SNL Transcripts: Freddie Prinze, Jr.: 01/15/00: Dr. Beaman’s Office


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 10

99j: Freddie Prinze, Jr. / Macy Gray

Dr. Beaman’s Office

Dr. Beaman…..Will Ferrell
Nurse Jennifer…..Rachel Dratch
Tom…..Chris ParnellKathy…..Molly Shannon
Dr. Poop…..Tim Meadows

[ open on Dr. Beaman sitting behind his desk, talking on the phone ]

Dr. Beaman: I’m sorry, you have the wrong number. No, there’s no “Mark” here. My name? It’s Mark. No.. I spell it with a C. Who put you up to this? What do you mean you’re my “wife”? O-kay.. if you’re my “wife”, what’s our cat’s name? [ a beat ] Mr. Stitches. Damn, you’re good! [ hangs up ] [ Nurse Jennifer enters ]

Nurse Jennifer: Doctor? The Framinghams are here to see you.

Dr. Beaman: Oh, good. Send them right in.

Nurse Jennifer: By the way, can I get Tuesday off for a modeling job?

Dr. Beaman: Absolutely.

[ Jennifer exits, as the Framinghams enter ]

Dr. Beaman: Hi. Hello. Tom.

Kathy: Hello, Doctor!

Dr. Beaman: Very good to see you. Please, have a seat.

[ The Framinghams sit ]

Kathy: So, how is our baby?

Dr. Beaman: Well, I.. I don’t want to keep you in suspense here, so we’ll just get right into it. [ phone rings ] Hold on. [ answer phone ] Hello? Beverly! How the hell- what?! NO!! Old Chester? A palimino? They’re beautiful! Ye-es! They’re gorgeous! Beautiful, golden fur! Uh-huh! Yes! Why, I’ve got all the time in the world!

Tom: [ clears throat ]

Dr. Beaman: Ohhh. Actually, Beverly, I should go.. One of my patients is being a real knob-job.

Tom: Excuse me?

Dr. Beaman: Yeah! That was him. You know how it is, Beverly. [ chuckles ] Alright. What’s that? No. No, he doesn’t look like that – close, though! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! [ notices Tom is staring at him ] He’s looking at me right now.. His big, sweaty, gat face.. sucking in air like a dying fish. You should see ‘im. Between you and me, I’d like to stomp on his head ’til my foot’s covered in brains.

Kathy: We can hear you!

Dr. Beaman: At least his wife’s got a big enough ass for a nice roll in the hay. Alright, Beverly! Goodbye, old friend! [ hangs up ] Sorry, I was just, uh.. subscribing to some magazines.

Tom: No, you weren’t!

Dr. Beaman: Now, where we? Oh, right. Your father.. may never again have what we call a human face.

Kathy: What?!

Tom: We’re here about our baby!

Dr. Beaman: Who are you people?!

Tom: The Framinghams! We gave birth to a baby a week ago! And you were supposed to give us test results!

Dr. Beaman: Are you Brian and Cheryl Framingham?

Kathy: No.

Dr. Beaman: [ looking through files ] Blowfish and Funk Framingham?

Tom: No! For God’s sakes!

Dr. Beaman: Jennifer, get the F in here!!

[ Nurse Jennifer enters ]

Nurse Jennifer: Yes, Doctor?

Dr. Beaman: Who are these people?!!

Nurse Jennifer: They’re Tom and Kathy Framingham from Mount Oak. They have a baby – Shane.

Dr. Beaman: My God.. Tom and Kathy.. I-I feel like an idiot.. Of course! your son Shane! He’s fantastic! [ Framinghams sigh ] Now.. quick phone call to Beverly, to get the details on this new palimino, then I’ll give you the test results..

Tom: Now, we haven’t seen our son in a week! We want to know-

Dr. Beaman: You shut that mouth, Tom!

Tom: I will not!

Dr. Beaman: You will if you’re in my office!

Tom: I will not shut up!

Kathy: Tom! Please!

Dr. Beaman: And tell that Asian wife of yours to shut up, too!

Kathy: You are really being awful!

Dr. Beaman: Believe me, I know! But you’re all gonna need to shut up!! Are we clear on that? Good. Now, Now, I’m going to tell you this quickly, and it’s probably going to sting a little bit. Your son’s a witch.

Tom: What?

Kathy: Oh my God, no!

Tom: This is ridiculous, there’s, there’s no way to determine..

Dr. Beaman: Yes, there is, yes there is. [ shouts ] Jennifer, please send in Dr. Poop! And, yes, laugh all you want at his last name, but he is the man who could very well save your son’s life.

[ Dr. Poop enters Dr. Beaman’s office ]

Dr. Poop: Tom, Kathy.. I’m Dr. Steven Poop. I’m sorry, there’s absolutely nothing I can do for your son. But.. I can do The Robot. [ does the Robot dance ] That’ll be $5,000. Good day to you both. [ exits office ]

Tom: What the hell was that?

Dr. Beaman: Look, I couldn’t think of anything good… Uhhh… Truth is [ stifling a laugh ] ..we misplaced your baby.

Tom: [ stunned, stutters ] You.. vondruke!

Dr. Beaman: [ making a curious face ] Is that an actual curse word?

Tom: I think so.. Listen, when did you misplace our baby?

Dr. Beaman: It was right after we delivered him. I, uh.. I went out to grab a bite to eat and I forgot I had him with me. Then I met some friends for a beer.. uh.. we went to a BoDeans concert.. and, son of a vondruke, if I didn’t leave him at the concert hall! Thank God they had him, the next day at Lost and Found. [ sigh of relief from Tom ] Then, I just flat out lost him!

Tom: [ pulling himself together ] Doc.. I’ve gotta tell ya – you have angered me with your irresponsibility! And yet, at the same time, you’re a straight shooter. And I can’t fault you for that. [ a beat ] We’ll let it slide – but just this once!

Kathy: [ outraged ] Honey!

Tom: Now.. [ feeling horny ] ..let’s go start makin’ another one!

Kathy: [ slowly rises from her seat ] Euggh! You are totally grossing me out! [ runs away from Tom ] Oh, you’re being creepy!

[ Tom chases Kathy out of the office ]

Dr. Beaman: [ sighing ] Thank God.. Whew… [ starts to write on his papers, then stops ] Yikes.. [ writes some more, stops again ] That was rough! [ props his feet on his desk ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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4 years ago

Will repeats the whole premise as “Evil Boss” being extremely mean and physically violent. Episode with Pierce Brosnan.

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