SNL Transcripts: Joshua Jackson: 03/11/00: Newsmen Phone Chat



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 14





99n: Joshua Jackson / *NSYNC

Newsmen Phone Chat

Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell
Bernard Shaw…..Tim Meadows
…..Molly Shannon

[ open on exterior, Ted Koppel’s townhouse, evening, as his phone rings ] [ dissolve to interior, Ted’s bathroom, where he sits in a relaxing bubble bath ]

Ted Koppel: [ shakes bubbles off his hand, then answers the phone ] Hello. Ted Koppel here. [ his tug of the receiver knocks the rest of the phone to the floor ] [ split-screen to reveal Ted on the left, Tom Brokaw seated in his study on the right ]

Tom Brokaw: What’s up, Ted? It’s me, Tom Brokaw.

Ted Koppel: [ imitating the Budweiser commercials ] Whasssup?!

Tom Brokaw: Whassupp?!

Ted Koppel: Whasssup?!

Tom Brokaw: Whassupp?! [ pauses, sighs ] Well.. the primaries are over.

Ted Koppel: Ah, it looks like Bush and Gore, don’t it?

Tom Brokaw: Yes, it does – Bush and Gore. Gore and Bush. Three more months. We are screwed!

Ted Koppel: Royally, my friend. Royally. We are facing eight months of a news drought, the likes of which we’ve never seen.

Tom Brokaw: Well, at least you can put Cokie Roberts in your seat and claim you’re on “vacation.” I got no way out – the ratings are gonna plummet.

Ted Koppel: Hey, don’t you think I know that. I can barely look at those two any more. I mean, they really put me off my eggs, Tom! I swear to God, Al Gore’s head looks like a pressed ham! I’m not kidding. And how about that weasely little mouth on George Bush? Looks like a tear in a vinyl hemmorhoid cushion.

Tom Brokaw: I’m scared, Ted. For the firsttime in my life, I’m really scared.

Ted Koppel: Tom, I’m not freakin’ Sly Stallone over here, either. Face it – it’s Gore.. and it’s Bush.

Tom Brokaw: Good God! We are TOAST!! Game over, man! GAME OVER!!

Ted Koppel: Oh, man. You know, at least we only have to do a half-hour a day. The guys at CNN are crappin’ in their drawers.

Tom Brokaw: You know it! Hey, hold on – let me call my buddy, Bernard Shaw on three-way. I’m gonna put you on hold for a sec.

Ted Koppel: Alright.

[ cut to single-screen shot of Tom as he dials the third line ] [ cut to split-screen to reveal Bernard Shaw answering his cell phone on the left, Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get it On” starting up in the background ]

Bernard Shaw: Hello.

Tom Brokaw: Bernard. It’s the Bro-man. Whassupp?!

Bernard Shaw: Whassssupp?! [ a beat ] I’m just watching “Money Line” and havin’ a buzz. Whassup with you?

Tom Brokaw: Ah, you know – same old, same old. I got Koppel on the line.

Bernard Shaw: Yeah? Put that ol’ fathead on!

[ single-screen of Tom pressing his phone buttons ]

Tom Brokaw: Hey, Ted. I got Bernard Shaw on the line.

[ cut to triple split-screen of Ted on the left, Tom in the middle, Bernard on the right rolling a doobie ]

Ted Koppel: Hey, Bernard. I guess you guys over there CNN must be pretty mad over this whole Bush-Gore thing.

Bernard Shaw: No, not really. You know how it is over here on cable. [ licks his doobie paper ]

Tom Brokaw: Dammit, Shaw-shank! How can you be so relaxed?! Watching this election go down without McCain, is like watching porno with your hands tied behind your back. Not fun at all!

Ted Koppel: Yeah – these guys make George, Sr. and Dukakis look like a biker orgy!

Bernard Shaw: [ chuckles ] Hey, guys, take it easy, alright? I suggest you sit back, put on some tunes, and light up a fattie. [ smokes his homemade joint, as a scantily-clad Molly Shannon pounces onto his bed with champagne glasses ] Ohhh, hey! Thanks, Sugar.

Molly Shannon: Here you go. Who are you on the phone with?

Bernard Shaw: Oh, I’m talking to Ted Koppel and Brokaw. [ into the phone ] Look, fellas, what can we do? It’s Gore by 10% in November.

Tom Brokaw: Uh, Bernard – did we call you at a bad time?

Bernard Shaw: [ laughs ] No, it’s cool! I’m just relaxin’ with m’lady!

Tom & Ted: Hello, Molly.

Molly Shannon: Hey, how you guys doin’? Sorry about the primaries.

Tom Brokaw: Well, it can’t be any easier for you and that bunch of cut-ups over at SNL.

Molly Shannon: Oh, you got that, right, Tom. No one cares about Bush and Gore. Besides, Darrell Hammond does a really lousy Al Gore!

Ted Koppel: [ defensive ] Whoa-oh! Well, I, for one, don’t think it’s so bad, Molly Shannon.

Tom Brokaw: Hey, guys, I’ve got an idea: why don’t we all agree to really take hold of the issues? Get out there and do some investigative reporting. Old-fashioned news. SCREW the ratings!!

[ all three men laugh joyously ]

Everyone: “LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!”

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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