Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25 Episode 12
Steve Irwin…..Chris Kattan
Terri Irwin…..Julianna Margulies
Terri: [narrating in a hushed voice] At almost 2000 feet, Oregons Crater Lake is not only the nations deepest lake, but one of the most beautiful. Today, on Crocodile Hunter, my husband Steve and I will experience the wondrous animals of Oregon.[SUPERIMPOSE The Crocodile Hunter, with Steve and Terri Taylor over a bear fishing in a river. FADE to Steve and Terri standing on a forest set and wearing identical khaki outfits.]
Steve: [in a wildly exaggerated Australian accent] GOODAY!!! Welcome to Crocodile Hunter, where we explore the wonders of WILLOIFE! Im here with m wife Terri!
Terri: [grinning broadly and waving] Hi! Steve, what are you gonna surprise us with today?[Steve picks up a long snake as a rattle effect is heard.]
Steve: Ohhhhhhhhhh, looka this beauty here, Terri, huh?
Terri: [grinning] Oh, thats a timber rattlesnake!
Steve: It sure is! Now, a rattlesnakes VEEEEEEEEENOMOUS.[Audience laughs as Steve holds the snake out at arms length.]
Steve: So it commands respect. Yeah, but looka his nice BODY structure, WOW. Nice, solid…[The snake turns and bites him on the right wrist. Blood and venom go splattering into the air.]
Steve: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! OWWWWWWWWWW!!![Terri continues grinning as Steve writhes in pain and finally pulls the snake off his wrist, which splatters blood all over both their khaki suits.]
Steve: [smiling] THE BLOKE BIT ME!! [cackles]
Terri: Whoa, Steve, looks like that rattler gotcha pretty good!
Steve: [glances at his spurting wound] Yeah, he sure did, didnt he?!
Terri: Natures strong.
Steve: Yeahhhhh![FADE to the opening footage of rugged mountains.]
Terri: [narrating] Steve lost an awful lot of blood, but after I sucked the venom out of his hand, we settled down to a nice picnic lunch of Oregon berries and fresh farm milk, which Steve had a little trouble keeping down. [snickers] I guess there was still some poison in his system. But then we were off and ready to continue searching for more wildlife.[Mountain lions are seen prancing across a meadow, and then CUT to Steve holding a hawk in his left hand. Blood spots can still be seen on his shirt.]
Steve: Now, this Coopers Hawk is one of th reasons Ive traveled so far to come to th United STETES!!! [laughter] Im FASCINTD b BERDS!!! Specially Hawks! Go ahead, feed em, Terri![PAN over to Terri dangling a chunk of raw meat in her left hand.]
Terri: Oh, hes beauuuutifuuuul![PAN back to Steve.]
Steve: Yeah, he sure is, WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOA! Looka those WINGS!! Now, ever days a good day when youre a HAWK![PAN back to Terri dangling the chunk of meat.]
Terri: Come on, hawk! Come on!
Steve: Cmon, baby. Cmon.[PAN back to Steve.]
Steve: Fly over there! Thats it! Go on! Go on![The hawk leans forward and bites Steve on his left ear.]
Steve: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!![PAN back to Terri as she calmly puts down the meat and looks over to her husband.]
Steve: [off camera] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!![She waves the chunk of meat in the air for another brief moment.]
Terri: Bye, hawk![PAN back to Steve as Terri walks over and examines him. Bright blood has cascaded over his left shoulder, but he grins crazily at the camera.]
Steve: Good Lordy, that hurt, Terri!!
Terri: Wow! Steve, youre bleeding again.
Steve: [cackling] AM I? I SURE AM! Looka that! [bends down] Check this out! [holds up a dark red slice] He tooka m left ear completely off m FACE!![laughter]
Steve: This thing aint comin back on, huh, Terri?[Steve raises the ear and tosses it up into the air.]
Steve: Here you go, little fella![sound effect of a loud squawk]
Steve: Whaaaaaw! [looks down to side] Whatcha got there, Terri? Whoooooooooa.[Terri is seen holding up a frog in the palm of her hand. They both grin over it.]
Terri: Ohhhh, look! Its a beautiful American bullfrog!
Steve: Look at the way his beauty is…[The frog suddenly squirts clear fluid directly into his left eye.]
Steve: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! He just sprayed poisonous venom in m EYYYYYE! He didnt give me a chance to TALK about im, Terri! Feels like someone just pissed hot lava in my eye!
Terri: [gleeful] Oh, this is great stuff, Steve! Im having such a fun time! [jumps up and down]
Steve: Ah, yeah! Me too! It sure is! I tell ya, this venom is really doin a number on m BODY. In fact, my internal organs are liquifying AS we speak. This is gonna go down as th HOIGHLOIGHT of m LOIFE!!![The frog squirts more venom into his face.]
Steve: AAAAAAAAAAA!! Whered that come from?! This IS spontaneous!
Terri: [laughing] Oh, Steve, Im so happy for you!
Steve: Yeah, Im on cloud nine right now! [to camera] Well, thats all the time we got on Crackadile Huner!
Terri: [laughing] Goodbye!
Steve: Buh-BYE![SUPERIMPOSE The Crocodile Hunter, with Steve and Terri Irvin over the two of them talking animatedly as the audience applauds. FADE to black.]
Submitted by: Sean