SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 02/19/00: TV Funhouse


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 13

99m: Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple

TV Funhouse

Voice of Mr. T…..Tracy Morgan

[ open on “All New Adventures of Mr. T” theme ]

Mr. T.: I’m back! And I need work!

[ cut to Mr. T. and three kids and dog walking through a back alley ]

Little Boy: Mr. T.? When can we eat?

Mr. T.: Don’t give me that jibber-jabber! We’ll eat when I get work!

Teenage Girl: But you haven’t worked in ten years.

Mr. T.: Shoulda stayed in school!

Teenage Boy: What’s that?

Mr. T.: [ reading ] “A Doll’s House. Opening next week.” Sounds like work!

Little Boy: Let’s check it out!

Mr. T.: Kids, follow me! And drink milk, work!

[ cut to play group practicing inside the theater ]

Male Actor: “..But, Nora, dearest, why do you look so stern?”

Female Actor: “I’ve been dreadfully wronged, Torvald. First by Papa, and then by you.”

Mr. T.: [ interrupting ] Alright, let’s go! I’m here to work!

Director: Excuse me?

Mr. T.: Put me in the show, fool! And don’t do drugs!

Director: But these aren’t auditions. We’re here for the rehearsals..

Mr. T.: I got no time for the jibber-jabber! I wanna be Torvald, sucker!

Male Actor: But he’s not right for Torvold.

Mr. T.: Shut up, fool! I need work! [ to Director ] You got achoice, Jack: you either make me Torvold, or you hurt!

Stagehand: Alright, Sir, let’s go.. [ grabs Mr. T’s shoulders ]

Mr. T.: I’ll squash that bug! [ tosses Stagehand across the rowof seats ] Rehearse this, fool! [ squashes two actors’ headstogether ] [ Director runs off ]

Little Boy: He’s getting away!

[ Mr. T and the Teenaged Boy and Girl fling from the girders and land on the Director’s back, stopping him ]

Mr. T.: Next time, stay in school!

Director: [ confused ] What?!

[ Mr. T picks up the Director and tosses him into the set, smashing it to pieces ]

Female Actor: But.. we rehearsed..

Mr. T.: Stop jibber-jabbering, and start acting!

[ cut to Opening Night, Mr. T in his dressing room with the kids ]

Teenage Boy: The show was really great, Mr. T!

Mr. T.: You gotta respect the writer! Henrik Ibsen’s a tough dude! Eat all your greens!

Little Boy: And they all doubted you.

Mr. T.: Let that be a lesson to all the Gary Burghoffs, JoeyLawrences, Tina Yotherses, and George “Goober” Lindsays! If you believe in yourself, drink your school, stay in drugs, and don’t do milk – you can get work! [ dog barks ] Alright, maybe not Gary Burghoff!

[ they all share a hearty laugh, as the cartoon ends ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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