Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 7
Spartans Holiday Parade
Craig & Arianna:
Woodwind, percussion, brass, and baton
Our band’s louder than Chakakhan!
Arianna:I said A-boom-shaka-boom!
Craig: She said A-boom-shaka-boom!
Arianna: I said A-boom-shaka-locka-shaka-locka-shaka-boom!
Craig: She said A-boom-shaka-locka-shaka-locka-shaka-boom!
Arianna: I said A-boom-shaka-ROCKA-shaka-locka-chica-boom!
Craig: She said A-boom-shaka-rocka?
Together: OHH! WHATEVER! She-chica-boom! WHOO! SPARTAN FAN! SPARTAN FAN! (continue cheering random Spartan cheer phrases)
Craig: Arianna, we got an awesome spot for the East Lake Holiday Parade!
Arianna: I know! I’m surprised no one else thought of spending the night on the cold concrete!
Craig: Yeah! Yeah
Arianna: Lucky for us, we had my Felicity sleeping bag with it’s own Keri Russell home perm kit!
Craig: Ooh! You know she cut her hair?
Arianna: I know! I hope it wasn’t lice.
Craig: Mmm. (agreement)
Arianna: Craig! Here comes the grand marshals! Dustin Diamond from Saved By The Bell
Craig: And country superstar Juice Newton!
Arianna: Yeah JUUUUICE!!!
Arianna: JUUICE! NEWTON!!
Craig: SCREECH! DIAMOND!
Arianna: WHAT?!?! Oh. It’s not them.
Craig: Oh! Okay, let’s kick it!
Arianna: Yeah, let’s kick it!
V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!Victory, victory is our cry!B-U-T-W-I-P-E!Hey, Butt wipe! You stinky!P-I-M-P-L-E-S!Pimples on your face and you need Strydex!Here, zitty, zitty, zittyPPFFT!HYGIENE! WHOO!
Arianna: (cheering) C’mon, you guys! Twirl it! Don’t hurl it!
Craig: Arianna, I swear, if Roberto Clemente High wins top marching band over us again this year, I’m gonna go jujitsu on their ass!
Craig: Okay, hiney, whatever! I’m fired up!
Arianna: But, Craig! We got a secret weapon leading flag corps this year and her name is Gabby Malowski!
Craig: I asked you not to say her name.
Arianna: I’m sorry.
Craig: I got a bad crush.
Arianna: Oh, yeah.
Craig: It’s so easy for you. You’re going to the Snowflake Ball with Johnny Pinto, the hot new kid in school.
Arianna: (excited) Yessss!
Craig: I just feel like the odd man out like Left-Eye from TLC.
Arianna: I know! Why won’t Chili and T-Boz cut her a break?!
Craig: I know.
Arianna: It’s just so damn unpretty.
Craig: I know.
Arianna: Oh my God, Craig! Here comes my new boyfriend Johnny!!
(Johnny Pinto walks on in a marching uniform, carrying a flute)
Arianna: (jumps on him) Johnny! I can’t wait for the Snowflake Ball! I made reservations for us at the International House of Pancakes! Or IHOP as they call it on the streets!
Johnny: Well, first, maybe you should stop off at the International House of Tongue.
(Arianna gasps as her and Johnny make out humorously. Johnny tries to grab Arianna’s boob. Arianna smacks his hand away.)
Arianna: Johnny! Not ’til the Millennium!
Johnny: But the Pinto needs a little A cup now!
Arianna: (scoff) I’m a small B, and no!
Johnny: I got nothin’ but time
Craig: Damn, Johnny! I bet you’re cool all the way down to your underwear!
Johnny: Don’t wear ’em.
Arianna: (gasp) Oh my God, Craig! My boyfriend is free balling!
Johnny: Hey, Craig, I heard that Gabby Malowski doesn’t have a date for the Snowflake Ball.
Craig: OH NO!
Arianna: OOOH! Here’s your chance to ask her now! GABBY!
(Craig and Arianna call Gabby’s name. Gabby enters carrying a flag.)
Arianna: Gabby, if I were Polish, and in flag corps I would wanna be just like you!
Gabby: It’s not flag corps; it’s color guard, queer bomb.
Arianna: Ooh, diss.
Craig: Gabby, would you go with me to the Snowflake Ball? I’ll wax my back for you.
Gabby: Craig, me cool. You not. I’d rather go to the dance with my flag.
Craig: I get called “Flag” a lot, minus the L. So what about the Snowflake dance? Sounds like a go!
Gabby: Hey! Back hair! Right here. (points to mouth) No!
(Craig and Arianna are disappointed.)
Gabby: Let me give you a tip, new kid in school Johnny Pinto, there’s only one person who’s a bigger loser than Craig and that’s Arianna.
Johnny: (backs away from Arianna) Whoa. I’m dating a loser?
Gabby: I suggest you cut bait before you get her queer-mite stink on you.
Arianna: (grabs Johnny) It’s already on him! It’s called “Pizzazz” by Kathy Lee Gifford!
Gabby: She’s not even a real cheerleader.
Arianna: Ooh, double diss. I swear! Johnny, I swear, baby, I was gonna tell ya!
Johnny: (pushes Arianna away) Oh, great. Now I smell like dork.
Gabby: You should just go to the dance with me!
Johnny: Oh yeah? Will you let me touch your boobs?
Gabby: Let you? I’ll make you.
Johnny: Pinto just upgraded to a C cup.
Arianna: (grabs onto Johnny) Aw, baby! You don’t want the milk for free!
Johnny: (pushes Arianna aside) Yes, I do!
(Gabby and Johnny exit together)
Craig: You know what this parade needs?
Arianna: More paper in the Port-A-Potty?
Craig: No. The perfect cheer!
(Craig and Arianna dance to “Shining Star”)
Submitted by: Sean