SNL Transcripts: Julianne Margulies: 02/12/00: Julianna Margulies’ Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 12

99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

Julianna Margulies’ Monologue

Dr. Mathaway…..Julianna Margulies
Nurse…..Cheri Oteri
Pet Owner…..Chris Parnell
Manuel…..Noah Wylie

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Julianna Margulies!

[PAN down from the blinking “ON AIR” light to center stage, where Julianna walks out and acknowledges applause. She wears a red-orange turtleneck sweater and brown leather pants.]

Julianna Margulies: Thank you very much, thank you! Ohhh! I can’t tell you how happy I am to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”!! [cheers and applause] As most of you know, this is my last season on “ER.”

[The audience goes “awwww” in disappointment, and she smiles, flattered.]

Julianna Margulies: Thanks! That’s nice. Don’t get me wrong, I really do love doing the show, but you know… [sounding stressed] After six years, I cannot tell you how wonderful it will be not to have to say: “Possible venticular tagurhythmia, parenteral lavage, BP 180 over 100, Ladocaine 20 milligrams I.V.!”

[She spins her finger and rolls her eyes as audience applauds.]

Julianna Margulies: They did, um, they did offer me quite a lot of money to stay on the show, and I turned them down, and many of you may think that I’m crazy, you know, but for me, life is all about taking risks and challenging yourself. [grins] So I’m doing a brand-new series on NBC. I hope you love it as much as I do. Okay? [pauses in anticipation] Here’s a new clip of my show!

[FADE to the opening sequence of “ER,” then SUPERIMPOSE caption, “er: special veterinary unit.” CUT to a full-sized gurney being wheeled into a frantic emergency room. A small guinea pig lies motionless on the gurney with corn chips sprinkled around him an I.V. inserted in its body.]

Dr. Mathaway: All right, here we are. Nice and easy, nice and easy. On my count: One… two… three.

[They gingerly lift the stretcher onto the bed.]

Dr. Mathaway: [putting on stethoscope] All right. Prep him. Give me his vitals.

Owner: [fearfully] His name is Peanuts!

Nurse: He went from a Grade-A pulse to a flat line. Let’s get these chips off him!

Owner: He looked hungry, so I fed him some of my cajun pizza!

Nurse: [points to pet owner] All right, get him out of here!! Somebody get him out!!

[Two orderlies hustle the owner out.]

Dr. Mathaway: Possible venticular tagurhythmia, prep for parenteral lavage, BP 180 over 100, Ladocaine 20 milligrams I.V. Give me the paddles!

[An orderly hands her two black plastic paddles.]

Dr. Mathaway: 60 volts! [places paddles on guinea pig] And clear!

[When they turn on the juice, Peanuts jumps about two feet off the gurney and flops back down.]

Nurse: All right, stand by the paddles, we’re going again.

Dr. Mathaway: No, no. Just wait… [intensely] I got a pulse.

[Peanuts gasps for breath.]

Nurse: She’s got a pulse!

[FADE abruptly back to the studio, where Julianna acknowledges riotous applause.]

Julianna Margulies: It’s a good show! Thank you, thank you! Thanks so much! You know, this new project means so much to me.

[CUT to a thirty-ish woman standing up in the audience.]

Woman: Excuse me, uh, I have a question.

Julianna Margulies: [looking askance at her] Um, I didn’t realize an audience member was gonna ask me a question in the middle of my monologue.

Audience member: Well, I’m not an audience member, I’m a writer on the show. I wrote what I’m saying right now.

Julianna Margulies: Okay. Uh, what’s your question?

Audience member: [in a seasoned reporter’s voice] From the clip, it looks like you’re playing exactly the same character that you did on “ER.” I mean, where’s the risk, the challenge?

Julianna Margulies: [annoyed] Um, okay. A: she’s wearing a WHITE doctor coat, not a pink one. Moron. And hello-oo, she’s a vet! I mean, it’s a completely different show. God! Take a look at another clip. [muttering] Jackass…

[FADE to Dr. Mathaway as she finishes examining a boa constrictor. An owl looks down from a perch above her, and a huge dog watches from a bed.]

Dr. Mathaway: Manuel? You are a great vet, but you’re not God. You can’t make these life-and-death decisions on your own. Do you understand?

[CUT to Manuel wearing a doctor’s coat and a very cheesy fake Mexican mustache which curls up on the ends.]

Manuel: Sì. Yo comprendo, doctora Mathaway. [sidles up to her] Yo quienso que quizas te amo.

[They embrace and lean in to kiss.]

Voice: Code blue. Trauma three. Code blue.

[They break their embrace and rush away as a horse whinnies off camera. FADE quickly back to studio and cheers.]

Julianna Margulie: You see, lady? We have such a great show for you tonight! DMX is here! [audience cheers] So stick around, we’ll be right back!

[ZOOM out on Julianna clapping along with audience, then FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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