SNL Transcripts: Christina Ricci: 12/04/99: Goth Talk


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 7

99g: Christina Ricci / Beck

Goth Talk

Circe Nightshade…..Molly Shannon
Azrael Abyss…..Chris Kattan
Hezebaia of the Dust…..Christina Ricci
Baron Nocturna…..Will Ferrell

[ Scene opens with Azrael lying down and Circe sitting on the couch. ]

Circe Nightshade: Hello and welcome to Goth Talk. I’m Circe Nightshade and tonight we are paying are last respects to a dear kindred who has finally gone thither [ pause] to his mortal reward. Welcome to the funeral of Azreal Abyss!

Azrael Abyss: I’m the Prince of Sorrow, whoo.

Circe: Shut up, you supposed to be dead.

Azrael: Yes, I’m dead indeed, la la la.

Circe: Azrael, come on. Ok, well Azrael’s not really dead, but this is his funeral. It’s a funeral for the living. The dark brainchild of our guest to tonight, please welcome, Hezebaia…

Together: of the dust!

Circe: Hezebaia.

[ Hezebaia walks though the door and sits down on the couch with Circe. ]

Circe: Welcome to my dark lair Hezebia.

Hezebia: I’m sorry I’m late my findish brethren, I was plunged in the depth of an icy blue madness, trying to park my new Dodge Neon.

Circe: You got a new Dodge Neon! [suprised]

Hezebia: Graduation.

Circe: From who?

Hezebia: My parents.

Circe: What color?

Hezebia: Purple.

Circe: Really?

Azrael: Hey, what about me?!

[ Hezebia pushes him back down]

Circe: Now, let the black ceremony begin, here the living are as the dead.

Azrael: [ Sceeches and hisses. ] [Hezebia gets up and puts flower peddles around Azrael. ]

Hezebia: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to morn the loss Azrael…

Together: Abyss. [ She than stuffs peddles in his mouth. ]

Azrael: [ Spits them out, gagging. ] [ Circe gets up and takes off a cover for a picture of Azrael. ] [ It’s a picture of him with pimples, braces and hair geased to the side. ]

Azrael: Noo, not my ninth grade yearbook picture! Urgggg.

Hezebia: Our first eulogy will be delivered by a man who is no stanger to the otherside.

Azrael: I hope it’s Baron Nocturna.

Hezebia: His grim rememberence, yea it’s Baron Nocturna.

Azrael: [ Clapping. ] Send him in, send him in, send him in.

[ Hezebia pushes him down again. ]

Circe: Come to us Baron, oh, Underlord of the infernle.

[ Baron walks in wearing a Dunkin’ Donuts work outfit. ]

The Girls: Welcome Baron.

Baron: Sorry, I just got off work, I had to do my make-up in the car.

Azrael: Just get on with the funeral.

Baron: Good eve to you dark sisters our and our dear departed Azrael. [ Now reading. ]“While I envy dear Azrael’s flight from this drewy world, I myself must face a cruel fact, without Azrael around I am now the gayest guy at school, and I’m gonna get my ass kicked, a lot! If the vicious wedgies visit upon Azrael are any invedtion…”

Azrael: That’s enough, Baron.

[ Hezebia pushes him down]

Hezebia: Shut it Todd.

Azrael: My name’s not Todd it’s Azrael Abyss!

Hezebia: Okay.

[ Baron sits down.]

Hezebia: Now is the time for the departed to make his wishes known. [ Fighting with him. ]

Circe: Ok, before the departed Azrael recorded the demented revines of his findish last will intestiment, [ holds up a video. ] using his parents cam corder.

Hezebia: Behold the chiling image of a dead man calling out from be on the grave.

Azrael: ooooo.

[ Camera fades out, then goes to Azrael from 1996 in his PJ’s at home with braces opening his christmas gift. ]

Azrael: Hiiiii!! [ waving at the camera ] I’m gonna open my present now! Oh My God, it’s perfect! A Mickey Mouse phone, I love it! Oh my god! [ looks up. ] Thank you Santa! lalala, I’m talking on the phone, I’m talking on the phone lalala. [ pressing the buttons. ] Beep, beep, beep, beep, [ talking in the phone. ] Hi, Santa? It’s me Todd, thanks for the neat phone!

[ Fades out to Circe and everyone. All four have odd looks on their faces. ]

Azrael: I told you to rewind that!

Circe: Sorry Azrael.

Hezebia: Boy you were really into that phone.

Azrael: Just keep going with the funeral, I’m dead, I’m dead, remember.

Baron: You’re right, you’re dead. When the people at school see this tape! Ha-Ha!

Azrael: No, give me that!

Baron: I’m gonna be, I’m back to being the second fruitest guy in school!

Azrael: No, give it to me!

Circe: Well that’s all the time that we have, till next time sweet nightmare, and remember stay out of the daylight.

The Girls: Stay out, stay out!

[ Fades out. ]

Submitted by: SNL244

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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