Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 9
J Lo’s and Puff Daddy’s Couple’s Counseling
Jennifer Lopez…Cheri Oteri
Puff Daddy….Jamie Foxx
[Opens with a nice office. JLo and Puff Daddy dressed in a white mink coat and hat sit across from the doctor]
Doctor: Ok. Taking this step into couple’s counseling is a very important first step. I commend both of you. Now, I understand you’re having some problems recently.
Jennifer Lopez: Ok, its the same problem we keep having over and over. Puffy and I go out, we have a good time and then somebody gets shot.
Puff Daddy: [rapping] I thought I told you that nobody got shot, I thought I told you that nobody got shot….that’s a good song, you know what I’m saying?
Doctor: So Puff…is that what happens?
Puff Daddy: Unh-unh…its like, its what I’m saying. First of all, can I give it up for Big? I want to give it up for Big.[points to the sky]
Jennifer Lopez: Puffy, Biggie’s not here,ok? He’s dead. Just shut up and go.
Puff Daddy: I’m saying, I’m just out there trying to do my thing, I’m trying to drink some Crystal with Jennifer, you know what I’m saying? Maybe write a few songs, you know what I’m saying? But its always a misunderstanding, somebody always getting shot, I’m just trying to give it up to Big, you know what I’m saying?[points to the sky]
Jennifer Lopez: See, Puffy gets crazy overprotective over me. He needs to understand that I’m valuable property, all right?
Doctor: Exactly what do you mean by that, Jennifer?
Jennifer Lopez: Well, for example.[points her tits] These are insured for $200,000 each, all right? [points her crotch] These is insured for $700,000. Ok? And this [turns to show her big ass] Mama’s seata? That’s priceless, all right?
Puff Daddy: See, that’s what I’m talking about, sometimes I think, like Jennifer’s ass, it like, attracts a bad element, you know what I’m saying? It’s big. It’s like a campfire, and it like, it radiates heat so all bugs want to warm their hands in there, you know what I’m saying? And then I got to beat them down, I just want to give it up for Biggie.[points to the sky]
Jennifer Lopez: Yeah, Biggie, Biggie….hey, at least my ass didn’t beat up a record executive, right?
Puff Daddy: You know what? That was a flagrant mis—interpreration.
Jennifer Lopez: Yeah, right. That’s what you say.
Puff Daddy: You know what I’m saying? Those are so-called facts. Calm your heels, supersalsa.
Jennifer Lopez: All right, ok. Don’t call me supersalsa. I’ll kick your Hampton’s ass back to Harlem!
Doctor: Calm down. Puffy, before today’s session I asked you to write down your feelings. Did you do that?
Puff Daddy: Yes, I did , I did.
Jennifer Lopez: Did you do it?
[Puff takes a piece of paper out of his coat and a gun falls out on the table and fires]
Jennifer Lopez: Puff!
Puff Daddy: Oh, snap! I don’t know how that got in there. The playa haters always planting guns on me, cause Puff don’t roll like that, you know what I’m saying? [throws the gun over the couch and it fires again]
Jennifer Lopez: Puff! See? That’s what I’m talking about.
Puff Daddy: You want this ring or something? I’ll pay for that, you know what I’m saying?
Jennifer Lopez: See?
Doctor: You want to read what you…
Puff Daddy: Yeah, I want to read it right here. I was working on it like, late last night making up some new stuff.
Jennifer Lopez: Just read it, Puff.
Puff Daddy: “Shout, shout, let it all out, this are the things I can do without, come on, you know what I’m saying? I’m talking to you, come on”
Doctor: Puffy, that’s “Tears for Fears”.
Jennifer Lopez: Puff, you can’t sample somebody else’s feelings. Try to be original.
Puff Daddy: I got an original idea. Why don’t you take some singing lessons. What’s up with that?
Jennifer Lopez: Hey! I won the MTV Video Award for Best New Ass! Mr. Good Humor Man!
Doctor: Ok, that’s enough. Ok, Puffy, I think that your aggressive behavior is compensating for an inferiority complex.
Puff Daddy: What you talking about? What you talkin about? [throws dollars to the doctor] I’ll lace you, man. You calling me inferior? I’ll lace you, you know what I’m saying? I’ll lace you.
Doctor: Listen Puffy, that is not gonna solve your problems but I do like it, thank you. [picks money up] Now, do you think this aggression you have may possibly stem from your childhood?
Puff Daddy: It’s not even like that, you know what I’m saying? Like, I have a good motha, I have a good fatha, you know what I’m saying?
Doctor: Motha? How do you spell that?
Puff Daddy: M-O, otha, you know, look, its all like I don’t care about this, I don’t even own a gun, you know what i’m saying? I don’t even know how to fire a gun, I never even seen the movie “Top Gun”, you know what I’m saying? I don’t even like to say the word bubblegum cause its so close to gun.[gun fires inside Puffy’s coat]
Jennifer Lopez: Puff!
Puff Daddy:[takes the gun out] Oh man, what happened, I got this at Sharper Image, thought it was a lighter, you know what I’m saying? [throws it away and fires again]
Jennifer Lopez: Puffy, all right, this has got to stop. [BANG!] Stop!
Doctor: All right, Jennifer. Just calm down. Ok? Take it easy. Take a deep breath.
[Jennifer inhales deeply, turns her big ass sideways and exhales forcefully, Jamie cracks up]
Doctor: Ok, thank you. Now Jennifer, I would like for you to look at Puffy and to tell him how you feel about him.
Jennifer Lopez: Puff Daddy?
Puff Daddy: What? That, that’s right.
Jennifer Lopez: I remember the first time we went out, you took me to the Hamptons….
Puff Daddy: Hamptons…
Jennifer Lopez: …to dinner to meet your friend Martha Stewart….
Puff Daddy: Stewart…
Jennifer Lopez: …and it was the greatest night of my life baby, until five people got stomped to death, all right. But then you cuddled with me and I knew you cared…
Puff Daddy: Cared…
Jennifer Lopez:…but then I reached down in your pants and felt that huge wad….
Puff Daddy:Look out…
Jennifer Lopez: …and I pulled it out and I went shopping with it! Oh! [Horny Jennifer jumps on Puff Daddy and straddles him on the couch]
Puff Daddy: Oh, oh, oh…
Doctor: Ok, please stop. Stop, stop, please stop.
Puff Daddy: Yo’, why you hatin’? Why you hatin’?[Jennifer climbs off]
Doctor: I’m sorry. I want to eat dinner later. Now Puffy, its time to tell Jennifer exactly how you feel in your own words.
Puff Daddy: All right. Just a second.
[Takes off the coat, turns on his radio. “Every Breath You Take” by The Police plays]
Jennifer Lopez: Yeah, Puff. Yeah, baby.
Puff Daddy: [dancing around] I’m there, I’m still there, you know what I’m saying? Yo’, yo’, [to the beat of the song] Jennifer your fresh and fruity the only reason I like you is your big old booty, I’m out there every day trying to make some cash, trying to find some pants that’ll fit over your ass, if you ever mess with me you know I’m a blast, you know what I’m saying? I mean….I want to give it up for Big, I want to give it up for Big. [points to the sky]
Doctor: All right, that was very nice and entertaining. I’m sorry but our time is up.
Jennifer Lopez: Thanks for curing us, doc. Ok, we’ll see you next week.
Puff Daddy: Let’s bounce, you know what I’m saying?
Doctor: All right, bye-bye.
Jennifer Lopez: Bye-bye.
[JLo and Puffy step outside the office. Automatic gunfire erupts]
[Puffy enters the office again]
Puff Daddy: Yo’ man! You better get out here quick! Two guys got shot! I don’t know what happened cause I don’t even own a gun, I don’t even watch the show “Gunsmoke”! I don’t even know how to spell the word gun!
Jennifer Lopez: He can’t spell.
[Puff Daddy points to the sky, Jennifer hauls him out of the office, Doctor calls the cops]
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel