SNL Transcripts: Julianne Margulies: 02/12/00: Erectile Dysfunction Ad


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25 Episode 12

99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

Erectile Dysfunction Ad

Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Doug Anthony Kimbles…..Will Ferrell
Director…..Tim Meadows
Microphone Man…..Horatio Sanz
Hannah…..Julianna Margulies

[FADE IN on a closeup of Doug’s face looking down at the floor in despair as a few melodramatic piano notes are heard in the background. ZOOM OUT very slowly to show him wearing a yellow sweater and reading a copy of “Forbes” magazine.]

Announcer: This is the face of erectile dysfunction. It’s a personal and embarrassing problem. You walk around feeling like a loser. Maybe you’re gay. Maybe you’re a eunuch. Or a wuss. Maybe you’re just a goon with a limp noodle hanging between your legs.

Doug: [in disgust] All right, all right, that’s enough!

Director: Cut!

[CUT to a wider shot as the director walks up to Doug.]

Director: Um, what’s the problem, Doug?

Doug: [anxiously] Is that what the commercial’s gonna say?

Director: Well, um, we’re still trying some different, you know, versions, but I wanted you to hear it so you can play off of it.

Doug: It seems pretty harsh.

Director: Well, it’s not about you, no. It’s about the disorder and how to treat it.

Doug: All right.

Director: Okay?

Doug: I’m sorry. I overreacted.

Director: [pats his shoulder] That’s okay, it’s okay. [turns back and claps hands] All right, come on, let’s go back to one, people! Roll playback!

[CUT to closeup of an electronic slate.]

Director: All right, people! And… action!

[The slate is pulled away to reveal Doug’s pensive face again.]

Announcer: [over piano notes] This is the face of erectile dysfunction. Look at it. It’s not pretty. All hang-dog and sad. Goofy-ass ears. Who does he think he’s kidding? He might as well tuck that sad weiner of his between his thighs and start wearing a dress. You know, he’s in bars, talking all big, like, “Hey, I’m a commercial actor. My name’s Doug, and–”

Doug: Okay, come on!

Director: Cut! [walks up to him] Doug, what’s the problem? That was a great take!

Doug: The voiceover guy used my real name!

Director: What? Like Robert DeNiro never plays a character named Rob?

Doug: No, it just seems slightly personal!

Director: Doug, Doug, it’s not!

Doug: All right.

Director: Okay?

Doug: Okay.

Director: [turning back] Okay, c’mon, let’s shoot this, people! We’re gonna lose the magic hour!

Microphone Man: We’re inside!

Director: [consults a clock hanging around his neck] Yeah, right, okay, ready, people! And, action!

[CUT back to Doug’s closeup.]

Announcer: [over piano notes] This is the face of erectile dysfunction. Doug. Doug’s got a droopy old ding-dong. I’m talking, “bl-o-o-oo.” This guy couldn’t even satisfy Mrs. Roper. You don’t believe me? Ask his girlfriend Hannah.

[ENTER Hannah from the left. She stands behind Doug and addresses the camera self-concsciously.]

Hannah: Doug can’t satisfy me. He’s very delicate and frightened in bed.

Doug: Hannah, what the hell are you doing here?

Hannah: The director said you wanted me here.

Doug: [throws down magazine] Son of a BITCH!

Director: CUT!

[Losing his patience, the director stalks up to him.]

Director: Listen, Doug! Maybe I am a son of a bitch, but I heard that you were a real ACTOR. I wanted to, you know, to challenge you with reality.

Doug: [calmly] I, I AM a real actor.

Director: What?

Doug: [agitated] I AM a real actor!!

Director: [pumped] All RIGHT, then, let’s DO this, people!! [reaches out to rub Hannah’s arm] And Hannah. You look great.

Hannah: [giggles in delight] Thank you.

Director: Yeah, good job. [claps hands] Let’s get playback ready, people! [sits back down in chair]

Microphone Man: Hey, uh… Director: [impatiently] What?

Microphone Man: The whole crew asked me to ask you if you could please, uh, stop calling us “people.”

Director: [stares at him] Sorry. It’s my signature. And action, PEOPLE!!

[CUT back to Doug’s closeup.]

Announcer: [over piano notes] This is the face of erectile dysfunction. His name is Doug Kimbles. He’s got big-time Nerf in his shorts. And he can’t even blame it on booze. He’s a commercial actor here in L.A., and his home phone is 1-310-555-0187.

Doug: [furious] HEY!!!

Director: [off camera] BE AN ACTOR!!!

[ENTER Hannah.]

Announcer: [over piano notes] That’s his girfriend Hannah. She’s a hot little number who likes jogging in those tight bicycle pants. Hey, Hannah, what’s the worst part about being with half a man?

Hannah: I guess it’s when… I don’t know how to say this, um… when his Jimmy-stick gets all limp like a turkey neck, and then he cries, and it’s so high-pitched, and unnatural.

Announcer: Doug? What was the most embarrassing time you ever had with a woman? And would you please state your full name and look directly into camera?

Doug: [slowly] My name is Doug Anthony Kimbles. One time… I was with Hannah at the beach–

Hannah: [in horror] Oh, no, don’t, please don’t tell this one.

Announcer: TELL IT!

[The microphone screeches and rings.]

Doug: It was the afternoon, and we snuck off behind a lifeguard tower, and…

[Doug gasps once and starts crying in a high-pitched, unnatural voice. Hannah sobs in agony over his shoulder.]

Doug: [sobbing] I couldn’t do it! And when I pulled away, there were about thirty people watching!

Hannah: [clasps his shoulder] Oh, no-oo-ooo!

Doug: They all started laughing, and then I just ran down the beach with my pants around my ankles, it was awful!

Announcer: [over piano notes] This must be really hard for YOU, Hannah.

Hannah: It is!

Announcer: I’m guessing you’re a Scorpio. Am I right?

Hannah: [crying] I’m a Taurus, but that was close!

Announcer: Hey: what say we hit a potato bar and then go for a drive up the coast?

Hannah: [suddenly calm] Yeah, okay. [walks off]

Doug: [shrilly] BABY!

Director: [off camera] Very good, Doug, I know that was hard. Now, roll the product ID!

Announcer: [in a huskier voice] When life’s screwed up like this, reach for a Tootsie Roll!

[SUPERIMPOSE the caption “Tootsie Roll” underneath a dancing Tootsie Roll man and play happy electronic music.]

Announcer: Tootsie Roll! It can always get you roarin’!

[HOLD on Doug looking around in consternation, then FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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