Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 12
The Bloder Brothers
Kip Bloder…..Jimmy Fallon
Wayne Bloder…..Chris Parnell
Clair: Hi. What can I get you?
Cindy: [quickly] Mandarin Cosmopolitan–you know what, make it two of em.
Clair: Long day?
Cindy: [sounding stressed out] I just spent eight hours sitting through a realty workshop.
Clair: Ughhh. Sounds rough. I tell you what, Ill give you two, all right? Theyre both on me. My names Clair, if you need anything.
Cindy: [smiles] Oh, thanks, Im Cindy.
Clair: Nice to meet you.[CUT back to a wider shot of the bar. Two dorky-looking young men have suddenly appeared sitting very low at the bar to Cindys right. Both have very curly hair; one wears a suit, and the other a dark orange sweater.]
Wayne: Uh, we couldnt help overhearing you order a Mandarin Cosmopolitan?
Kip: Uh, we were thinking about ordering one, too–uh, hope its a drink![Both men laugh stupidly for a long moment.]
Wayne: I hope its not a new car. [both laugh] Im already driving a piña colada.[They keep laughing as Cindy smokes her cigarette and stares at them in disbelief.]
Kip: My names Kip Bloder, this is my brother Wayne.
Cindy: [dryly] That would make you the Bloder brothers.[Both of them again laugh stupidly.]
Wayne: We got a live one here–not like the ones in our basement.[forced laughter]
Kip: Dont be afraid. [laughs]
Wayne: Be VERY afraid. [laughs]
Kip: No, really, dont be afraid, uh, were only kidding.
Wayne: Or ARE we?[forced laughter]
Clair: Wayne, Kip, why dont you leave the lady alone?
Cindy: Oh, dont worry, Clair. I dont think these Muppets here could hurt me.[The brothers laugh as if shocked by her words.]
Kip: Well, I, for one, just changed my name to Elmo. Tickle me… [laughs]
Wayne: Uh, can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Kip: No, but I can tell you how to get to Insult Boulevard. [points in Cindys direction] Its right over there. [both laugh]
Wayne: Good one.[The brothers continue to laugh annoyingly.]
Wayne: Uh, I think overheard you tell the bartender your name is Cindy?
Cindy: [snuffs out cigarette] Uh, yeah, thats right, but why dont you just refer to me as not in a million years?[Brothers laugh loudly]
Wayne: I felt that one. Put your gloves down, Cassius Clay!
Cindy: [grinning] Im going for the knockout!
Kip: You are already a knockout![Amazingly, Cindy joins in and laughs as hard the the brothers.]
Cindy: Oh, God. I didnt think I was gonna laugh tonight!
Kip: Want another laugh? Guess what we do for a living.
Cindy: Well, it cant be as boring as real estate. Go ahead.
Wayne: Uh, buckle up, here it comes. [laughs]
Kip: We calibrate thermostats for industrial refrigerators.
Cindy: [raises finger in air] Ding, ding, ding, I think we have a winner![All laugh heartily]
Cindy: Or, should I say, losah!
Brothers: [in unison] HI-HO!![Cindy reaches over and digs in her box of cigarettes, but it is empty.]
Cindy: Oh, hey, I gotta go get more cigarettes, Ill be right back. [walks off behind brothers] Why dont you watch my seat?[Now genuinely surprised, the brothers laugh and look at each other in disbelief.]
Clair: Boy, you guys, this is the longest time a woman has ever talked to you!
Wayne: Hey, I dont care whose dream it is, dont wake me!
Kip: [points to himself] More sleeping pills, please! [laughs]
Wayne: Hey, if I do wake up, please hit me with a mallet! [laughs][Cindy walks back in with a fresh pack of cigarettes.]
Cindy: Ohhh, Im back. I hope you dont mind if I smoke. [lights a cigarette]
Wayne: Um, youre ALREADY smokin.[Both brothers snicker for a long moment.]
Kip: [pointing toward his throat] Im suffering from smoke INHALATION.
Cindy: [flirtatiously] Want me to give you some mouth-to-mouth?[All laugh]
Wayne: [momentarily nonchalant] Uh, you are, youre one hot realtor, Cindy.
Cindy: [suggestively] Hey… what do you say we check out my room upstairs, huh?[The brothers are stunned to silence.]
Wayne: Uh, Ill, Ill show you my piece of land if you show me yours.
Cindy: Lets go![The brothers laugh nervously.]
Cindy: Lets go up to my room. Come on, Ive got a minibar… [in a husky, sexy voice] Well smoke some pot…[The brothers appear mortified.]
Wayne: Uh, uh, uh, unfortunately, uh, we left all our pots in the kitchen.
Cindy: Come on, lets take the party upstairs. I mean, isnt that where all this is heading anyway?[The brothers fidget silently.]
Cindy: [a bit pleadingly] Lets go!
Kip: Go, go, Gadget.
Cindy: [losing patience] Thats so lame, you two are shaking like a leaf! I mean, come on, are we going or not?
Wayne: Uh, knock, knock, whos there?
Cindy: I cant believe this. [rises to leave] Bad Day, Part 2: I cant even get laid by the Bloder brothers![Cindy stalks out of the bar.]
Clair: Nice work, gents! The earth just, uh, collided with Mars, a pig just flew by, and hell just froze over! You BLEW it, losers!
Kip: [teasingly] Why dont you tell us what you REALLY feel?[They begin to laugh as before.]
Wayne: I mean, we like things fast, but that was the Indy 500![The brothers laugh again for a moment, and then grimace in unison and begin to cry softly. They alternate laughing and crying for a moment.]
Wayne: Hey, Clair, could you call our dad and ask him to come pick us up, please?[They keep laughing and crying by turns. FADE to black over cheers and applause.]
Submitted by: Joe Cornfield