Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 13
99m: Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple
The Zimmermans
Josh Zimmerman…..Chris Kattan
Laura Zimmerman…..Cheri Oteri
Ari…..Ben Affleck
Sales Represenative…..Horatio Sanz
[Josh and Laura walk into a car dealership talking about a Camry they had just looked at when they spot a red convertable they like….]
Laura: I like the camry honey. I really like the camry.
Josh: I know you do..
Laura: I like— oh honey, look at this one [looking at a red convertable], it’s a convertable!
Ari: (comes in talking with a middle Eastern accent) Oh wait a minute, hello! Mine eyes do see the glory of a pretty lady with excellent taste in pre-deals! [Everyone laughs] That a joke. My name is Ari.
Laura: Hi Ari!
Josh: Hello!
Ari: I am the second assistant junior vice sales rep for Kashegan Motors. Welcome! Welcome! This is my place!
Josh: I’m Josh Zimmerman and this is my wife Laura.
Ari: Hi! Welcome Welcome!
Laura: Ari, I have to tell you, I think this car is absolutely stunning. I really do!
Ari: Well, I’ll have to telly ou something sister, you have a good eye! She is the calssics, very limited, 1988 Chysler Le Baron. Only 15 million made.
Josh: Really? Only 15 million [meanwhile Laura walks over to the hood of the car examining it]
Ari: Yep, very exclusive. And the other thing is, shes got a nice tight compact little body. You know bro? [slaps Josh on the back]
Josh: [looking at Laura] You can say that again.
Ari: [confused] What?
Laura: [looking at the car’s hood] I like that.
Josh: [coming up behind Laura] Shes got a nice…
Laura: [looking turned on] Oh!
Josh: tight…
Laura: [barely able to control herself] Don’t!
Josh: Compact….
Laura: [gasping while turning around] Shut your mouth!
Josh: BODY!
Laura: [gasps loudly] You bastard! Come here![she lays on the hood of the car and pulls Josh on top of her and the continue to go at it]
Ari: [astounded by what he has seen] Bro! Hey homeys! Alright, I think the car is getting jealous! [Everyone laughs]
Laura: [laughing] The car’s getting jealous!
Josh: Very funny!
Laura: He’s like a middle Eastern Paul Reiser!
Josh: But younger!
Laura: Yeah!
Ari: Thats cool! Thats cool! Im Arminian but don’t worry about it. I have to tell you homey, boy, this baby is loaded with extras! Comes complete full of everything! I tell you, you take car now, buy it! It’s good! One speaker, mono, A.M. stereo. BOOM! BANG! DEAD! DONE! And unlike most modern version models, this not going to bog you down with air conditioning!
Josh: Right, right!
Laura: [looking at the inside of the car] Can I get in?
Ari: Yeah sure! [patting the interior of the seat] By the way, this is the finest in Barithian leather.
Laura: Oh, barithina, honey! Oh honey, you have to put your hands on this seat!
Josh: [standing behind Laura rubbing the seat] Oh yeah, that is nice!
Laura: [rubbing the seat] You like the way that seat feels?
Josh: Yeah!
Laura: What do yyou want to do with it? What do you want to do with the seat? [grinding up against Josh] What do you wanna do?
Josh: What do you want me to do? You want me to f—–(not finishing the word)
Laura: Oh, I want you to f—
Josh: Yeah! Tell me you want me to f—!
Laura: Oh I want you to f—-(at this point both are in car and Josh is grinding his hips into the back of Laura)
Josh: Tell me you want me, you want me to f—!
Laura: [sounding aroused] Oh yeah! I want you to f—-!
Josh: Yeah! I’m gonna…[car horn honks while his mouth is moving] SO HARD!!! You watch me…[once again, the car horn beeps while he is talking]
Laura: [Oh yeah? Well you better…[car horn beigns honking as she is talking] until I can’t walk!!
Josh: Oh![bends Laura over the windshield of the car adn they go at it]
Ari: Hey bro! Bro, bro-heim! Homey! We don’t, we don’t do that here! That not good. Maybe you should get a room, you know Motel 6 take polaroid or something, get naked—
Laura: [interuptting] Hey noe! What the– Come on noe! That was not neccesary!
Josh: [yelling] Hey potty mouth! Why don’t you sell us a car huh?!
Laura: Not neccessary!
Josh: yeah, not neccesarry!
Ari: Okay. I apologize bro-heim. It’s cool. I just thought that, you know, it was… Ah, nevermind! Oh, look at this, this a convertable top, that means it goes up and down! And you can have some cool Hollywood fun in this one baby!
Josh: Hollywood fun, huh?
Ari: It has cruising control and the windshield wipers work! They go back and forth. And just because we are home snakes, I throw in free, complimentary windshield wiper fluid. Right now I do it for free, but 24 hours forget it! [now Laura is in the driver’s seat and Josh is in the passenger seat]
Josh: Laura turn the wipers on! I want to see them work!
Laura: Well, I’m looking for thing that turns it on but I can’t find it.
Josh: You want to find the windshield wiper button for you?
Laura: Baby, if I can’t find it, you certainly can’t.
Josh: Honey?
Laura: What?
Josh: Just relax and let me try to find it.
Laura: [throwing her hands in defeat] Ok, go.
Josh: [bends down, from the camara’s point of view it looks like his face is in between her legs and he makes a noise] Is that it?
Laura: [in a bored tone] No.
Josh: [makes another noise] That?
Laura: No.
Josh: [continues to work] That?
Laura: [suddenly her attention is jump started!] Oh! You’re getting closer!
Josh: Yeah?
Laura: Yeah! Keep workin! Just keep workin dadddy!
Josh: That it?
Laura: Keep workin daddy! Just keep workin![Josh continues to work] Oh yeah! Momma likes! Momma likes!
Ari: Hey homey I’ll show you! Its right here [points to a button]
Josh: [shooting up] Hey I know how to drive okay?
Laura: [grabs his hair] Don’t you stop looking until you find it you bastard! Keep looking! [pushes him down] Thats it! Thats it! Oh yeah!! [shes barely able to control herself] YES! YES! THATS IT![stands up in the seat and wiper fluid sprays all over her face] Wipers work!
Josh: Wipers work!
Ari: Bro, bro-heim. I think you just sold ME this car! [everyone laughs]
Laura: He’s like Gilbert Baudford!
Josh: Yeah, yeah, yeah! We should take this guy home, seriously!
Ari: I may like that, you never know!
Laura: I just thought of something. There’s only one problem with this car.
Ari: What? Oh no..!
Laura: No. I don’t know how to drive a stick.
Josh: [rubbing Laura’s arm] Honey, don’t worry about it, I’ll teach you.
Laura: [laughs sarcastically] You gonna teach me how to work that stick?[pushes Josh]
Josh: Hey watch it![Laura pulls his hair] watch the hair!
Laura: You gonna teach me how to work taht stick? Huh? [continutes to push him]
Josh: Yeah I might teach you that!
Laura: [slapping him] You gonna teach me how to work that stick?
Josh: I might teach you that1[slaps Laura] Oh! Sorry about that!
Laura: Thats alright!
Josh: don’t toucht aht stick!
Laura: Im gonna touch it!
Josh: DOn’t touch it!
Laura: Im gonna touch it!
Josh: Don’t touch that stick!
Laura: I’m gonna touch it! Im gonna touch that big hard stick!
Ari: [excited] LET HER TOUCH THE GOD-DAMN STICK BRO!
Laura: Uh-oh! Does Arry want me to put it in first[pushes him] Huh Ari? You want me to put it in first Arry?[tries to lick him]
Ari: Hey, whoa! If its okay wiht your old man, I don’t mind!
Laura: Don’t worry about him! You want me to put in drive Ari? [slaps him]
Ari: Oh, I like this! You bad girl [slaps her ass] You get in trouble! I give it to you!
Laura: I’m bad! I’m bad!
Ari: DOn’t pysch me up now girl!
Laura: you want me to put it in drive [slaps him]
Ari: Oh I like it!
Laura: Yeah! You want me to put it in drive?
Ari: Oh yeah baby!
Laura: [grabs his ears] Yeah, yeah1[grabs his shirt collar] Oh you, hot…
Ari: Yeah…..[becoming turned on]
Laura: Sweaty….[pulls him closer to her]
Ari: Yes…
Laura: Stinky [very close]
Ari: That’s me!
Laura: No ass [pulls him as close as she can]
Ari: That’s true…
Laura: Pig! [ she grinds up against him slightly while leaning in for a kiss]
Ari: OH MY GOD!!! You can touch my stick baby!! It’s like a baby’s arm [pulls down his pants to reveal his package and Laura screams]
Laura: Oh my God! Oh My GOD!!! HOney I saw it! It was awful, it was awful!
Josh: You sick son of a bitch! [runs out the car and chokes Ari] We come in here to buy a car and you show your little horn to my wife!!! [holding Laura while she is crying] I know honey. I know.
Laura: It was awful! [mean while another sales rep runs out of the office screaming at Ari]
Sales Rep: No more baby’s arm! You’re fired!
Ari: But its cool Hollywood swinging bro!
Sales Rep: FIRED!!!
Laura: [hugging the sales rep] I saw it! It was awful.
Sale Rep: I know, I know. I’m sorry.
Laura: Oh, you’re sorry? How sorry are you? [grinds her hips into his pelvis] Oh yeah, how sorry are you? [she slaps him]
[She continues to do this while the camera fades out.]
Submitted by: Katie
