SNL Transcripts: Christina Ricci: 12/04/99: Goth Talk

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 7

99g: Christina Ricci / Beck

Goth Talk

Circe Nightshade…..Molly Shannon
Azrael Abyss…..Chris Kattan
Hezebaia of the Dust…..Christina Ricci
Baron Nocturna…..Will Ferrell

[ Scene opens with Azrael lying down and Circe sitting on the couch. ]

Circe Nightshade: Hello and welcome to Goth Talk. I’m Circe Nightshade and tonight we are paying are last respects to a dear kindred who has finally gone thither [ pause] to his mortal reward. Welcome to the funeral of Azreal Abyss!

Azrael Abyss: I’m the Prince of Sorrow, whoo.

Circe: Shut up, you supposed to be dead.

Azrael: Yes, I’m dead indeed, la la la.

Circe: Azrael, come on. Ok, well Azrael’s not really dead, but this is his funeral. It’s a funeral for the living. The dark brainchild of our guest to tonight, please welcome, Hezebaia…

Together: of the dust!

Circe: Hezebaia.

[ Hezebaia walks though the door and sits down on the couch with Circe. ]

Circe: Welcome to my dark lair Hezebia.

Hezebia: I’m sorry I’m late my findish brethren, I was plunged in the depth of an icy blue madness, trying to park my new Dodge Neon.

Circe: You got a new Dodge Neon! [suprised]

Hezebia: Graduation.

Circe: From who?

Hezebia: My parents.

Circe: What color?

Hezebia: Purple.

Circe: Really?

Azrael: Hey, what about me?!

[ Hezebia pushes him back down]

Circe: Now, let the black ceremony begin, here the living are as the dead.

Azrael: [ Sceeches and hisses. ] [Hezebia gets up and puts flower peddles around Azrael. ]

Hezebia: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to morn the loss Azrael…

Together: Abyss. [ She than stuffs peddles in his mouth. ]

Azrael: [ Spits them out, gagging. ] [ Circe gets up and takes off a cover for a picture of Azrael. ] [ It’s a picture of him with pimples, braces and hair geased to the side. ]

Azrael: Noo, not my ninth grade yearbook picture! Urgggg.

Hezebia: Our first eulogy will be delivered by a man who is no stanger to the otherside.

Azrael: I hope it’s Baron Nocturna.

Hezebia: His grim rememberence, yea it’s Baron Nocturna.

Azrael: [ Clapping. ] Send him in, send him in, send him in.

[ Hezebia pushes him down again. ]

Circe: Come to us Baron, oh, Underlord of the infernle.

[ Baron walks in wearing a Dunkin’ Donuts work outfit. ]

The Girls: Welcome Baron.

Baron: Sorry, I just got off work, I had to do my make-up in the car.

Azrael: Just get on with the funeral.

Baron: Good eve to you dark sisters our and our dear departed Azrael. [ Now reading. ]“While I envy dear Azrael’s flight from this drewy world, I myself must face a cruel fact, without Azrael around I am now the gayest guy at school, and I’m gonna get my ass kicked, a lot! If the vicious wedgies visit upon Azrael are any invedtion…”

Azrael: That’s enough, Baron.

[ Hezebia pushes him down]

Hezebia: Shut it Todd.

Azrael: My name’s not Todd it’s Azrael Abyss!

Hezebia: Okay.

[ Baron sits down.]

Hezebia: Now is the time for the departed to make his wishes known. [ Fighting with him. ]

Circe: Ok, before the departed Azrael recorded the demented revines of his findish last will intestiment, [ holds up a video. ] using his parents cam corder.

Hezebia: Behold the chiling image of a dead man calling out from be on the grave.

Azrael: ooooo.

[ Camera fades out, then goes to Azrael from 1996 in his PJ’s at home with braces opening his christmas gift. ]

Azrael: Hiiiii!! [ waving at the camera ] I’m gonna open my present now! Oh My God, it’s perfect! A Mickey Mouse phone, I love it! Oh my god! [ looks up. ] Thank you Santa! lalala, I’m talking on the phone, I’m talking on the phone lalala. [ pressing the buttons. ] Beep, beep, beep, beep, [ talking in the phone. ] Hi, Santa? It’s me Todd, thanks for the neat phone!

[ Fades out to Circe and everyone. All four have odd looks on their faces. ]

Azrael: I told you to rewind that!

Circe: Sorry Azrael.

Hezebia: Boy you were really into that phone.

Azrael: Just keep going with the funeral, I’m dead, I’m dead, remember.

Baron: You’re right, you’re dead. When the people at school see this tape! Ha-Ha!

Azrael: No, give me that!

Baron: I’m gonna be, I’m back to being the second fruitest guy in school!

Azrael: No, give it to me!

Circe: Well that’s all the time that we have, till next time sweet nightmare, and remember stay out of the daylight.

The Girls: Stay out, stay out!

[ Fades out. ]

Submitted by: SNL244

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