SNL Transcripts: Julianne Margulies: 02/12/00: The Bird Family


Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 25: Episode 12

99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

The Bird Family

Mom…..Ana Gasteyer
Dad…..Will Ferrell
Paul…..Chris Parnell
Karen…..Julianne Margulies
Nathan…..Chris Kattan

Mom: (entering with food) Oh, please… please everyone dig in, don’t wait for me.

Paul: Mom this smells delicious. I’m starving, all I’ve had today is a smoothie.

Dad: Before we get too carried away I’d just like to welcome Karen to our home and to our table.

Karen: Oh, thank you. That is so sweet, Mr. Blake.

Dad: Please, call me Cornelius.

Karen: Well, thank you Cornelius.

Mom: I just have to say, Karen, that Paul must really like you if he’s bringing you over to the house on just your second date.

Dad: Absolutely.

Karen: Oh, well Paul and I had such a wonderful first date I thought, why not, what have I got to lose.

Paul: Well be careful, you might become the daughter they never had. Dad, do you mind?

Dad: Oh, sure. (begins cutting up Nathan’s chicken) Karen, I need to ask you something (begins chewing up chicken) is your father Dale Anderson?

Karen: Do you know my father?

Dad: I have know Dale Anderson, we have known Dale Anderson, for twenty years. We started at the same plant together. (spits chicken into PAUL’s mouth) And, ah, and then, I got transferred when the kids were really little.

Mom: Yeah, in fact I think that you guys probably played together when you were little.

Paul: The chicken is so great, Mom.

Mom: Oh, thank you sweety.

Karen: What just happened?

Paul: Oh, that, we played together when we were little kids. Kinda neat, huh?

Dad: Here comes some corn!

Paul: All right!

(DAD spits chewed up food into his mouth)

Mom: Corn is my specialty

Paul: Mmmm, mmm. Mom, you are on your game tonight.

Mom: Oh, thank you.

Karen: What are you guys doing?

Dad: I’m feeding him.

Karen: Yes, I see that. But why that way?

Paul: Karen, I thought I told you, my salivary glands don’t function properly. And on top of that, I have really weak teeth.

Mom: They’re like little pieces of chalk.

Paul: Mom, they’re not that soft. I’m not a baby.

Karen: Paul, you never told me about this.

Paul: Are you sure? I- I could have sworn I told you.

Karen: No, Paul, you didn’t tell me. I think I would have remembered if you’d told me your father chews your food for you and spits it up into your mouth!

Mom: Do you need some butter, Karen?

Dad: I know I do. (butters his bread)

Paul: Karen, did we not have a wonderful first date?

Karen: Well… yes, it was great. It’s just that, you know, right now I’m feeling incredibly uncomfortable.

Dad: Well you’re going to feel even more uncomfortable if you miss out on this delicious sourdough. Paul?

Paul: Yeah.

(DAD spits bread into his mouth)

Karen: Ok, isn’t there any other way you guys can do that?

Dad: He’s got no saliva!

Paul: Dad, don’t ruin this.

Dad: No, Paul, I’m not going to ruin anything, but I get tired of this! Now Karen, do you have any idea how many women Paul has brought here for dinner that just turn around and run through that front door after the first regurgitation! But you’ve stayed! You’ve stayed for three!

Paul: Dad, please!

Dad: It needs to be said, son. There’s something special about you, Karen. I could tell it when I shook your hand. But maybe I was wrong.

Nathan: (entering) Mommy, Mommy! Joey’s dad took me to McDonald’s and he got me an apple pie!

Mom: Oh, that’s great honey!

Nathan: Hi, I’m Nathan, I’m Paul’s little brother. Hi, Paul.

Karen: Hi, Nathan, I’m Karen.

Nathan: Mommy, can I have some of my apple pie now?

Mom: Sure, sweety. Of course, yeah. (moves to bite the pie)

Nathan: No, no, I want Karen to chew it. Will Karen chew my apple pie for me?

Mom: Honey, you’re going to have to ask Karen that.

Nathan: Karen, would you… would you chew my pie for me?

(Aimee Mann’s “Wise Up” plays, over close-ups on everyone)

Karen: Nathan… I would love to chew this apple pie for you. (bites apple pie, chews it up, spits it into NATHAN’s mouth)

Nathan: Yay, yay! Apple pie!

Paul: Karen, I think I’m falling in love with you.

Karen: Oh, me too! Let’s have some dessert!

(KAREN chews more pie and feeds it to PAUL by making out with him)

Submitted by: David Faraci

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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Rich Farr
Rich Farr
4 years ago

would love to know who wrote this sketch. It’s crazy!

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