Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 13
99m: Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple
Ben Loves Mango
Todd Newton…..Jimmy Fallon
Camryn Manheim…..Horatio Sanz
Bruce Vilanch…..Darrell Hammond
Mango…..Chris Kattan
…..Ben Affleck
Todd Newton: This is Todd Newton reporting live for E! I’m having a sexy-fun time here at the premiere for “Reindeer Games”. Looks like all of Hollywood’s here tonight. Hey look, there’s The Practice’s, Camryn Manheim and funny man Bruce Vallanche. Hey talk to E!
Camryn Manheim: Hi Todd.
Bruce Villanche: You’re name’s not Todd Newton – it’s Todd POO-ton!
Todd Newton: I don’t get it. Hey, here’s Ben Affleck, the Man of the Hour. [ Ben tries to rush by ] Ben, Ben, over here! It’s me, Todd Newton.
Ben Affleck: Yeah, I know, that’s why I was walkin’ faster.
Todd Newton: [ laughs ] Terrific! Hey, tell me, there’s something I always wanted to know – What’s it like having people like you?
Ben Affleck: Uh.. it’s good I guess.
Todd Newton: [ laughs ] I knew it! [ looking around as Ben walks off ] Hey, look, there’s Mango! Mango, over here! Mango! It’s E!, Todd Newton!
Mango: [ strutting excitedly ] Ohhh, hi, E!Hello!
Todd Newton: Mango, you look great. Who are you weating?
Mango: Oh, this is my own design.. this only took me a couple of hours.. This is Wang. Vera Wang!
Todd Newton: [ laughing ] Alright. Classic!
Mango: Hey, have you seen the Matt Damon man? I’m looking for him.
Todd Newton: No. But why don’t you ask his buddy, Ben Affleck? Ben! Over here, buddy!
[ Ben walks over ]Mango: Oh, hi! How are you? So, you know the Matt Damon man?
Ben Affleck: Uh, yeah, I know him. We did a couple movies together.
Mango: Oh, yeah, I know! The “Good Will Hunter” brothers, I remember!
Ben Affleck: No, it was called “Good Will Hunting”..
Mango: Yeah, whatever. Do me favor, when you see the Matt Damon man, tell him I’m looking for him.
Ben Affleck: [ relunctant ] What’s your name?
Mango: [ moving closer for a whisper ] Mango.
[ Mango’s soundtrack, “Missing” by Everything But the Girl, surrounds the air, as he innocently seduces Ben and disappears, leaving Ben in a daze ]Todd Newton: You alright, Ben? Ben, you alright?
Ben Affleck: [ sidetracked ] Man-go!
[ cut to Mango in an aerobics class, as his cell phone rings ]Mango: Sweet Mother of Crap! I thought I turned this mofo off! Hello? Leo DiCaprio?! I thought I told you never to call me? Okay? Bye! [ phone rings again ] Yes? Hi, Haley Joel Osment. I told you you’re too young for me. Okay? Bye! [ phone rings again ] Hello? Yes?
[ split-screen of Ben and Mango ]Ben Affleck: Mango, it’s me, Ben Affleck.
Mango: Ben who-fleck? What? Who is this?
Ben Affleck: I mean.. [ disguising his voice ] Hey.. it’s me, Matt Damon!
Mango: Oh! Matt Damon! Hi!
Ben Affleck: Listen.. I’ve gotta see you, man! Come to my apartment at 8 o’clock, I’ll send a driver to pick you up. See you then! [ hangs up, as screen shifts to Ben’s apartment ] Oh, this is so awesome, I can’t believe it! [ walks up to a wall mirror, puts on a Matt Damon wig, glasses and teeth ] I’m Matt Damon!
[ cut to later that night. Ben’s apartment is dark, as the doorbell rings. ]Ben Affleck: Come in!
Mango: [ entering ] Hello?
Ben Affleck: Mango, come in.
Mango: Thank you. Why is it so dark in here?
Ben Affleck: Uh, I have a pimple. [ changing subject ] Why don’t you stand over by the light?
Mango: [ complying, looks for a comfortable pose ] Should I do this? [ changes position ] Or maybe do that? [ giggles ] I’m a little nervous..!
Ben Affleck: Hey, man.. why don’t you try stripping for me?
Mango: [ surprised ] Alright.
[ Ben turns the stero on by remote, as Mango nervously dances around the room. Driven to arousal, Ben jumps onto Mango and knocks him to the floor ]Ben Affleck: I can’t take it! I’ve gotta have my Mango pie, you little bitch! [ starts spanking Mango ]
Mango: [ struggling to get loose ] No! Call the 911!
Ben Affleck: Don’t fight it.
Mango: [ escapes from Ben’s grip and jumps to his feet ] Why does this keep happening to me? Why does everybody think I’m gay? I just came over to get an autograph for my son! His school happens to be having a charity auction, Mr. Matt Damon man!
Ben Affleck: [ giving up ] Ah.. call me Ben.
Mango: [ outraged ] Ben who-fleck?! What?! Who?! What?! What is this now?!
Ben Affleck: [ falling to his knees ] I’m sorry, Mango! I just never felt like this before! Even though I’m not really funny, just the thought of makes me feel so young! You’re everything, you complete me! Oh Mango! [ cries ]
Mango: Shhh, okay, come on.. it’s alright.
Ben Affleck: I.. I.. I did good in “Armageddon”, I wrecked the asteroid!
Mango: Yeah, I know, I didn’t see it, so.. [ singing staticly ] Hush there, little baby, don’t say a word.. Manog gonna buy this mockingbird.. And if that mockingbird don’t sing.. Mango gonna buy.. the diamond ring.” And inside that diamond ring, there’ll be a description.. that say.. “You can’t have-a the Mango!” [ stands up and slaps himself in the butt, then leaves ]
Ben Affleck: [ distraught, throws his hands in the air ] MANGO-O-O-O!!
