Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 10
Dr. Beaman’s Office
Dr. Beaman…..Will Ferrell
Nurse Jennifer…..Rachel Dratch
Tom…..Chris ParnellKathy…..Molly Shannon
Dr. Poop…..Tim Meadows
[ open on Dr. Beaman sitting behind his desk, talking on the phone ]
Dr. Beaman: I’m sorry, you have the wrong number. No, there’s no “Mark” here. My name? It’s Mark. No.. I spell it with a C. Who put you up to this? What do you mean you’re my “wife”? O-kay.. if you’re my “wife”, what’s our cat’s name? [ a beat ] Mr. Stitches. Damn, you’re good! [ hangs up ] [ Nurse Jennifer enters ]
Nurse Jennifer: Doctor? The Framinghams are here to see you.
Dr. Beaman: Oh, good. Send them right in.
Nurse Jennifer: By the way, can I get Tuesday off for a modeling job?
Dr. Beaman: Absolutely.[ Jennifer exits, as the Framinghams enter ]
Dr. Beaman: Hi. Hello. Tom.
Kathy: Hello, Doctor!
Dr. Beaman: Very good to see you. Please, have a seat.[ The Framinghams sit ]
Kathy: So, how is our baby?
Dr. Beaman: Well, I.. I don’t want to keep you in suspense here, so we’ll just get right into it. [ phone rings ] Hold on. [ answer phone ] Hello? Beverly! How the hell- what?! NO!! Old Chester? A palimino? They’re beautiful! Ye-es! They’re gorgeous! Beautiful, golden fur! Uh-huh! Yes! Why, I’ve got all the time in the world!
Tom: [ clears throat ]
Dr. Beaman: Ohhh. Actually, Beverly, I should go.. One of my patients is being a real knob-job.
Tom: Excuse me?
Dr. Beaman: Yeah! That was him. You know how it is, Beverly. [ chuckles ] Alright. What’s that? No. No, he doesn’t look like that – close, though! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! [ notices Tom is staring at him ] He’s looking at me right now.. His big, sweaty, gat face.. sucking in air like a dying fish. You should see ‘im. Between you and me, I’d like to stomp on his head ’til my foot’s covered in brains.
Kathy: We can hear you!
Dr. Beaman: At least his wife’s got a big enough ass for a nice roll in the hay. Alright, Beverly! Goodbye, old friend! [ hangs up ] Sorry, I was just, uh.. subscribing to some magazines.
Tom: No, you weren’t!
Dr. Beaman: Now, where we? Oh, right. Your father.. may never again have what we call a human face.
Tom: We’re here about our baby!
Dr. Beaman: Who are you people?!
Tom: The Framinghams! We gave birth to a baby a week ago! And you were supposed to give us test results!
Dr. Beaman: Are you Brian and Cheryl Framingham?
Dr. Beaman: [ looking through files ] Blowfish and Funk Framingham?
Tom: No! For God’s sakes!
Dr. Beaman: Jennifer, get the F in here!!
Nurse Jennifer: Yes, Doctor?
Dr. Beaman: Who are these people?!!
Nurse Jennifer: They’re Tom and Kathy Framingham from Mount Oak. They have a baby – Shane.
Dr. Beaman: My God.. Tom and Kathy.. I-I feel like an idiot.. Of course! your son Shane! He’s fantastic! [ Framinghams sigh ] Now.. quick phone call to Beverly, to get the details on this new palimino, then I’ll give you the test results..
Tom: Now, we haven’t seen our son in a week! We want to know-
Dr. Beaman: You shut that mouth, Tom!
Tom: I will not!
Dr. Beaman: You will if you’re in my office!
Tom: I will not shut up!
Kathy: Tom! Please!
Dr. Beaman: And tell that Asian wife of yours to shut up, too!
Kathy: You are really being awful!
Dr. Beaman: Believe me, I know! But you’re all gonna need to shut up!! Are we clear on that? Good. Now, Now, I’m going to tell you this quickly, and it’s probably going to sting a little bit. Your son’s a witch.
Kathy: Oh my God, no!
Tom: This is ridiculous, there’s, there’s no way to determine..
Dr. Beaman: Yes, there is, yes there is. [ shouts ] Jennifer, please send in Dr. Poop! And, yes, laugh all you want at his last name, but he is the man who could very well save your son’s life.[ Dr. Poop enters Dr. Beaman’s office ]
Dr. Poop: Tom, Kathy.. I’m Dr. Steven Poop. I’m sorry, there’s absolutely nothing I can do for your son. But.. I can do The Robot. [ does the Robot dance ] That’ll be $5,000. Good day to you both. [ exits office ]
Tom: What the hell was that?
Dr. Beaman: Look, I couldn’t think of anything good… Uhhh… Truth is [ stifling a laugh ] ..we misplaced your baby.
Tom: [ stunned, stutters ] You.. vondruke!
Dr. Beaman: [ making a curious face ] Is that an actual curse word?
Tom: I think so.. Listen, when did you misplace our baby?
Dr. Beaman: It was right after we delivered him. I, uh.. I went out to grab a bite to eat and I forgot I had him with me. Then I met some friends for a beer.. uh.. we went to a BoDeans concert.. and, son of a vondruke, if I didn’t leave him at the concert hall! Thank God they had him, the next day at Lost and Found. [ sigh of relief from Tom ] Then, I just flat out lost him!
Tom: [ pulling himself together ] Doc.. I’ve gotta tell ya – you have angered me with your irresponsibility! And yet, at the same time, you’re a straight shooter. And I can’t fault you for that. [ a beat ] We’ll let it slide – but just this once!
Kathy: [ outraged ] Honey!
Tom: Now.. [ feeling horny ] ..let’s go start makin’ another one!
Kathy: [ slowly rises from her seat ] Euggh! You are totally grossing me out! [ runs away from Tom ] Oh, you’re being creepy![ Tom chases Kathy out of the office ]
Dr. Beaman: [ sighing ] Thank God.. Whew… [ starts to write on his papers, then stops ] Yikes.. [ writes some more, stops again ] That was rough! [ props his feet on his desk ] [ fade ]