SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 02/19/00: Police Recruit Fitness Testing


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 13

99m: Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple

Police Recruit Fitness Testing

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli…..Ben Affleck
Sally O’Malley…..Molly Shannon
John Hellman…..Jimmy Fallon
Blonsky……Chris Parnell
Guy #1…..Tracy Morgan

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Alright, alright there, uh, boys and girls, let’s huddle up, come on let’s go. My name is, uh, Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli, but any of you can call me “Buch” if you wanna get your face busted that is. Ha-ha! That’s a lil joke, what I do to break the ice, y’know and all that, anyway, you’re training instructor, I.E., me, will be evaluating whether or not you’re fit to wear the Blue. For the next three hours I will be your Mommy, your Daddy, and your worst frickin “Nightmare on Elm Street Part 5: Freddie’s Revenge” Again, a lil humor.

Guy #1: And a damn fine movie, Booch.

(Sally O’Malley enters)

Sally O’Malley: Excuse me, uh, hi there. I heard you’re lookin’ for a tough cop. Heard you’re lookin for a tough cop.

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Yeah, that’s right. What are you doin here?

Sally O’Malley: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Sally O’Malley. I’m proud to say that I am 50 years old. I’m not one of those gals who’s afraid to tell her real age, and I like to (demonstrates) kick!, stretch!, and KICK! I’m 50! 50 years old! 50 years old. Not afraid to hide my age, 50!

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Alright, alright goldie we hear ya honey. Fall in line w/ the rest of them-go ‘head. Come here, what’s your name?

John Hellman: I’m John Hellman, Sir.

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: (gets punched) Rule #1: Always be prepared. Alright, go clean yourself up. OK, 1st off today I would like to demonstrate a highly effective judo move that once got me out of a jam in Korea town. It goes a lil something like this (demonstrates a move w/ 2 punches followed by a kick) Hi-ya, yah, SUGAH! Alright, now you guys do it, go ‘head.

(class demonstrates-Sally kicks furiously)

Sally O’Malley: SUGAH, I’m 50! 50 years old! 50 years old! Hats off to me-50 years old!

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Alright, yeah, we heard you Angie Dickinson. Let me ask you a question-O’Malley, Officer O’Malley-you like the sound of that?

Sally O’Malley: Truth be told, I prefer, uh, Chief O’Malley.

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Yeah, well I prefer to be called the “White Bill D. Williams”. Again, that’s humor. That’s just jokes is what that is; it’s humor. I’ll tell you this O’Malley, you got a lot of energy and you got a lot of spice.

Sally O’Malley: Well thank you. That’s because I took my vee-tamins this mornin and when I put on my red pants I like to dance. Hey taxi (whistles), lookin for a ride.

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: That’s another reason not to pick up hitchhikers. OK, O’Malley, let’s see what you got. Blonksy, get over here. O’Malley, Blonksy. Blonsky, O’Malley. Now Blonsky here is an assailant who is gonna try to choke you and take your purse. Now try dancin your way outta this one “Big Red”, will you? Go ‘head Blonsky, take her down.

(O’Malley elbows Blonsky, then hits him in the face, then knees him)

Blonksy: Oh God!

Sally O’Malley: Book ‘um Dano, I’m 5-0! (Balances herself on one leg with arms extended to each side) 50 years old! 50 years old! 50 years old!

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Alright, get up Blonsky, come here (punches him) You got beat up by an old lady, we can’t have that. Hit the road. You got guts O’Malley, I gotta tell you, but we don’t make cops outta fossils. Sorry, maybe you should go home and, uh, bake some cookies with the rest of the old ladies.

Sally O’Malley: How ’bout I bake you up a nice knuckle sandwich?

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Oh, you’re scaring me here. Woah!

Sally O’Malley: I’ll tell you something Officer, I got more juice in this tomato than all of these fruits put together.

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Oh, is that so?

Sally O’Malley: Yeah, that’s so.

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Well let’s see how you do against some of Chicago’s finest. Everybody out! Let’s go! It’s time for the real men. Boys come on in! Take her down.

Sally O’Malley: Gee, I don’t know, maybe I am a lil old

Cop: Yeah maybe you are a lil old.

(Beats up all 3 cops)

Sally O’Malley: And just in case you forgot…I like to kick!, stretch!, and KICK! I’m 50, 50, 50 years old!

(shows front cover of a newspaper w/ picture of Sally)

“Officer Sally Sally O’Malley: Still Kickin’ Ass At 50!”

Submitted by: Mia

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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