Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 7
Circe Nightshade…..Molly Shannon
Azrael Abyss…..Chris Kattan
Hezebaia of the Dust…..Christina Ricci
Baron Nocturna…..Will Ferrell
[ Scene opens with Azrael lying down and Circe sitting on the couch. ]
Circe Nightshade: Hello and welcome to Goth Talk. I’m Circe Nightshade and tonight we are paying are last respects to a dear kindred who has finally gone thither [ pause] to his mortal reward. Welcome to the funeral of Azreal Abyss!
Azrael Abyss: I’m the Prince of Sorrow, whoo.
Circe: Shut up, you supposed to be dead.
Azrael: Yes, I’m dead indeed, la la la.
Circe: Azrael, come on. Ok, well Azrael’s not really dead, but this is his funeral. It’s a funeral for the living. The dark brainchild of our guest to tonight, please welcome, Hezebaia…
Together: of the dust!
[ Hezebaia walks though the door and sits down on the couch with Circe. ]
Circe: Welcome to my dark lair Hezebia.
Hezebia: I’m sorry I’m late my findish brethren, I was plunged in the depth of an icy blue madness, trying to park my new Dodge Neon.
Circe: You got a new Dodge Neon! [suprised]
Circe: From who?
Hezebia: My parents.
Circe: What color?
Azrael: Hey, what about me?!
[ Hezebia pushes him back down]
Circe: Now, let the black ceremony begin, here the living are as the dead.
Azrael: [ Sceeches and hisses. ]
[Hezebia gets up and puts flower peddles around Azrael. ]
Hezebia: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to morn the loss Azrael…
Together: Abyss. [ She than stuffs peddles in his mouth. ]
Azrael: [ Spits them out, gagging. ]
[ Circe gets up and takes off a cover for a picture of Azrael. ]
[ It’s a picture of him with pimples, braces and hair geased to the side. ]
Azrael: Noo, not my ninth grade yearbook picture! Urgggg.
Hezebia: Our first eulogy will be delivered by a man who is no stanger to the otherside.
Azrael: I hope it’s Baron Nocturna.
Hezebia: His grim rememberence, yea it’s Baron Nocturna.
Azrael: [ Clapping. ] Send him in, send him in, send him in.
[ Hezebia pushes him down again. ]
Circe: Come to us Baron, oh, Underlord of the infernle.
[ Baron walks in wearing a Dunkin’ Donuts work outfit. ]
The Girls: Welcome Baron.
Baron: Sorry, I just got off work, I had to do my make-up in the car.
Azrael: Just get on with the funeral.
Baron: Good eve to you dark sisters our and our dear departed Azrael. [ Now reading. ]
“While I envy dear Azrael’s flight from this drewy world, I myself must face a cruel fact, without Azrael around I am now the gayest guy at school, and I’m gonna get my ass kicked, a lot! If the vicious wedgies visit upon Azrael are any invedtion…”
Azrael: That’s enough, Baron.
[ Hezebia pushes him down]
Hezebia: Shut it Todd.
Azrael: My name’s not Todd it’s Azrael Abyss!
[ Baron sits down.]
Hezebia: Now is the time for the departed to make his wishes known. [ Fighting with him. ]
Circe: Ok, before the departed Azrael recorded the demented revines of his findish last will intestiment, [ holds up a video. ] using his parents cam corder.
Hezebia: Behold the chiling image of a dead man calling out from be on the grave.
[ Camera fades out, then goes to Azrael from 1996 in his PJ’s at home with braces opening his christmas gift. ]
Azrael: Hiiiii!! [ waving at the camera ] I’m gonna open my present now! Oh My God, it’s perfect! A Mickey Mouse phone, I love it! Oh my god! [ looks up. ] Thank you Santa! lalala, I’m talking on the phone, I’m talking on the phone lalala. [ pressing the buttons. ] Beep, beep, beep, beep, [ talking in the phone. ] Hi, Santa? It’s me Todd, thanks for the neat phone!
[ Fades out to Circe and everyone. All four have odd looks on their faces. ]
Azrael: I told you to rewind that!
Circe: Sorry Azrael.
Hezebia: Boy you were really into that phone.
Azrael: Just keep going with the funeral, I’m dead, I’m dead, remember.
Baron: You’re right, you’re dead. When the people at school see this tape! Ha-Ha!
Azrael: No, give me that!
Baron: I’m gonna be, I’m back to being the second fruitest guy in school!
Azrael: No, give it to me!
Circe: Well that’s all the time that we have, till next time sweet nightmare, and remember stay out of the daylight.
The Girls: Stay out, stay out!
[ Fades out. ]
Submitted by: SNL244