Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 9
[ open on exterior, prison, night ]
[ dissolve to interior jail cell, four inmates lying asleep between two bunk cots ]
Aaron: [ on top right cot ] Hey! Blackjack! Psst! Blackjack? You awake?
Blackjack: [ on top left cot ] Who is that?
Aaron: It’s me — Aaron.
Blackjack: [ shakes his head ] Oh.. hey, man.. What’s wrong with you? You having trouble sleeping?
Aaron: Yeah. A little bit. [ pause ] Hey! Do you mind if I ask you a question?
Blackjack: Go ahead.
Aaron: Don’t you think the food here is bad?
Blackjack: Now, is that really what you want to ask me, man?
Aaron: [ shakes his head and smiles] Oh, Blackjack, you know me too well! Okay.. I’ll juat ask you, then. It’s just something that’s been on my mind for a while, and… maybe I’m just insecure, but — am I still your bitch?
Blackjack: Huh? Man, what kind of silly question is that? Of course you still my.. BITCH!
Aaron: [ surprised ] Really? You’re not just saying that because you know I want to hear it?
Blackjack: No, man, I’m not just saying that. I mean, everybody knows that, man — you Blackjack’s BITCH! Huh? I mean… that’s the way it’s ALWAYS been, and, as far as I know, that’s the way it’s always gonna be. Nothin’ gonna change that!
Aaron: [ slightly worried ] As far as you know?
Blackjack: Yeah, that’s what I said. [ Aaron frowns ] Why you lookin’ at me all crazy, man?
Aaron: What does “As far as you know“, mean?
Blackjack: Look, I don’t know, man. I just said it. Why you actin’ all… crazy?
Aaron: I don’t know! I — I — I just feel CRAZY sometimes, like I’m… gonna do something crazy! I just feel like you’re very distant from me sometimes.
Bobo: Hey, man, what’s goin’ on? Why y’all makin’ all that noise?
Aaron: Oh. I’m sorry, Bobo. It’s my fault.
Blackjack: Aaron, look — [ to Bobo ] aaron is actin’ all crazy and everything like that, man. He wants to know if I still consider him my bi-otch!
Bobo: Oh, come on, man! Everybody knows that Aaron is Blackjack’s bitch!
Aaron: Are — are you serious? People still say that?
Bobo: Oh, all the time!
Blackjack: See? That’s what I’m sayin’, man! I ain’t sayin’ it just to be nice! It’s the God’s honest truth, man. Plain and simple — You my BITCH!!
[ beneath Blackjack, Chaco wakes up ]
Chaco: [ in a high whisper ] Blackjack really means it, Aaron!
Aaron: Oh, Chaco? Did I wake you up, too? I feel awful!
Chaco: It’s alright, Aaron. Listen… I known Blackjack for a long time — longer than ANYBODY! Longer than Bobo… longer than Double-Man… even longer than Little Joe. Believe me, when he makes you his bitch, it’s FOREVER! [ pause ] Until he kills you. [ returns to sleep ]
Bobo: Straight up, you dumb white piece of ass!
Aaron: Hey! Easy, Bobo.
Bobo: I do NOT like you!
Aaron: You know what? When I really sit down and think about it… I think I just feel insecure ’cause — ’cause I watch you, Blackjack, and you’re sitting here talking with Chaco and Bobo, and you guys are laughing it up and having a great time and… and then you don’t to me in the same way, and it feels weird, really.
Blackjack: Hey, look, man, let me give it to you straight, man — sure, I have a good time with Bobo, and Chaco and everything, and we laugh it up, and we — we talk about prison stories that are boh entertaining… and grisly. But… the thing about it is, I don’t rap to them like I rap to you… but do I buy them presents? Huh? Who’s the guy who got you the toothbrush with the razor blade on the end of it? Huh?
Aaron: You can’t buy me.
Blackjack: I did buy you. I bought you from Hector for thirty cigarettes and a jug of toilet wine.
Aaron: [ he nods ] You’re right.
Blackjack: Hey, man, look — look, man, look — in the end… Aaron, you’re always gonna be my BITCH! Okay? And there ain’t NOBODY… gonna take that away… ’til I kill your ass!
Aaron: Oh, Blackjack! [ relieved ] I sometimes don’t know what to do with me! [ he chuckles ] Thanks for being so real, man.
Blackjack: No problem. Now, sweet dreams — BI-OTCHHHH!!
Chaco: I second that, little bitch!
Bobo: Yeah, you dumb, white little bitch!
Aaron: [ laughs ] Guys! I think I get the point!
[ they all laugh heartily and returns to sleep ]
[ fade ]