Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 9
Female Employee…..Ana Gasteyer
Angry Black Employee…..Jamie Foxx
[ open on employees chatting with one another in the office ]
Randall: Finally, after two hours of sweaty palms and pacing, I got the nerve to walk up to her and say, “Hey, let’s get it on!”
[ everyone laughs ]
Female Employee: So, what did she say?
Randall: Well.. she turned out to be one of those – what do you call them – store mannequins.
Angry Black Employee: Man, that’s nasty.
Randall: Women. You can’t live with them, you can’t live without them!
Female Employee: It was a mannequin.
Jeffrey: [ getting up ] Hey, listen, I would love to hang here all day with y’all, but I gotta go call Donnelly by three.
Female Employee: Take it easy, Jeffrey.
Angry Black Employee: Good luck with Donnelly, man.
Jeffrey: Alright, thanks. [ exits ]
Randall: [ sitting down ] What a great guy.
Female Employee: You know, he really is. I’m so glad he was hired.
Angry Black Employee: Yeah, Jeffrey’s cool!
[ Chet enters the break room ]
Chet: Hey, everyone.
Angry Black Employee: Hey, Chet! What’s up, man?
Female Employee: You just missed Jeffrey.
Chet: Oh.. I don’t think I know him..
Angry Black Employee: Oh, yes, you do. He’s about 5’11”, 190.
Female Employee: He’s got that really great smile?
Chet: Uh.. I don’t know who you’re talking about..
Randall: He was just hired last month.
Chet: Oh! The black guy!
Angry Black Employee: [ twitching in anger ] Wow.. man, is that what he is to you – the black guy!
Chet: No, uh.. I just didn’t know who you were talking about..
Angry Black Employee: In other words, his skin is his only identity? so, skin is the only thing you see when you see him, huh? You just see “Jeffrey, the Black Guy”, not “Jeffrey, the Guy with the Great Smile”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy’s Who There For His Friend”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Loves Movie Trivia”?
Chet: No. I didn’t say that..
Angry Black Employee: Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Speaks French – Bon Journee.” Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Took Care of My Son When He Was Sick.” To you, he’s just some Black Guy. You’ll never know “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Likes to Play Basketball”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Likes to Runs Fast”.. or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Really Loves Fried Chicken”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who’s Real Good at Dancing.” No! Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Used to Steal Cars.”
Randall: Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Calls People ‘Jive Turkeys’.”
Angry Black Employee: Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Has 15 Kids”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Smokes Crack.” How about “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Used to Work as a Train Porter”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Wants to Kidnap Some White Women”? Huh? Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Has a Large Penis”. No! You just think he’s “Jeffrey, the Black Guy.” You make me sick.
Chet: Hey.. all that stuff you said was racist!
Angry Black Employee: How so?
Chet: Smoking crack, kidnapping white women.. it’s horrible!
Female Employee: It’s who Jeffrey is!
Angry Black Employee: Look, it’s people like you who turn everything into a stereotype! I draw.. but does that make me all black people draw? I like to drive-by, and hang with my baby’s momma on the street corner. Uh-uh, does that make me just another black guy to you?
Randall: You know, I’m a white guy, and I love to sleep in a Batman costume and expose myself to tollbooth operators! Does that mean all white people do that?
Female Employee: Shut up, Randall!
Chet: Look, I’m sorry if I offended anybody. I didn’t mean it.
Angry Black Employee: Alright, man, you’re forgiven this time.
Female Employee: Sorry to take you down so hard.
Chet: Hey, how about if I took everyone out to lunch?
Randall: That sounds great.
Chet: We can ride my burro over to my adobe hut, and have tacos with Pepe and the other fifty guys that hang out in his hatchback. They’re really nice guys, they really are.
Angry Black Employee: [ putting his arm around Chet’s shoulder ] Hey, man.. that sounds nice, man. Real nice.
[ everyone exits the breakroom – a minute later, Jeffrey re-enters, grabs someone’s laptop computer, stuffs it inside his jacket and leaves again ]
[ fade ]