Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 12
The Bloder Brothers
Kip Bloder…..Jimmy Fallon
Wayne Bloder…..Chris Parnell
[FADE IN on carports with MARRIOTT MARQUIS HOTEL printed on the side of each awning. FADE to the empty bar. Clair, the bartender is wiping down the bar when Cindy walks in smoking a cigarette.]
Clair: Hi. What can I get you?
Cindy: [quickly] Mandarin Cosmopolitan–you know what, make it two of em.
Clair: Long day?
Cindy: [sounding stressed out] I just spent eight hours sitting through a realty workshop.
Clair: Ughhh. Sounds rough. I tell you what, Ill give you two, all right? Theyre both on me. My names Clair, if you need anything.
Cindy: [smiles] Oh, thanks, Im Cindy.
Clair: Nice to meet you.
[CUT back to a wider shot of the bar. Two dorky-looking young men have suddenly appeared sitting very low at the bar to Cindys right. Both have very curly hair; one wears a suit, and the other a dark orange sweater.]
Wayne: Uh, we couldnt help overhearing you order a Mandarin Cosmopolitan?
Kip: Uh, we were thinking about ordering one, too–uh, hope its a drink!
[Both men laugh stupidly for a long moment.]
Wayne: I hope its not a new car. [both laugh] Im already driving a piña colada.
[They keep laughing as Cindy smokes her cigarette and stares at them in disbelief.]
Kip: My names Kip Bloder, this is my brother Wayne.
Cindy: [dryly] That would make you the Bloder brothers.
[Both of them again laugh stupidly.]
Wayne: We got a live one here–not like the ones in our basement.
Kip: Dont be afraid. [laughs]
Wayne: Be VERY afraid. [laughs]
Kip: No, really, dont be afraid, uh, were only kidding.
Wayne: Or ARE we?
Clair: Wayne, Kip, why dont you leave the lady alone?
Cindy: Oh, dont worry, Clair. I dont think these Muppets here could hurt me.
[The brothers laugh as if shocked by her words.]
Kip: Well, I, for one, just changed my name to Elmo. Tickle me… [laughs]
Wayne: Uh, can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Kip: No, but I can tell you how to get to Insult Boulevard. [points in Cindys direction] Its right over there. [both laugh]
Wayne: Good one.
[The brothers continue to laugh annoyingly.]
Wayne: Uh, I think overheard you tell the bartender your name is Cindy?
Cindy: [snuffs out cigarette] Uh, yeah, thats right, but why dont you just refer to me as not in a million years?
[Brothers laugh loudly]
Wayne: I felt that one. Put your gloves down, Cassius Clay!
Cindy: [grinning] Im going for the knockout!
Kip: You are already a knockout!
[Amazingly, Cindy joins in and laughs as hard the the brothers.]
Cindy: Oh, God. I didnt think I was gonna laugh tonight!
Kip: Want another laugh? Guess what we do for a living.
Cindy: Well, it cant be as boring as real estate. Go ahead.
Wayne: Uh, buckle up, here it comes. [laughs]
Kip: We calibrate thermostats for industrial refrigerators.
Cindy: [raises finger in air] Ding, ding, ding, I think we have a winner!
[All laugh heartily]
Cindy: Or, should I say, losah!
Brothers: [in unison] HI-HO!!
[Cindy reaches over and digs in her box of cigarettes, but it is empty.]
Cindy: Oh, hey, I gotta go get more cigarettes, Ill be right back. [walks off behind brothers] Why dont you watch my seat?
[Now genuinely surprised, the brothers laugh and look at each other in disbelief.]
Clair: Boy, you guys, this is the longest time a woman has ever talked to you!
Wayne: Hey, I dont care whose dream it is, dont wake me!
Kip: [points to himself] More sleeping pills, please! [laughs]
Wayne: Hey, if I do wake up, please hit me with a mallet! [laughs]
[Cindy walks back in with a fresh pack of cigarettes.]
Cindy: Ohhh, Im back. I hope you dont mind if I smoke. [lights a cigarette]
Wayne: Um, youre ALREADY smokin.
[Both brothers snicker for a long moment.]
Kip: [pointing toward his throat] Im suffering from smoke INHALATION.
Cindy: [flirtatiously] Want me to give you some mouth-to-mouth?
Wayne: [momentarily nonchalant] Uh, you are, youre one hot realtor, Cindy.
Cindy: [suggestively] Hey… what do you say we check out my room upstairs, huh?
[The brothers are stunned to silence.]
Wayne: Uh, Ill, Ill show you my piece of land if you show me yours.
Cindy: Lets go!
[The brothers laugh nervously.]
Cindy: Lets go up to my room. Come on, Ive got a minibar… [in a husky, sexy voice] Well smoke some pot…
[The brothers appear mortified.]
Wayne: Uh, uh, uh, unfortunately, uh, we left all our pots in the kitchen.
Cindy: Come on, lets take the party upstairs. I mean, isnt that where all this is heading anyway?
[The brothers fidget silently.]
Cindy: [a bit pleadingly] Lets go!
Kip: Go, go, Gadget.
Cindy: [losing patience] Thats so lame, you two are shaking like a leaf! I mean, come on, are we going or not?
Wayne: Uh, knock, knock, whos there?
Cindy: I cant believe this. [rises to leave] Bad Day, Part 2: I cant even get laid by the Bloder brothers!
[Cindy stalks out of the bar.]
Clair: Nice work, gents! The earth just, uh, collided with Mars, a pig just flew by, and hell just froze over! You BLEW it, losers!
Kip: [teasingly] Why dont you tell us what you REALLY feel?
[They begin to laugh as before.]
Wayne: I mean, we like things fast, but that was the Indy 500!
[The brothers laugh again for a moment, and then grimace in unison and begin to cry softly. They alternate laughing and crying for a moment.]
Wayne: Hey, Clair, could you call our dad and ask him to come pick us up, please?
[They keep laughing and crying by turns. FADE to black over cheers and applause.]
Submitted by: Joe Cornfield