Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 12
Julianna Margulies’ Monologue
Dr. Mathaway…..Julianna Margulies
Pet Owner…..Chris Parnell
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Julianna Margulies![PAN down from the blinking ON AIR light to center stage, where Julianna walks out and acknowledges applause. She wears a red-orange turtleneck sweater and brown leather pants.]
Julianna Margulies: Thank you very much, thank you! Ohhh! I cant tell you how happy I am to be hosting Saturday Night Live!! [cheers and applause] As most of you know, this is my last season on ER.[The audience goes awwww in disappointment, and she smiles, flattered.]
Julianna Margulies: Thanks! Thats nice. Dont get me wrong, I really do love doing the show, but you know… [sounding stressed] After six years, I cannot tell you how wonderful it will be not to have to say: Possible venticular tagurhythmia, parenteral lavage, BP 180 over 100, Ladocaine 20 milligrams I.V.![She spins her finger and rolls her eyes as audience applauds.]
Julianna Margulies: They did, um, they did offer me quite a lot of money to stay on the show, and I turned them down, and many of you may think that Im crazy, you know, but for me, life is all about taking risks and challenging yourself. [grins] So Im doing a brand-new series on NBC. I hope you love it as much as I do. Okay? [pauses in anticipation] Heres a new clip of my show![FADE to the opening sequence of ER, then SUPERIMPOSE caption, er: special veterinary unit. CUT to a full-sized gurney being wheeled into a frantic emergency room. A small guinea pig lies motionless on the gurney with corn chips sprinkled around him an I.V. inserted in its body.]
Dr. Mathaway: All right, here we are. Nice and easy, nice and easy. On my count: One… two… three.[They gingerly lift the stretcher onto the bed.]
Dr. Mathaway: [putting on stethoscope] All right. Prep him. Give me his vitals.
Owner: [fearfully] His name is Peanuts!
Nurse: He went from a Grade-A pulse to a flat line. Lets get these chips off him!
Owner: He looked hungry, so I fed him some of my cajun pizza!
Nurse: [points to pet owner] All right, get him out of here!! Somebody get him out!![Two orderlies hustle the owner out.]
Dr. Mathaway: Possible venticular tagurhythmia, prep for parenteral lavage, BP 180 over 100, Ladocaine 20 milligrams I.V. Give me the paddles![An orderly hands her two black plastic paddles.]
Dr. Mathaway: 60 volts! [places paddles on guinea pig] And clear![When they turn on the juice, Peanuts jumps about two feet off the gurney and flops back down.]
Nurse: All right, stand by the paddles, were going again.
Dr. Mathaway: No, no. Just wait… [intensely] I got a pulse.[Peanuts gasps for breath.]
Nurse: Shes got a pulse![FADE abruptly back to the studio, where Julianna acknowledges riotous applause.]
Julianna Margulies: Its a good show! Thank you, thank you! Thanks so much! You know, this new project means so much to me.[CUT to a thirty-ish woman standing up in the audience.]
Woman: Excuse me, uh, I have a question.
Julianna Margulies: [looking askance at her] Um, I didnt realize an audience member was gonna ask me a question in the middle of my monologue.
Audience member: Well, Im not an audience member, Im a writer on the show. I wrote what Im saying right now.
Julianna Margulies: Okay. Uh, whats your question?
Audience member: [in a seasoned reporters voice] From the clip, it looks like youre playing exactly the same character that you did on ER. I mean, wheres the risk, the challenge?
Julianna Margulies: [annoyed] Um, okay. A: shes wearing a WHITE doctor coat, not a pink one. Moron. And hello-oo, shes a vet! I mean, its a completely different show. God! Take a look at another clip. [muttering] Jackass…[FADE to Dr. Mathaway as she finishes examining a boa constrictor. An owl looks down from a perch above her, and a huge dog watches from a bed.]
Dr. Mathaway: Manuel? You are a great vet, but youre not God. You cant make these life-and-death decisions on your own. Do you understand?[CUT to Manuel wearing a doctors coat and a very cheesy fake Mexican mustache which curls up on the ends.]
Manuel: Sì. Yo comprendo, doctora Mathaway. [sidles up to her] Yo quienso que quizas te amo.[They embrace and lean in to kiss.]
Voice: Code blue. Trauma three. Code blue.[They break their embrace and rush away as a horse whinnies off camera. FADE quickly back to studio and cheers.]
Julianna Margulie: You see, lady? We have such a great show for you tonight! DMX is here! [audience cheers] So stick around, well be right back![ZOOM out on Julianna clapping along with audience, then FADE to black.]
Submitted by: Joe Cornfield