SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 02/19/00: Nightline


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 13

99m: Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple


Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Franklin…..Tim Meadows
Marcie…..Rachel Dratch
Pigpen…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on “Nightline” graphics ]

Announcer: This is ABC News, “Nightline”. Reporting from Washington, Ted Koppel.

[ dissolve to Ted Koppel at his newsdesk ]

Ted Koppel: The passing of Charles Schultz has left a void in the heart of America. His loyal readers, young and old alike, are celebrating Schultz’s humor, warmth, and unique view on life. Tonight on “Nightline”, some of those who worked closely with him would like to share their thoughts on this wonderful man. Joining us tonight from his home in Phoenix, Arizona: Franklin.

[ cut to large-headed Franklin, sitting on a bench outside his home ]

Franklin: Hello, Ted.

Ted Koppel: And, from her cabin in North Hampton, Massachusetts: Peppermint Patty’s little friend, Marcie.

[ cut to large-spectacled Marcie sitting inside her cabin home ]

Marcie: Hi, sir!

Ted Koppel: And, finally, from his office in Seattle: Pigpen.

[ cut to large-headed Pigpen sitting in an interior office setting, a cloud of dust rising behind him ]

Pigpen: Hi, Ted.

[ cut back to Ted ]

Ted Koppel: Now.. Franklin, let me just start with you. How did Charles Schultz touch your life?

Franklin: Well, back then, uh — I mean, this was the days before “Fat Albert” — I mean, back then, in was hard for a brother to get into the funnies. No one wanted to take the time to do the shading [ Ted shakes his head ] But, Charles Schultz, he looked beyond race, he knew that, deep down, we’re all the same: we all have heads the size of the rest of our bodies, and, when we turn sideways, our mouthes disappear.

Ted Koppel: So true, Franklin! I should mention, at this time, that Charlie Brown very much wanted to be here tonight, but he’s on-location in Thailand shooting a film with Chow Yun-Fat. But he has issued this statement:

[ show slide of Charlie Brown and his quote ]

Ted Koppel V/O: “My dog, his bird friend and I are terribly saddened by this loss. It has hit me hard, like a line drive tossing me mid-air and knocking the clothes off my body.”

[ cut back to Ted ]

Ted Koppel: Now.. Marcie, I’d like to turn to you

Marcie: Uhh.. yes, sir?

Ted Koppel: You say Charles Schultz was like a father to you?

Marcie: Well, sir.. yes, sir. I was going through quite a few “personal” problems — I — I was confused about my sexual orientation. And Mr. Schultz was cool about it, at a tme when my own family wasn’t. I was pretty upset with Peppermint Patty, sir, but she just didn’t like me that way! [ lifts her head ] Aaaagggghhhhhh!!!

Ted Koppel: I see.

Franklin: I don’t know about you, Ted, but I always wanted to see some Marcie-on-Patty action! [ snickers ]

Ted Koppel: Yes, that.. would have been nice! Now, Pigpen, from your recently-published autobiography — [ holds up book ] After The Dust Settled: My Life in Real Estate — I gathered Charles Schultz literally saved your life?

Pigpen: Yeah, I, uh, had a pretty rough childhood. My parents were pretty neglectful of me. I mean, look at me back then, I was filthy! But, uh, whereas everyone else saw a filthy kid in a perpetual cloud of dust, Charles Schultz saw a dirty, smelly kid who could teach the world about tolerance.. and about Dolly Madison snack cakes.

Ted Koppel: Alright, at this point I’d like to warn our affiliates we may be going a few minutes long tonight —

[ familiar Peanuts offscreen “wah wah wah” sound effects ]

Ted Koppel: My producer, Caroline Aufmauer, trying to tell me something. What is that, Caroline?

[ familiar Peanuts offscreen “wah wah wah” sound effects ]

Ted Koppel: I — I can’t understand you! But —

[ familiar Peanuts offscreen “wah wah wah” sound effects ]

Franklin: Uh, Ted?

Marcie: Uh, sir?

Franklin: Ted? Ted?

Marcie: Hello?

Ted Koppel: Yeah?

Marcie: We understand her, Mr. Koppel.

Ted Koppel: By all means, tell us.

Marcie: She’s saying —

Franklin, Pigpen, Marcie: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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