yeah, just pass the potatoes.
Mother: Sarah, it’s such a shame that Richard couldn’t join us tonight.
Sarah: Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that he invited me to join him next week in Paris.
Mother: Oh, that’s so exciting! Our Sarah jetting off to Paris!
Roberta: Have ya ever been to Scranton?
Sarah: Nope.
Roberta: Don’t count it out. The beauty of the skyline alone made me do a double take. (demonstrates) I stayed, I stayed at the airport Ramada.
Sarah: (sarcastic) Oooh, Ramada.
Roberta: It’s funny, because they hadn’t washed the sheets.
Sarah: I’m sory, how was that funny?
Roberta: You didn’t let me complete the tale. Apparently the previous guest shot himself in the head.
Grandpa: I need a frickin’ drink!
[ fade ]