SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 02/19/00: TV Funhouse

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 13

99m: Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple

TV Funhouse

Voice of Mr. T…..Tracy Morgan

[ open on “All New Adventures of Mr. T” theme ]

Mr. T.: I’m back! And I need work!

[ cut to Mr. T. and three kids and dog walking through a back alley ]

Little Boy: Mr. T.? When can we eat?

Mr. T.: Don’t give me that jibber-jabber! We’ll eat when I get work!

Teenage Girl: But you haven’t worked in ten years.

Mr. T.: Shoulda stayed in school!

Teenage Boy: What’s that?

Mr. T.: [ reading ] “A Doll’s House. Opening next week.” Sounds like work!

Little Boy: Let’s check it out!

Mr. T.: Kids, follow me! And drink milk, work!

[ cut to play group practicing inside the theater ]

Male Actor: “..But, Nora, dearest, why do you look so stern?”

Female Actor: “I’ve been dreadfully wronged, Torvald. First by Papa, and then by you.”

Mr. T.: [ interrupting ] Alright, let’s go! I’m here to work!

Director: Excuse me?

Mr. T.: Put me in the show, fool! And don’t do drugs!

Director: But these aren’t auditions. We’re here for the rehearsals..

Mr. T.: I got no time for the jibber-jabber! I wanna be Torvald, sucker!

Male Actor: But he’s not right for Torvold.

Mr. T.: Shut up, fool! I need work! [ to Director ] You got achoice, Jack: you either make me Torvold, or you hurt!

Stagehand: Alright, Sir, let’s go.. [ grabs Mr. T’s shoulders ]

Mr. T.: I’ll squash that bug! [ tosses Stagehand across the rowof seats ] Rehearse this, fool! [ squashes two actors’ headstogether ] [ Director runs off ]

Little Boy: He’s getting away!

[ Mr. T and the Teenaged Boy and Girl fling from the girders and land on the Director’s back, stopping him ]

Mr. T.: Next time, stay in school!

Director: [ confused ] What?!

[ Mr. T picks up the Director and tosses him into the set, smashing it to pieces ]

Female Actor: But.. we rehearsed..

Mr. T.: Stop jibber-jabbering, and start acting!

[ cut to Opening Night, Mr. T in his dressing room with the kids ]

Teenage Boy: The show was really great, Mr. T!

Mr. T.: You gotta respect the writer! Henrik Ibsen’s a tough dude! Eat all your greens!

Little Boy: And they all doubted you.

Mr. T.: Let that be a lesson to all the Gary Burghoffs, JoeyLawrences, Tina Yotherses, and George “Goober” Lindsays! If you believe in yourself, drink your school, stay in drugs, and don’t do milk – you can get work! [ dog barks ] Alright, maybe not Gary Burghoff!

[ they all share a hearty laugh, as the cartoon ends ]

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