Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 12
E! News Daily
Steve Kmetko…..Will Ferrell
Jules Asner…..Cheri Oteri
Donatella Versace…..Molly Shannon
Elton John…..Horatio Sanz
Elizabeth Hurley…..Julianna Margulies
[FADE IN on the spinning E! logo, then FADE to a stark, white studio with two commentators sitting on stools.]
Steve Kmetko: Welcome to E! News Daily. Im Steve Kmetko.
Jules Asner: And Im Jules Asner. Coming up today on E! News Daily, find out what Anna Nicole Smith is planning to do next. Heres a hint: you can smell it. But first… [laughter] ..but first, more of our exclusive coverage of Fashion Week.
Steve Kmetko: [in a clipped, fey voice] Its Fashion Week again. The week when the worlds top fashion designers decide what seven rich people will wear this season. To get an insiders preview of the Versace 2000 collection, I spent the week with Donatella Versace at her headquarters in Milan.
Jules Asner: [pretending to banter] Rough assignment.
Steve Kmetko: Mm, TELL me about it.
Jules Asner: [snickers] You poor thing.
Steve Kmetko: I barely survived.
Jules Asner: Oh, I feel real sorry for you.
Steve Kmetko: [snaps] Are you screwing with me? Cause I will have you fired so frickin fast!
Jules Asner: [shocked] I, I thought we were bantering… back and forth… fun bantering.[CUT to Kate Moss and several other models parading down the runway of a fashion show.]
Steve Kmetko: [off camera] Versace. The name means sex, skin, and rock n roll glamour. And no one epitomizes that spirit more than Donatella Versace herself.[FADE to Donatella in her studio. In a skimpy green dress, she stands and sensuously rubs Luca, a shirtless male model in black leather pants who stretches out on her desk.]
Donatella Versace: [in pronounced Italian accent] My philosophy is that the fashion should be SEXY, you know? Like, I feel inspired by everything which I see, you know. [slaps his stomach] Hop up. More champagne, more champagne, please, very good, come on.[Luca stands up and walks dutifully away, and Donatella spanks him as he leaves.]
Donatella Versace: I see, like, for example, my, my dog. She get a little ear infection, so she wear the big cone collar. And I look at this collar and I think, So SEXY, so what do I do? I make one for Courtney Love![FADE to a still photo of Courtney Love at an awards ceremony with a dog collar pictured around her neck. FADE back to Versace Headquarters, where Donatella briefly picks up her cigarette but sets it down without smoking it.]
Donatella Versace: You know, eh, basically, everywhere I look, I see a type of design, you know? Like, ahhhh… [picks up a yellow trimline phone] …like this phone, for example. You see, so smooth, so sexy, you know, you make a little suit. [shouts to side] You know what? Make this phone into a dress! Make this! Make this![She yanks the phone cord out and throws it off toward the side, and then CUT to still shots of Naomi Campbell, Madonna, and Tina Turner.]
Steve Kmetko: When celebrities want to make a memorable entrance, they go straight to the House of Versace. Donatellas clients include actors, rock superstars, AND Elton John.
Elton John: Donatella designs everything I own. She does all my suits. She designed a leather tuxedo for my Yorkie. She did a beautiful line of zebra-print after-sex towels for me cause Im sloppy. I wrote this song for her.[A piano melody starts up which sounds vaguely like Candle in the Wind.]
Elton John: [singing]Donatella, Miss Versace,
Promise me youll always stay Italian.
Youre a golden lady,
With hair like spaghetti,
Youre a candle in the wind,
Wait, Ive used that already.
Steve Kmetko: The day before her new collection debuts, Donatellas office is all abuzz with last-minute fittings AND nervous energy.[FADE back to Versace Headquarters, where Donatella stands next to Elizabeth Hurley, who is holding a flute of champagne, smoking a cigarette and wearing a long purple dress with the receiver of the yellow telephone attached right above her breasts.]
Donatella Versace: Miss Hurley is the perfect model for my dresses.
Elizabeth Hurley: [in a flawless English accent] I love these clothes. Because theyre so naughty. Its like wearing a spanking. [sips champagne]
Donatella Versace: The dresses fit her perfectly because of these beautiful teh-tahs. [cups Elizabeths breasts] Oh, I love them! Theyre gorgeous! I LOVE them, Elizabeth.
Elizabeth Hurley: Ive got nice teh-tahs.[A phone suddenly beeps.]
Elizabeth Hurley: Oh! Is that my rack ringing?[Luca walks up with a tiny cell phone and hands it to Donatella.]
Donatella Versace: Alo? Ah, Madonna! Ciao! Que va? [grabs Lucas butt and holds onto it] Ja. Oh, ja. No.
Elizabeth Hurley: I find her clothes quite witty. For example, this phone frock is combination. You see, my teh-tahs are talking to each other on the telephone! [smiles deliciously]
Donatella Versace: [into phone] Eh, Madonna. No, dont take sperm from him. No, I get you good sperm, okay? [puts down phone] Ah, good. Ja. Luca? Ah.
Donatella Versace: Go make a nice sperm. Put it. Go make a nice one. [She spanks him again on his way out.]
Elizabeth Hurley: God, Im starving. Is there any more champagne?[CUT to Kate Moss and others walking down the runway.]
Steve Kmetko: [off camera] When all was said and done, the Versace Collection was a smash, and Donatella was very pleased.
Donatella Versace: [off camera] Come on, walk like the sexy hookers.[FADE back to Steve and Jules in the studio.]
Jules Asner: Wow, Ill bet Italy was great.
Steve Kmetko: Oh, that is it. Dont you EVER talk to me like that again!
Jules Asner: [shocked] Steve, I was just trying to–
Steve Kmetko: WHAT?
Jules Asner: Wha–
Steve Kmetko: You WHAT?!
Jules Asner: Nothing.
Steve Kmetko: [belligerently] Go ahead, Jules Asner! Its your line! Intro your segment! INTRO it! [pushes her in the face with two fingers]
Jules Asner: [fighting tears] Steve, why are… why are… [quavering] How does Sarah Michelle Gellar make spinach dip? Well find out, after this break.
Steve Kmetko: [appalled] Oh, my God![He pushes the side of Juless head, and she tips off her stool. FADE quickly to the E! logo, then FADE to black over applause.]
Submitted by: Joe Cornfield