Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 14
Newsmen Phone Chat
Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell
Bernard Shaw…..Tim Meadows
Ted Koppel: [ shakes bubbles off his hand, then answers the phone ] Hello. Ted Koppel here. [ his tug of the receiver knocks the rest of the phone to the floor ] [ split-screen to reveal Ted on the left, Tom Brokaw seated in his study on the right ]
Tom Brokaw: What’s up, Ted? It’s me, Tom Brokaw.
Ted Koppel: [ imitating the Budweiser commercials ] Whasssup?!
Tom Brokaw: Whassupp?!
Ted Koppel: Whasssup?!
Tom Brokaw: Whassupp?! [ pauses, sighs ] Well.. the primaries are over.
Ted Koppel: Ah, it looks like Bush and Gore, don’t it?
Tom Brokaw: Yes, it does – Bush and Gore. Gore and Bush. Three more months. We are screwed!
Ted Koppel: Royally, my friend. Royally. We are facing eight months of a news drought, the likes of which we’ve never seen.
Tom Brokaw: Well, at least you can put Cokie Roberts in your seat and claim you’re on “vacation.” I got no way out – the ratings are gonna plummet.
Ted Koppel: Hey, don’t you think I know that. I can barely look at those two any more. I mean, they really put me off my eggs, Tom! I swear to God, Al Gore’s head looks like a pressed ham! I’m not kidding. And how about that weasely little mouth on George Bush? Looks like a tear in a vinyl hemmorhoid cushion.
Tom Brokaw: I’m scared, Ted. For the firsttime in my life, I’m really scared.
Ted Koppel: Tom, I’m not freakin’ Sly Stallone over here, either. Face it – it’s Gore.. and it’s Bush.
Tom Brokaw: Good God! We are TOAST!! Game over, man! GAME OVER!!
Ted Koppel: Oh, man. You know, at least we only have to do a half-hour a day. The guys at CNN are crappin’ in their drawers.
Tom Brokaw: You know it! Hey, hold on – let me call my buddy, Bernard Shaw on three-way. I’m gonna put you on hold for a sec.
Ted Koppel: Alright.[ cut to single-screen shot of Tom as he dials the third line ] [ cut to split-screen to reveal Bernard Shaw answering his cell phone on the left, Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get it On” starting up in the background ]
Bernard Shaw: Hello.
Tom Brokaw: Bernard. It’s the Bro-man. Whassupp?!
Bernard Shaw: Whassssupp?! [ a beat ] I’m just watching “Money Line” and havin’ a buzz. Whassup with you?
Tom Brokaw: Ah, you know – same old, same old. I got Koppel on the line.
Bernard Shaw: Yeah? Put that ol’ fathead on![ single-screen of Tom pressing his phone buttons ]
Tom Brokaw: Hey, Ted. I got Bernard Shaw on the line.[ cut to triple split-screen of Ted on the left, Tom in the middle, Bernard on the right rolling a doobie ]
Ted Koppel: Hey, Bernard. I guess you guys over there CNN must be pretty mad over this whole Bush-Gore thing.
Bernard Shaw: No, not really. You know how it is over here on cable. [ licks his doobie paper ]
Tom Brokaw: Dammit, Shaw-shank! How can you be so relaxed?! Watching this election go down without McCain, is like watching porno with your hands tied behind your back. Not fun at all!
Ted Koppel: Yeah – these guys make George, Sr. and Dukakis look like a biker orgy!
Bernard Shaw: [ chuckles ] Hey, guys, take it easy, alright? I suggest you sit back, put on some tunes, and light up a fattie. [ smokes his homemade joint, as a scantily-clad Molly Shannon pounces onto his bed with champagne glasses ] Ohhh, hey! Thanks, Sugar.
Molly Shannon: Here you go. Who are you on the phone with?
Bernard Shaw: Oh, I’m talking to Ted Koppel and Brokaw. [ into the phone ] Look, fellas, what can we do? It’s Gore by 10% in November.
Tom Brokaw: Uh, Bernard – did we call you at a bad time?
Bernard Shaw: [ laughs ] No, it’s cool! I’m just relaxin’ with m’lady!
Tom & Ted: Hello, Molly.
Molly Shannon: Hey, how you guys doin’? Sorry about the primaries.
Tom Brokaw: Well, it can’t be any easier for you and that bunch of cut-ups over at SNL.
Molly Shannon: Oh, you got that, right, Tom. No one cares about Bush and Gore. Besides, Darrell Hammond does a really lousy Al Gore!
Ted Koppel: [ defensive ] Whoa-oh! Well, I, for one, don’t think it’s so bad, Molly Shannon.
Tom Brokaw: Hey, guys, I’ve got an idea: why don’t we all agree to really take hold of the issues? Get out there and do some investigative reporting. Old-fashioned news. SCREW the ratings!![ all three men laugh joyously ]
Everyone: “LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!”