Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 7
Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Jacob Silj…..Will Ferrell
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn![dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Thank you, folks….Thank you! Ahh, thank you, I’m Colin Quinn, here are tonight’s top stories.
Although 600 demonstrators were arrested this week during protests of the World Trade Organization conference in Seattle. Seattle police say they – the ringleader of the often violent protests against the WTO’s policies of free trade and open competition has been identified as this man. [photo of Bill Gates]
Abroad, the violent demonstrations and rioting that delayed the WTO conference until yesterday were seen as nothing short of evidence that America is gripped by madness and anarchy. Now, what would ever give people that [sign that reads “TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT”] idea?
A new Northern Ireland was born Thursday with the formation of a joint Catholic-Protestant government and the end of 27 years of rule from London. The newfound freedom promises the Irish people a return to the life they knew before British rule — hundreds of years of self-imposed misery.
In entertainment news, rapper Jay-Z was arrested Thursday on charges of stabbing a music executive the previous night during a birthday party for fellow rapper Q-Tip. Partygoers say that they knew there was gonna be trouble when the invitation said the party would last “from 9:00 p.m. until Jay-Z stabs somebody.” [scattered applause]
And it was revealed this week that Kate Shindle, Miss America 1998, is now working as a waitress in a Manhattan deli. It should be noted that if Shindle calls in sick, Miss Montana, her first runner-up, will cover her tables.
Hillary Clinton this week condemned Mayor Rudy Giuliani’s homeless policies and pledged to secure money for federally funded subsidized housing if elected senator. Yeah, it’s true; a senator can do a lot to help the homeless. You know who else can really do a lot to help the homeless? A first lady! [delayed reaction]…The joke was all attitude, and apparently that wasn’t enough for it. All right…
On the medical front, scientists announced Wednesday that they have, for the first time, decoded an entire human chromosome. According to experts, this breakthrough is nothing short of a first step towards unlocking the secrets of our DNA. After the announcement, a concerned O.J. Simpson asked, “I’m still cool, right?” [some applause]…Ah!
The six Republican presidential hopefuls met in New Hampshire this week for their first televised debate ever….George W. Bush took the opportunity to re-emphasize his pledge to cut taxes when he looked into the camera and said, quote, “Read my father’s lips.”
Conservative activist and Republican candidate Gary Bauer, when asked during the debate what his legacy would as – p – would p – be as president, declared that he would resurrect, quote, “the party of Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan.” Lincoln and Reagan. Yeah, those two names go together like “president” and “Gary Bauer.”
Surprisingly, the unofficial winner of the debate may have been conservative radio host and former diplomat Alan Keyes. Pundits predict that after his strong showing, Keyes is now a shoe-in to grab the ballot of every black Republican, provided he remembers to vote. [mixed reaction]…[explains] No, that he remembers; he’s the one….Just waitin’ for it, aren’t you, folks? All right.
For the second day now, NASA scientists are still unable to make contact with the 165-million-dollar Mars Polar Lander. Analysts are now saying this is the most disappointing 165-million-dollar space project since The Phantom Menace. [groans]…You’re right. Uh, it was a real winner, I’m wrong. I’m sorry.
A North Carolina woman who pleaded guilty to manslaughter was sentenced this week to wear a sign reading, “I am a convicted drunk driver and as a result I took a life.” She was last seen being approached by a man wearing a T-shirt that read, “Who likes to party besides me?” [some applause]…Oh! [mockingly smiles and claps when someone in the audience gets the joke] ‘Cause of the…okay.
Frank Amodeo, a cancer victim who is suing the nation’s tobacco companies, testified in Miami Thursday that advertisements featuring celebrities like Mickey Mantle and Ted Williams strongly influenced his decision to begin smoking in the 1950s. In a related story, a man is suing Major League Baseball because he was a Mets fan in the ’80s and is now addicted [photo of Dwight Gooden and Darryl Strawberry] to crack. [cheers and applause]
Police in Hackensack, New Jersey this week wiped out a massive Pokémon counterfeit ring, seizing over one million dollars worth of fake cards. As a public service, here is one of the fake cards parents should be on the lookout for. [doctored photo of a “Gainesachu” card, featuring the body of Pikachu and the head of Chris Gaines with red dots on Gaines’ face]
Gerald Marie, the European president of the Elite modeling agency, quit in disgrace this week after telling a British reporter he planned to have sex with teenage models. I guess one man’s downfall is another man’s [“TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT” sign] presidential platform. [scattered applause]
Some sad news to report tonight: Gene Rayburn, the host of TV’s long-running “Match Game,” died this week at the age of 81. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you send blank.
And finally, on a happier note, Stevie Wonder announced this week that he would consider undergoing an experimental procedure that could allow him to regain his sight. I can’t wait to see the expression on his face the first time he sees Michael Jackson. [cheers and applause]…Ahh! Thank you.
Here with a final word on this week’s events in Seattle is World Trade Organization spokesman Jacob Silj.
Jacob Silj: Thank you, Colin. This week, the World Trade Organization met in Seattle to discuss matters of great importance. Such as the loosening of trade restrictions that would greatly affect the environment. Unfortunately, delegates were met by hundreds, maybe thousands of protestors. It’s hard to say because of the extreme chaos. One thing’s for sure–
Colin: Listen, Jacob–
Jacob: What? What is it, Colin?
Colin: Do you think you could speak in a normal voice?
Jacob: I am speaking normally.
Colin: No, you’re shouting.
Jacob: Colin, listen to me. I was born without the ability to modulate the volume of my voice. It is an affliction that affects over 700 Americans every year. It is also fully acknowledged by medical communities of both the United States and the United Kingdom. I have extensive literature out in the trunk of my car that I’m happy to run and get for you if you think I’m lying.
Colin: I never said you were lying. Could you just somehow lower your voice?
Jacob: Oh, my God! What did you not understand about what I just said? I can’t do that. I have a disease! Would you ask a blind man to start having vision? Or an old person just to get young again?
Colin: No, of course not.
Colin: Well, what?
Jacob: Would you?
Colin: I already said no!
Jacob: Well, that’s what you’re doing. This is me whispering. This is me shouting. Now I’m singing. Does this sound like a pleasurable way to live? God, I can’t believe he’s doing this to you, Jacob. How humiliating.
Colin: Is that supposed to be a quiet aside to yourself?
Jacob: Of course it was. Oh! You’re just having a field day over there, aren’t you?
Colin: Listen. You don’t have to shout at me.
Jacob: I’m not shouting at you! Believe me, I wish I could, but I can’t! I suffer from voice immodulation. As do hundreds of others in the U.S. and Britain.
Colin: Okay, I apologize, Jacob.
Jacob: Now, no one has learned anything about the World Trade Organization, I hope you’re happy, Colin Quinn.
Colin: I don’t think anyone’s happy here. Jacob Silj, everybody….I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Jacob: That’s a stupid tagline.
Jacob: If you ask me.[fade to black]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson