Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 12
Augustus General
Nadeen…..Cheri Oteri
Fall Victim…..Chris Parnell
Orderly…..Jimmy Fallon
Motorcyclist…..Tim Meadows
Motorcyclists Wife…..Ana Gasteyer
Man with Severed Hand…..Tracy Morgan
Man with Headache…..Darrell Hammond
Dr. Montgomery…..Julianna Margulies
[FADE IN on an ambulance pulling up to a hospital, and then FADE to the e/r. A patient is gingerly being pushed in a wheelchair toward a hallway, and suddenly a man walks briskly up to the desk. He has a deep gash above his left eye, and blood trickles down his cheek.]
Fall Victim: Excuse me? Excuse me. Uh, hi, hi, I need some help here? Hi? Can you help me? Please?
[The receptionist turns around and notices him. With her hair stacked up and a large mole near the corner of her mouth, she sets down a clipboard and walks toward him.]
Nadeen: Simma down na.
Fall Victim: I, I need to see a doctor right away.
Nadeen: I just said to simma DOWN na!
Fall Victim: What?
Nadeen: [shouting] SIMMA DOWN NA! Cant ya HEAH? I wantya ta simma down na, and tell me just what OCCUHED.
Fall Victim: What occuhed is, I fell from my apartment balcony and gashed my head on a sprinkler.
Nadeen: Looks like ya cracked ya noggin, there! [reaches up and knuckles his forehead]
Fall Victim: OW! God!
Nadeen: How many stories?
Fall Victim: How–what? How many–
Nadeen: How many stories ya DROP, na?
Fall Victim: One. One, one floor.
Nadeen: Just one? Have a seat. [points to chairs]
Fall Victim: [frantic] What? Not enough floors to get my head stitched up?!
Nadeen: Sir, on behalf of Augustus General, Id like to invite you to SIMMA DOWN NA! [thrusts a clipboard at him] Now, kindly fill out these forms and have a seat over HEAH! [points to chairs] No blood on da clipboard, na!
[He walks slowly away, and then an orderly comes in from the hallway and pushes a patient in a wheelchair slowly near the desk.]
Nadeen: [rushing around desk] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow it DOWN na! Slow it DOWN na!
Orderly: [puzzled] I wasnt going that fast.
Nadeen: What you think, this is a Doc Daytona Five Hundra? Huh?
Orderly: What?
Nadeen: Where da brake?
Orderly: What?
Nadeen: Where da BRAKE?
Orderly: [points down to wheels] There.
Nadeen: USE it, na! Now get! GET!!
[After she shoos them away, a man and a woman rush into the room.]
Motorcyclist’s Wife: Excuse me, excuse me, my husbands been in a motorcycle accident, I think hes broke his wrist!
Motorcyclist: [painfully] Yeah, I, I cant move it!
Motorcyclist’s Wife: Its swelling up really badly.
Nadeen: [shouting] All right, everybody SIMMA DOWN NA!!
Motorcyclist: Listen, I would love to simmer down now, but you see, my wrist is shattered, so I would encourage you to ADMIT me now.
Nadeen: Sir, your sass is unappreciated heah. So before your other wrist becomes shattahed, I suggest you fill out these forms, and have a seat, and then simma down…
Motorcyclist: And simmer down now, right?
Nadeen: Thats cor-rect!
[The couple starts walking toward the hallway.]
Nadeen: Not over there! Over HEAH! [points to seats]
Motorcyclist: Where?
Nadeen: Over HEAH! What, did ya shattah ya hearing drum in addition?!
Motorcyclist: [outraged] Who the HELL do–
Nadeen: Hey!! Hey!! Hey!! [imitates shifting gears] Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii–mmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa–doooooooooooooooooooooooooowwn–na! [pretends to lock gearshift] Simma down na!
[cheers and applause]
Motorcyclist’s Wife: [evenly] Youre a freak!
Nadeen: Simma.
[As the two walk away, a man walks up in a mechanics jacket. His right arm is a bandaged stump at the end, and he carries a bag in his left.]
Man With Severed Hand: Excuse me, excuse me, Ive been simmering for about three hours. I think Im gonna pass out. I dont know how much longer my hand can last.
[He raises a plastic bag which holds a severed hand on ice.]
Nadeen: Sir, sir, may I ask you to help yourself to this magazine… [hands it to him] …while I contact ya proper insurance carriah. Now tell me, who has your association been with? Blue Cross? Blue Shield?
Man With Severed Hand: No, Im with an HMO.
Nadeen: Well, in that case, I want you ta take this War and Peace… [hands him thick copy of War and Peace] …sit yaself down on a low heat, and continya to simma.
[He walks morosely away.]
Nadeen: [lifts bag] Take ya hand na!! Take ya hand na!!
[He fetches his hand and scurries back. A moment later, a man in a leather jacket walks up with a cigarette in his hand.]
Man With Headache: [calmly] Hi. I think I got a headache.
Nadeen: [points toward hallway] Sir, go right inside those doors, right there, suh!
[He walks nonchalantly toward the hallway. The motorcyclist, his wife, and the fall victim all storm up to the desk.]
Fall Victim: Wait a minute!
Motorcyclist: What the HELL?!
Motorcyclist’s Wife: Thats not fair!!
Nadeen: [holds up hands] SIMMA! SIMMA! SIMMA! Everybody SIMMA DOWN NA!!! All right. Now you have made a valid obsahvation. And since the squeaky wheel get the grease, I will provide medical assistance TA ya! [into microphone] Pagin Doctah Montgomra. Doctor Montgomra. Please! We need ya help up in heah! Doctor Mont-Montgomra.
[Dr. Montgomery walks in with a white smock and a wavy bouffant.]
Nadeen: Here she come.
Fall Victim: Finally!
Dr. Montgomery: [in professional voice] Nadeen, Im sorry for the delay. [to patients] What seems to be the problem?
[All the patients talk at once.]
Motorcyclist’s Wife: My husband had a motorcycle accident!
Motorcyclist: My wrist is shattered, maam!
Fall Victim: My head is bleeding profusely!
Dr. Montgomery: [holds up hands] WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! EVERYBODY SIMMA DOWN NA!!
Motorcyclist’s Wife: WHAT?!
Motorcyclist and Fall Victim: WHAT?!
Dr. Montgomery: What part of simma down da ya na understan?! The simma, the down, or the na?!
Motorcyclist: But we just want some… some…
Dr. Montgomery: [holds up an 8×10 of David Schwimmer] WHO DIS?!
Motorcyclist: [confounded] Schwimmer?
Dr. Montgomery: [holds up a copy of The Wall Street Journal] Whats da average listed heah?
Fall Victim: The Dow?
Dr. Montgomery: What a beava do to a log?
Motorcyclist’s Wife: Uh, it, it gnaws on a log?
Dr. Montgomery: Put it all together na!
Motorcyclist: Schwimmer Dow gnaw?
Dr. Montgomery: Try it again! [to Chris] You!
Fall Victim: Uh, Schimmer Dow now?
Nadeen: Close but no cigah.
Dr. Montgomery: Last chance, FOR da MONEY!!
Motorcyclist’s Wife: Uh… simmer down now?
Nadeen: WHOA! Winner!
Dr. Montgomery: [loudly] Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, we have a winna! You can go ahead in, maam!
Motorcyclist’s Wife: [squealing like a game show contestant] I WON, I WON, I WON!!
[She races through the doors into the hallway. Her husband and the fall victim look after her.]
Motorcyclist: [points to broken wrist] Wait a minute! No!! No!
Dr. Montgomery: You best simma!
Nadeen: Na, na!
Dr. Montgomery: Na!
Nadeen: Na, na!
Dr. Montgomery: Na!
Nadeen: Simma na!
Dr. Montgomery: Simma na!
Nadeen: [points to chairs] Sit down there and simma na!
[FADE to black over applause.]
Submitted by: Joe Cornfield
