Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 13
99m: Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple
Trilocaine
Spokesman…..Ben Affleck
Spokesman: For years, I suffered from itchy, flaky scalp. I tried every product on the market. Then I heard about Trilocaine.
Announcer: Trilocaine. Prescription medication for serious scalp itch. Possible side effects include dry mouth, or loss of appetite. Some users may experience dizziness or nausea. And 90% of users experience an instantaneous and horrifying sleep-paralysis containing a bleak vision of mortality. If you’re one of those 90%, after taking Trilocaine, you’ll slip into unconsciousness and feel yourself stepping through a looking glass into a “not-world”. There, you’ll meet your identical twin. The doppleganger points at you and laughs, a chattering skull-like laugh, then turns into a screeching falcon and flies off towards the blood-red sun.
Suddenly, you’re on a viking ship, skimming across a lake of white-cold fire. You feel nothing. An emptiness, perhaps. Somewhere, a lone snow dog howls o’er the wintry plains. You try to scream, but blood pours from your mouth, coalescing into the form of a hideous infant smoking a long pipe. His rage is blinding. At last, you find yourself poised before two doors. One leads to eternal joy, the other to hellish misery. Choose correctly, and you’ll drift back to consciousness.. with a moist, itch-free scalp.
Another side effect is mild flatulence.
Ask your doctor about Trilocaine.
