SNL Transcripts: Julianne Margulies: 02/12/00: Augustus General


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 12

99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

Augustus General

Nadeen…..Cheri Oteri
Fall Victim…..Chris Parnell
Orderly…..Jimmy Fallon
Motorcyclist…..Tim Meadows
Motorcyclist’s Wife…..Ana Gasteyer
Man with Severed Hand…..Tracy Morgan
Man with Headache…..Darrell Hammond
Dr. Montgomery…..Julianna Margulies

[FADE IN on an ambulance pulling up to a hospital, and then FADE to the e/r. A patient is gingerly being pushed in a wheelchair toward a hallway, and suddenly a man walks briskly up to the desk. He has a deep gash above his left eye, and blood trickles down his cheek.]

Fall Victim: Excuse me? Excuse me. Uh, hi, hi, I need some help here? Hi? Can you help me? Please?

[The receptionist turns around and notices him. With her hair stacked up and a large mole near the corner of her mouth, she sets down a clipboard and walks toward him.]

Nadeen: Simma down na.

Fall Victim: I, I need to see a doctor right away.

Nadeen: I just said to simma DOWN na!

Fall Victim: What?

Nadeen: [shouting] SIMMA DOWN NA! Can’t ya HEAH? I wantya ta simma down na, and tell me just what OCCUHED.

Fall Victim: What “occuhed” is, I fell from my apartment balcony and gashed my head on a sprinkler.

Nadeen: Looks like ya cracked ya noggin, there! [reaches up and knuckles his forehead]

Fall Victim: OW! God!

Nadeen: How many stories?

Fall Victim: How–what? How many–

Nadeen: How many stories ya DROP, na?

Fall Victim: One. One, one floor.

Nadeen: Just one? Have a seat. [points to chairs]

Fall Victim: [frantic] What? Not enough floors to get my head stitched up?!

Nadeen: Sir, on behalf of Augustus General, I’d like to invite you to SIMMA DOWN NA! [thrusts a clipboard at him] Now, kindly fill out these forms and have a seat over HEAH! [points to chairs] No blood on da clipboard, na!

[He walks slowly away, and then an orderly comes in from the hallway and pushes a patient in a wheelchair slowly near the desk.]

Nadeen: [rushing around desk] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow it DOWN na! Slow it DOWN na!

Orderly: [puzzled] I wasn’t going that fast.

Nadeen: What you think, this is a Doc Daytona Five Hundra? Huh?

Orderly: What?

Nadeen: Where da brake?

Orderly: What?

Nadeen: Where da BRAKE?

Orderly: [points down to wheels] There.

Nadeen: USE it, na! Now get! GET!!

[After she shoos them away, a man and a woman rush into the room.]

Motorcyclist’s Wife: Excuse me, excuse me, my husband’s been in a motorcycle accident, I think he’s broke his wrist!

Motorcyclist: [painfully] Yeah, I, I can’t move it!

Motorcyclist’s Wife: It’s swelling up really badly.

Nadeen: [shouting] All right, everybody SIMMA DOWN NA!!

Motorcyclist: Listen, I would love to simmer down now, but you see, my wrist is shattered, so I would encourage you to ADMIT me now.

Nadeen: Sir, your sass is unappreciated heah. So before your other wrist becomes shattahed, I suggest you fill out these forms, and have a seat, and then simma down…

Motorcyclist: And simmer down now, right?

Nadeen: That’s cor-rect!

[The couple starts walking toward the hallway.]

Nadeen: Not over there! Over HEAH! [points to seats]

Motorcyclist: Where?

Nadeen: Over HEAH! What, did ya shattah ya hearing drum in addition?!

Motorcyclist: [outraged] Who the HELL do–

Nadeen: Hey!! Hey!! Hey!! [imitates shifting gears] Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii–mmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa–doooooooooooooooooooooooooowwn–na! [pretends to lock gearshift] Simma down na!

[cheers and applause]

Motorcyclist’s Wife: [evenly] You’re a freak!

Nadeen: Simma.

[As the two walk away, a man walks up in a mechanic’s jacket. His right arm is a bandaged stump at the end, and he carries a bag in his left.]

Man With Severed Hand: Excuse me, excuse me, I’ve been simmering for about three hours. I think I’m gonna pass out. I don’t know how much longer my hand can last.

[He raises a plastic bag which holds a severed hand on ice.]

Nadeen: Sir, sir, may I ask you to help yourself to this magazine… [hands it to him] …while I contact ya proper insurance carriah. Now tell me, who has your association been with? Blue Cross? Blue Shield?

Man With Severed Hand: No, I’m with an HMO.

Nadeen: Well, in that case, I want you ta take this “War and Peace”… [hands him thick copy of “War and Peace”] …sit yaself down on a low heat, and continya to simma.

[He walks morosely away.]

Nadeen: [lifts bag] Take ya hand na!! Take ya hand na!!

[He fetches his hand and scurries back. A moment later, a man in a leather jacket walks up with a cigarette in his hand.]

Man With Headache: [calmly] Hi. I think I got a headache.

Nadeen: [points toward hallway] Sir, go right inside those doors, right there, suh!

[He walks nonchalantly toward the hallway. The motorcyclist, his wife, and the fall victim all storm up to the desk.]

Fall Victim: Wait a minute!

Motorcyclist: What the HELL?!

Motorcyclist’s Wife: That’s not fair!!

Nadeen: [holds up hands] SIMMA! SIMMA! SIMMA! Everybody SIMMA DOWN NA!!! All right. Now you have made a valid obsahvation. And since the squeaky wheel get the grease, I will provide medical assistance TA ya! [into microphone] Pagin’ Doctah Montgomra. Doctor Montgomra. Please! We need ya help up in heah! Doctor Mont-Montgomra.

[Dr. Montgomery walks in with a white smock and a wavy bouffant.]

Nadeen: Here she come.

Fall Victim: Finally!

Dr. Montgomery: [in professional voice] Nadeen, I’m sorry for the delay. [to patients] What seems to be the problem?

[All the patients talk at once.]

Motorcyclist’s Wife: My husband had a motorcycle accident!

Motorcyclist: My wrist is shattered, ma’am!

Fall Victim: My head is bleeding profusely!

Dr. Montgomery: [holds up hands] WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! EVERYBODY SIMMA DOWN NA!!

Motorcyclist’s Wife: WHAT?!

Motorcyclist and Fall Victim: WHAT?!

Dr. Montgomery: What part of “simma down” da ya na understan’?! The “simma,” the “down,” or the “na”?!

Motorcyclist: But we just want some… some…

Dr. Montgomery: [holds up an 8×10 of David Schwimmer] WHO DIS?!

Motorcyclist: [confounded] Schwimmer?

Dr. Montgomery: [holds up a copy of “The Wall Street Journal”] What’s da average listed heah?

Fall Victim: The Dow?

Dr. Montgomery: What a beava do to a log?

Motorcyclist’s Wife: Uh, it, it gnaws on a log?

Dr. Montgomery: Put it all together na!

Motorcyclist: Schwimmer Dow gnaw?

Dr. Montgomery: Try it again! [to Chris] You!

Fall Victim: Uh, Schimmer Dow now?

Nadeen: Close but no cigah.

Dr. Montgomery: Last chance, FOR da MONEY!!

Motorcyclist’s Wife: Uh… simmer down now?

Nadeen: WHOA! Winner!

Dr. Montgomery: [loudly] Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, we have a winna! You can go ahead in, ma’am!

Motorcyclist’s Wife: [squealing like a game show contestant] I WON, I WON, I WON!!

[She races through the doors into the hallway. Her husband and the fall victim look after her.]

Motorcyclist: [points to broken wrist] Wait a minute! No!! No!

Dr. Montgomery: You best simma!

Nadeen: Na, na!

Dr. Montgomery: Na!

Nadeen: Na, na!

Dr. Montgomery: Na!

Nadeen: Simma na!

Dr. Montgomery: Simma na!

Nadeen: [points to chairs] Sit down there and simma na!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x