Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 9
Hillary Leaves the White House
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
Vladmir Putin…..Will Ferrell
[ First-Lady Hillary Clinton is packing for her New York Senate campaign, while Bill talks on the phone ]
Hillary Clinton: Are you gonna help? The movers are waiting on me. Could you get up off your fat ass and help me pack these boxes?
President Bill Clinton: You know, Hillary, I would have helped you yesterday, but I had those peace talks in West Virginia. But I guess you moving is more important than peace for Syria.
Hillary Clinton: Well can you help me now?
President Bill Clinton: I wish I could, but I gotta call the new Russian president.
Hillary Clinton: Hmmph, how convenient.
President Bill Clinton: Trust me – it’s not like I don’t want to help you get on your way. [ into the phone ] Vladimir! Puttin’… Putin. Hey, how are you? Hey, it’s Bill Clinton. I was just callin’ to congratulate you.
Vladmir Putin: Well, it’s good to hear from you. I’m just getting rid of some of Yeltsin’s things. [ bottles on desk, picks one up at a time and tosses it into a box ]
President Bill Clinton: Well, you know, I am glad to hear you got that job. I thought because of your affiliation with the KGB, some people might be against you.
Vladmir Putin: [ assuringly ] Don’t worry. Those people are gone. Way gone, my friend.
President Bill Clinton: Well, I hope you win the election in March.
Vladmir Putin: Oh, I’ll win. I’ll win. My only competition is Gorbachev’s kid, Mikhail W. Gorbachev. Believe me, the Russian people aren’t stupid enough to vote for a guy just because he has his dad’s name.
President Bill Clinton: The American people are. [ laughs and holds a thumbs-up ]
Vladmir Putin: I know. And I just fired Yeltsin’s daughter. I’m trying to trim some of the fat.
President Bill Clinton: You should try Jenny Craig.
Vladmir Putin: Jenny Craig. Good one, I get it.
President Bill Clinton: [ laughing ] No, seriously, Putin, I’m concerned about the conflict in Chechnya.. [ Hillary picks up Bill’s Dilbert mug from his desk, breaking his concentration ] ..and I’m also concerned about my Dilbert mug. That stays here!
Vladmir Putin: [ confused ] Who’s Dilbert?
President Bill Clinton: I’m sorry. As I was saying. I must stress my concern about the crisis in Chechnya.
Vladmir Putin: Look, I know the war is wrong but it gives the Russian people a reason to feel proud.
President Bill Clinton: Well, I don’t think people should do something they know is wrong just because it makes them feel good. [ laughs, as Hillary gives him a dirty look ]
President Bill Clinton: [ groaning ] Oh.. not the look again. Not the look..
Hillary Clinton: I’m going to New York now.
President Bill Clinton: [ apethetic ] Okay. [ covering mouthpiece of phone ] Well, I’m sorry, it’s long distance.
Vladmir Putin: Do you need to go?
President Bill Clinton: [ to phone [ No, it’s cool.
Hillary Clinton: [ disgusted ] I’m leaving. I am leaving, and you won’t see me for two months. Don’t you even want to say goodbye?
President Bill Clinton: Goodbye.
Hillary Clinton: Is that it?
President Bill Clinton: [ holds his three middle fingers up ] Pick a finger. [ Hillary turns away, as Bill ends his phone call ] I’m sorry, I’m kidding. [ jumping up ] Honey, you’re my wife, and I need to give you a proper goodbye. I want you to come here. [ Hillary approaches Bill for a hug, but he pushes her back and gives her a handshake instead ] Good luck in all your future endevours.
Hillary Clinton: [ outraged ] Is that it?
President Bill Clinton: Yeah.. but, one last thing. [ to the camera ] Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!