Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 9
Nick Burns, Your Company Computer Guy
Employee 1…..Horatio Sanz
Employee 2…..Chris Kattan
Nick Burns…..Jimmy Fallon
Andy: Hey, weren’t we supposed to have a company meeting about that uh….. brand new programming system?
Employee #1: Yeah, I think they’re sending the computer guy, Nick Burns, over to answer any questions.
Employee #2: I don’t like that guy.
Andy: It must be about the upgrade to the server.
Employee #1: Hey, do they have to upgrade because of Y2K?
[ Nick Enters ]
Nick Burns: Considering we work with Macintosh and they’ve always been Y2K compatible, I’d say NO.
Theme Song: “Nick Burns, the computer guy. He’ll fix your computer, then he’s going to make fun of you. Cause he’s Nick Burns, the company’s computer guy.”
Nick Burns: Over the holidays, we upgraded to the latest version of Microsoft Outlook and changed the server login ID.
Andy: So what’s the new login ID?
Nick Burns: Bradford Company slash your last name dot your first name.
Employee #2: Is there a space after Bradford?
Nick Burns: If you want it not to work, yeah. But if you want it to work smoothly, don’t use the space.
Employee #1: Hey, Nick.
Nick Burns: NO, its not case sensitive.
Employee #2: Yeah, I’m still having a little problem.
Nick Burns: Yeah, I’m having three problems. [ acknowledges the room ] What is it?
Employee #2: I just can’t find my personal address book.
Nick Burns: Did you import it from the Outlook program?
Employee #2: I think I downloaded it.
Nick Burns: You downloaded it? Well, that’s amazing considering it’s impossible. You have to import it.
Employee #2: Import through my folder…?
Nick Burns: MOVE! [ sits down ] I’m gonna teach you a lesson here. First, you open up the folder file import in the downlock box. Open Outlook 6.0 folder, find address file, and click import. Was that so hard?
Employee #2: Yeah, actually it was.
Nick Burns: They teach this kind of stuff on “Blue’s Clues”. Who’s next?
Employee #1: Hey, Nick. Happy New Year, buddy.
Employee #2: Yeah, right, maybe for you. I’m still teaching computers to dimwits!
Employee #1: I have two questions.
Nick Burns: Lemme guess, what color are your shoes, and when’s lunch?
Employee #1: C’mon, man. Look, I need to know if the new login changes my e-mail address.
Nick Burns: Of course it doesn’t, what else?
Employee #1: I can’t find my calendars.
Nick Burns: Well, genius, your hard drive doesn’t have an infinite amount of space. I had to delete that stuff to install the upgrade.
Employee #1: Is it in my view folder?
Nick Burns: [ laughs ] There’s no such thing as a view folder. LOL, semicolon, parentheses. MOVE! [ taps a few keys ] There you go, was that so hard? [ to Andy ] What’s your problem?
Andy: I just needed the logon ID.
Nick Burns: It’s like I said, Bradford Company-
Andy: I know, Bradford Company slash first name dot slash last name. I got it.
Nick Burns: You know everything. What else, what else is your problem? I don’t wanna come back here.
Andy: I figured it out already.
Nick Burns: [ curious ] Oh, really. Did you recover your bookmarks?
Andy: I imported them with my address book.
Nick Burns: What about your plugins?
Andy: Already installed them.
Nick Burns: I hope you didn’t clog up your memory doing it.
Andy: Oh, don’t worry about it, I didn’t!
Employee #2: Hey, Nick? I can’t print. What happened to my print thing?
Nick Burns: Here we go. Geez Louise.
Andy: Just hit Apple P, and it will print.
Employee #2: [ tries it ] Oh, wow, thanks Andy.
[ Andy makes a victory move ]
Nick Burns: Yeah, yeah, you could do it that way, or you could go to the print icon that’s on the left side of the screen.
Employee #2: No. This is faster. Thanks, Andy.
Nick Burns: OK, I’m gonna go. One last question, Andy. [ theme from “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly” plays ] Did you configure a rampartition for the new version of Outlook?
Andy: I didn’t think it was necessary.
Nick Burns: Well, if you wanna use your plug-ins, yes, it is. Do you know how to do it?
Andy: Yes, first, I click on the application to highlight.
Nick Burns: Then what?
Andy: Then I go to new file menu.
Nick Burns: Lucky guess.. then what?
Andy: And then I- I ah…..I-I think I ah….
Nick Burns: [ hovers ] You don’t know what to do, do you? You need old Nick’s help.
Andy: No, no, no, I can figure it out I think I just need to, uh…
Nick Burns: Well?, well? MOVE! [ taps a few keys ] There you go, its not so easy, is it, partner? [ returns Andy’s victory move ] I’m gonna go down to the third floor. Gotta teach those buffoons the new program, I’m outta here. Oh, by the way, you’re welcome.
Theme Song: “‘Cause he’s Nick Burns, your company’s computer guy.”
Submitted by: Ben Brophy