Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 7
A Message From the President of the United States
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
President Bill Clinton: Good evening, America. I’d like to speak toyou tonight, because this week the Bill Clinton presidency suffered a crisisin leadership. It’s been a bad week. First, this Chechnya thing’s gettingme down. People keep asking me questions, like “What am I gonna do?” Idon’t know! I mean, I don’t have a position. And then I looked everywherefor that new Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue – you know, the one with thenaked lady? I couldn’t find it. And then, there was that thing up inSeattle – that sucked! I mean, on the one hand I support free tradeand globalization; but on the other hand, I like pot-smoking hippies whomarch in the street. I do! I always have! And, once again, I don’tknow what my position is.. and then I thought about it, and then I rememberedmy position – I.. don’t.. have one!
I thought, maybe, you know, I’m not fit to run this country. Maybe I’m a badpresident. Maybe there are better people for the job. But then I sawsomething that made me feel a whole lot better about myself. Did any of youhappen to see the Republican debate, up there in New Hampshire? [ laughs ]Probably not. But I did! And it was a doozy! Man, the sparks flew! Checkthese guys out.. [ file video of the six Republican candidates is shown ] Ihaven’t seen six men in dark suits look like that since.. “Reservoir Dogs”!The Republican Party is back! Boy, yeah, ooh, I’m gonna vote for ’emall! [ laughs ] Now, I am kidding here, but these guys were great.Now, you all know how I feel about Al Gore. He’s as dull as sober missionarysex with someone you know. [ disgusted ] But, after watching that debate,I do believe that in a Presidential Race, a dead mule could beat their topmule. But since we don’t have a dead mule, we’ll have to go with Al Gore.Let’s take a closer look, for those you who may have missed the debate.
[ file video of John McCain ] First up: Senator John McCain, a war hero.The man spent five years in a Vietnamese prisoner-of-war camp. The Viet Conghad him for five years! Come on, people, didn’t you see “TheManucharian Candidate”? Well.. me neither.. but, remember “Naked Gun”, whenReggis Jackson was brainwashed to kill the Queen? Well, what if he wasbrainwashed to kill the President, and he is the President! Thinkabout that the next time you’re high.
[ file video of Orrin Hatch ] Well now, here’s Orrin Hatch. He’s a fine,upstanding man, he’s been in politics for a long time. But he hasone big problem: his name is “Orrin Hatch”. “President Orrin Hatch“?I mean, it sounds weird. You can’t be president with a name like”Orrin Hatch”!
[ file video of Steve Forbes ] What about Steve Forbes? Look at this man..If this man sat next to you on a plane, you’d pretend you were sleeping.[ laughs ] He looks crazy! Someone should ask him about marijuana.I mean, he looks like someone at a 7-11 after a midnight showing of “Fritzthe Cat”. You ever see that, staring at the Dolly Madison cakes for tenminutes? [ laughs ]
[ file photo of Gary Bauer ] Now, this was the most confusing momentof the debate. Who the hell is this guy?! He looks like a ventriloquistdoll. Does that scare you? It scares me.
[ file video of Alan Keyes ] “Oh, hello, I’m Alan Keyes, I’m running forPresident, I think everyone’s a racist, vote for me!”
[ file video of George W. Bush ] Then there’s frontrunner George W. Bush.How can we vote for this guy over Al Gore? Al Gore is a family man, aclean, upright public servant. His whole life he’s wanted to help peopleand do good. Now, look at George Bush. He’s evasive, he’s not that smart,he probably doesn’t have any true convictions.. he’s not saying it, but weall know he probably spent years down there in Texas snorting everythingthat came across the border. This man who claims to be a moral leader isnothing more than a slow Southerner with a questionable past, who’s afraidto take a psoition on anything! [ realizes he’s just describedhimself ] I love this candidate! [ laughs ] I’m voting for him!Screw Al Gore! I know what’s right for this country, and it is”Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“